Smile Lines

Someday

2011-11-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

Often times during the day I pop in to my girls rooms to tidy up, (or perhaps to steal a Halloween candy), or even simply to soak in the sunshine that pours into Audrey's room. It is a favorite resting space for the dogs, too, who are always at my feet.

Each time I feel myself pining for my girls who are off at school. I want to turn back time and sit on the floor with them --and read--and giggle- and play dolls. I want to sit at the foot of their beds and chat about their lives, hopes, dreams, desires, and loves. I want to paint their nails and dance about the room and belly laugh until our sides ache.

I have been told I live in a fairytale world at times. I completely agree. I love the idea of all the things an "ideal mama" is "supposed" to do and while some of the things I do really well there are many others where I fall very very short. Daily.

I have a sharp tongue and high expectations and impatient ways and there is so much I wish I could do over when it comes to how I am as a mother.

My hope is that someday when they stand in the quiet of their own children's rooms and experience the overwhelming sense of joy and pride and abiding love for them that they come to realize--- I can completely relate.

SOS

2011-11-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

I am not sure I will survive Middle School. I cannot believe how pissed I get most evenings. I think it's because I feel so hopeless. It is a horrific emotion for me. After my upset I am then riddled with guilt as I know Liv goes to bed feeling bad about herself. It is a twisted awful dance.

There are loads of factors--a kid that is simply not uptight nor is she always at the ready to please. Trust me, THANK GOD she is not a Type A people pleaser, yet when you yourself are wired to want to always be on top of things and deliver than it is a very very tough spot to be in when your firstborn just ain't on the same page.

She knows half of the instructions most of the time so I check the Website (three different spots, review the planner, and try to jog her memory). She is a visual learner and in school there is so much talking. Or noise ---if you're Liv's brain.

But, it appears that she is:
A) Not alone. ALL of her friends parents report the same scenario. But if you know me well, dear reader, you know I am not a misery loves company type of gal. I never have been. While I like to know people understand me and hear me I do not like to know they too are drowning.
B) Not always at fault. It is absolutely, positively not always her error. Often times the directions are half baked when I view them online or when they're verbally delivered in class. It is infuriating to say the least.

This is where I find myself wanting to scream at the top of my lungs or curl up and cry. I cannot fix it and there is not one clear cut issue to correct. I have her make phone calls to classmates, I text and call her friends parents for instruction, we email teachers, we take online tutorials, we have friends scan in work or direct us to online resources---and really, it completely blows.

NOW--it does all work out in the end but at what cost? I will also have you know the teachers simply say to me, "She is a great kid. Totally capable, engaged student. She is doing well." Again, THANK GOD, but we move Heaven and Earth nightly it seems to get there.

The principal told me to chill a bit (he said it kindly and I definitely felt heard) so I started to. Chilling meant fulfilling some of my Girls Night Out dates that I have not cashed in on. I also have had some client, school and neighborhood commitments to tend to in the evenings. Fall is always a bustling time.

I knew Olivia and Eric were capable of following homework instructions and reading all my post it notes where I helped her prioritize what needed to be done and when. But, honestly, the wheels started to come off the bus because it takes a village and someone to run it. The job was getting done but not to the same extent as it was when Olivia and I were working together. This is no slight on Eric and he will be the first to tell you that he needs me with her at night to assist. In fact, he told me last night that I should cancel my Thurs. night plans. I know he is right. Which is why I am guilt ridden--for the fact that I probably should but don't want to and for the fact that Liv went to bed again knowing I was burned out because of her school life. It is no way to say goodnight.

I pray there is a better solution and light at the end of the tunnel. For now--I am sending out an SOS.

Tomorrow is a new day and Middle School is not forever. Somehow we all survived it but it remains the worst years of my life. How desperately I am fighting to have my daughter not say the same. The good news? While my experience was terrible because of mean girls and feeling so awkward and ugly--hers is not starting out that way at all. The only ugliness she is facing is her mama's attitude.
God help us. Sincerely.

Pick Me~ or not

2011-11-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

I drafted the post below about 2 weeks ago and I was feeling insecure about posting it--until now. I spoke to a handful of close friends about my feelings (not the post per se) and I felt so much lighter afterwards.

Today when I went to draft an unrelated post I pulled this one up again and read it. At this time I can say that I really feel I have taken my own advice that I wrote at the end of the post below.

I decided to share it today, however, for the times I may slip back into these emotions and/or for any of you who might relate. I will say all the girlfriends that I shared my heart with on this subject had the same message, "I totally get it." Here goes~

I am not sure I've ever felt so fulfilled in my friendships.

I do not take that statement for granted as I think it is such a blessing to be able to experience such fulfillment in my 40's.

I treasure all of them--these friends I met in childhood, or at college, or on school playgrounds, at parks, at mom's group, at work, or upon introductions from mutual friends.

My heart is full. And yet I find myself still wanting to be "liked" by others. Not that I need to find a new bestie but I definitely want to feel as if people would want to be my friend. It seems so childish.

My eight year old does not appear to share this same desire even. She is very matter of fact when she knows someone does not want to be her close friend. "She isn't really my type either," she casually remarks and brushes it off.

Amen. To be honest I do not necessarily find the people that I want to "like" me to be my cup of tea either. It is usually quite the opposite. I find them harsh or insecure or passive aggressive and yet, I still want them to like me. How silly.

I have wracked my brain about my desire to be accepted quite a bit since my girls started at their new school a couple of years ago. Not that my emotions are anything new but the need feels greater at times. Perhaps it is because I am so entrenched and so passionate about the place.

I was discussing this with a girlfriend (mom at the school) over lunch the other day and she said, "You have a target on your back. Like it or not you have your hands in so much and therefore, you set yourself up for judgement."

OK.

I expressed this to another friend who said, "I trust it's annoying to some people that you are so involved. I assume you make some people feel inferior and they probably wonder if you're genuine."

Alright. Well, no, OUCH. Anyone that knows me well knows how hard I work at transparency and being real. Which is why this eats me up. You don't have to have me over for dinner but you do have to know this is real. But why? And who cares? My 3rd grader has already figured out that acceptance by all is never gonna happen. So how come I feel like an emotional tween at times? Or do many of us feel this way but some of us are better at keeping such thoughts to ourselves?

Emotions aside, I do understand why some of my behavior and high energy might be eye roll inducing or that the chemistry I have with some people doesn't work and for hundreds of other reasons I understand why someone would not choose me to be their pal.

I just need to LET IT GO and turn my attention back to what does matter---my overflowing cup brimming with true friends who take me just as I am.

Lucky girl.

This shot (both the photo and the one in hand) was taken after a lovely day out with friends this past Spring

Losing Lucy, Claiming Charlie

2011-11-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

Nervous Lucy Girl

We recently had to part ways with our rescue dog, Lucy. We had her for nearly 5 months. While she was a pretty, sweet miss she was deathly afraid of children--especially mine. It was plain and simply "not working".

Growling at my girls all day long as they ate breakfast, did homework, and danced about the house was incredibly stressful. For all--the girls, my husband, me, and the dog.

We learned the sad way that no matter how hard you try to love something there can be far too much damage done before they enter your world.

Adopting a dog in need and having to return it is brutal. You feel like a sell out. That is, until you do your research, speak with professionals, confess to your closest most trusted confidantes and most of all --search your soul-- and then you come to realize where your loyalties lie and revisit the goals in the first place.

In our case the goals were to provide a family dog for our children and offer a safe nesting place for a dog in need. In the case of Lucy, none of the criteria was being met. Thankfully, we adopted her from the local basset rescue woman who more than understood the struggle and strain. None of Lucy's litter mates were adoptable as they all suffered in a puppy mill for more than 4 years--crated and unsocialized. These dogs were terrified of children which was unbeknownst to us until Lucy moved in.

So, we returned the scared girl and in her place we adopted Charlotte (the girls call her Charlie). She came from the home of a man who lost his job, house, and marriage. She is a jolly, big, happy gal who loves people and simply wants to be loved.

Welcome, Charlie

Stay tuned for updates on Charlie and how she settles in to life at Wilkinson Manor. You can see she's quite the people pleaser.

Best TV watching pal in the house for Bliss

Rise and Shine, Audrey!

Go State- sporting Green and White colors for Eric!

Harvest Happiness

2011-10-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

Autumn in pictures

back to school

first day of school (3rd grader Audrey & 6th grader Olivia)
Liv had a 102 degree temp from vaccination reaction- she desperately tried to rally

day at the farm

apple pie baking in memory of my grammie~ made using her recipe

my heartbeats

halloween cards by audrey e.

my mountaineers~ heading out on an overnight 3rd grade field trip to Mt. St. Helen's

when the dog literally eats your homework

our october wedding
14 years married~20 years together

Raising Bliss

2011-10-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

I started this post in the middle of September and for a litany of reasons I never completed it. Take Two.

Busted foot, braces, beginning middle school and living with a body that's maturing faster than her newly turned 11 year old self can fathom.

My Olivia has a lot going on.

To say the expectations of her teachers is incredibly high is an understatement.

I believe her parents expectations are even higher.

Liv started 6th grade this year and the transition feels as if she went from womb to college.

The homework load coupled with just how much Olivia has comprehended (or not) during the school day has left me with my head in my hands many nights this fall. Eric is right there with me. Sadly, so is Liv at times.

Drowning...

The good:

We are not alone. Have yet to meet a 6th grade parent at her school who feels different from us (thankfully Bliss is not totally asleep at the wheel).
The principal and teachers are accessible and care (I just wish they'd turn off the fire hose).
Liv is learning a lot about organization (I guess this can be one of my strong suits when applied, who knew?)
Eric thanks me each bedtime for managing it all so well (worth the price of admission alone).

The bad:

I am a doer- love to cross stuff off the to-do list and move on (when you're managing your home, business, and going back to middle school some 30 years later your to-do list never ends).
I am vocal. So is Eric. When we're frustrated with Liv, the system, and exhausted from day's end the kid feels it (we are working on this as we do not need her self esteem to suffer in middle school because of her uptight parents).

But Math, Language Arts, Science, Social Studies, and Spanish are probably not the toughest part of middle school for Liv thus far. Because there are girlfriends. And that can often mean drama.

My girls are in a small school which translates to 8 girls in each grade. Slim pickings. Three remains a crowd if you were still wondering. Tween friendships can still be brutal. Hormones still rage. Thankfully the girls she hangs out with are dear but that does not mean there is not drama. Or on occasion a glimpse of a mean girl. God help us.

Thankfully my daughter is in as much of a "bubble" as she can be in terms of a secure, safe school setting. The kids she is surrounded by, the caliber of the teachers, the enrichment and events that are brought to the school are solid.

But for me middle school is just as crappy the second time around. I best get a move on. Tonight's homework (pictured below) awaits.

All Things Considered, Summer 2011

2011-08-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have survived summer. Quite well, too. After my last post at the end of June when everything was overwhelming me things slowly improved. Currently things could not be better.

Break a Leg
Olivia began practices at Seattle Children's Theatre the start of July for the play Jungalbook (a darker version of Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book). She auditioned for this play in April and was proudly cast after call backs in May. We drove into the city each business day for a month. It was torture. The traffic, the road construction & street closures, the many events happening in the city, the daily grind of leaving my laptop, gathering the girls, & coralling the dogs was challenging to say the least. We had all but survived the stress and then on the afternoon before Opening Night Liv jumped down from a platform in one of her roles as a vulture and broke her foot.
After the dr. visit, the specialist visit, the cast, the CT scan, and the quick lesson in crutches--she took to the stage. Her role as a wolf had to be cut as it was a very active one in which she spent a great deal of time on stage but since she could not bear any weight on her foot she was only able to play her vulture role. It was short and strong--best acting gig of the night according to her oh so biased grandmother! The girl is a trooper. She missed out on a camping trip with a friend, afternoons at the pool club, and a trip to Lake Chelan, WA. But her dear friends, babysitters, visiting grandparents and her kid sis have pushed her in wheelchairs about the mall, presented her with gifts, played games and picnicked on the lawn with her.

Olivia as the Vulture, Seattle Children's Theatre, Jungalbook 2011

Kind Cuties, Alderwood Mall ~ August 2011

Pixie Bella Beauty Bash~ Audrey turns 8

Audrey & Papa birthday morning~ ice cream for breakfast before he heads to work

Audrey Elizabeth turned 8 years old on July 13. We celebrated with all things feminine and frilly from the decor to the darling gifts she received from her sweet friends. The party guests enjoyed hair updos, makeup, parfaits, and girl time. It was a big success! Audrey also was in a little play at a local drama camp that week and she was a fabulous firefly in The Secret Garden!

Audrey as Firefly #4, The Secret Garden, Missoula Children's Theatre performance at Driftwood Players, July 2011

Sunshine & Sweets

In between acting stints Audrey opened her lemonade stand (created by Eric) which she named, "Sunshine & Sweets" with the motto "May every bite be blissful". Too bad it has only been open for one weekend! We can blame that on the combination of weather (grey, rainy summer) and a child's fleeting desires!

Proprietress Audrey, July 2011

Summer Lovin'

My wonderful folks came out again to assist with the beauties and beasts of The Manor and to spend some family time.

Dinner on the Water, Edmonds~August 2011

They also watched the girls for a spell as Eric and I escaped to Portland and Bend, OR for few days. We rode bikes, tubed down the Deschutes River, enjoyed amazing meals, tasty brews, and reconnected. Priceless.

Portland, OR~ August 2011

Who's Your Daddy?

Eric and local dads from Audrey's Montessori school days performed at the girls school again this summer at the "welcome new family" picnic. It was a great night with dancing kids, smiling parents, and wanna be rock stars (who are truly talented) who did this PTO mama one big favor. Again. Huge thanks to Meme and Papa & Carrie and Jewel who showed their support again this year.

Here's your daddy~ Eric, August 2011

Rock On! Papa Frank & Audrey girl

Supportive Sweets~ Rebecca, me, Carrie

Quick k PR update

Work wise all is chugging along very well. Bustling in fact as we head into Fall. I have had new client meetings in addition to big client projects on the horizon. I remain grateful to my team and continue to love, love, love what we do.

Savoring Summer

Today the girls go to one of their closest friends birthday parties (happy day, Schy guy!) and Eric and I will spend a couple hours at the pool club (with Liv's busted foot, Audrey on antibiotics for swimmer's ear and the the sun not shining until August we've only been twice this summer)! Tonight we head to a "Movie on the Lawn" party with friends from the girls school. The way I feel about their school family is it's own blog post. How we love the community we are part of there and it is not an exaggeration in the least to say that the friendships and relationships we've built at Brighton are a dream come true.

In a couple of weeks we head to the coast for our annual end of summer escape and chill time and then it is back to school and down to business. Thankfully, we cannot wait for the next season but until then we will savor summertime.

Grateful Girl

When I woke this morning my mind was running a mile a minute with things I wanted and needed to do as it does most Saturday mornings. Should I walk now, bake for the neighbor who just lost a loved one, balance our checkbooks, run to the market, write out cards for all my dear friends summer birthdays, get some work in before Monday morning, and the list goes on. But I was most compelled to blog about our summer days and my grateful heart.

After another magical date night with my husband I went to kiss our sleeping girls last night. I found Livvie sprawled out on the floor with her purple cast dangling over the side of the air mattress (she has a loft and cannot get to it to sleep in due to her cast). She was spent. She has been acting as a junior counselor at the girls school during the days for 3-6 year olds and she is simply adored. News of the adoration comes to me from the teachers and the kids. I am so proud of her. She is a beautiful girl inside and out. She is driven, clever, strong, and lovely. She laughs easily with sparkling eyes and how I love her sweet freckles. My heart overflowed watching her. I have said it before but it bears repeating the day I gave birth to Olivia I loved like I never have before. I had that same swell of love for her as she slept last night. She is my Bliss.

As for her sister, Audrey is like another limb of mine. She is always by my side, touching me, looking into my eyes, sharing her thoughts, her heart and her days. I miss her terribly in the hours we're apart just as you would if you had a limb missing. What a blessing that child is to me.

And then there is Eric. He kissed me out of nowhere in the middle of two stories I was sharing last night and I wonder if he knows that those gestures makes my heart feel like it could jump out of my chest. He will reside in it always.

I am one happy, fulfilled, blessed girl~ all things considered.

Eric found me curled up with a book in the waning sunshine when we were in Bend.

I cherish this photo as he captured the summer break I was craving. As you can see I got it. Lucky girl.

Summer Break

2011-06-30T23:48:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am having a breakdown. Another one. Summer break if you’re me (with this wiring and this brain) SUCKS. Sorry for the crass word choice (I am sure I’ve offend myself more than you with it) but it’s apropos.

I work from home and have my own PR agency but I also double as a stay at home mom. I define “stay at home moms” as the moms who keep the house running, do the laundry, plan the meals, shuffle the kids, schedule the camps, make the dr/dentist/hair/play date arrangements, make sure the children pen their thank you notes, etc. --you get the picture.

I live these dual lives simultaneously. It is never a smooth road but when the kids are in school for hours it is less bumpy. While I still have to find time to exercise and do the bills and there are appts. that always need to be made or attended I do not do it with anyone underfoot. Except for 3 smelly dogs and I made this unkempt bed so I am sleeping in it.

Summer time overwhelms me. I know it’s all my fault. That’s the worst part.

I lived an idyllic childhood if you ask me. My mom stayed at home (she did all the above too --with the exception of running her own business). She could get as overwhelmed and stressed as the next mama but I never saw her guilt ridden for either having to send me to camp during a summer day created for total relaxation or from letting me squander away the sweet days of summer time doing nothing but chilling.

I drown in guilt. I am guilty that the kids are home this summer with nothing to do. They went to day camps for years and protested about going again. I never thought it fair since I never had to go as a child (if I did not wish to) and so this year I told them they could relax a bit as they are older.

I feel guilty that their way of relaxing is in front of a TV. My infamous line of, “TV does not make you smart” is sure contradictory when school’s out and I allow them to plunk down in front of the boob tube. They cannot watch TV during the week when school is in but when it’s out --all bets are off. They are great at reading in their rooms, listening to music, playing outside but there is a LOT of down time and I know they’re bored. And I feel guilty about it.

I feel guilty that they want to do projects that I half ass. You see, them tackling projects is me tackling projects. I do not have time to build a lemonade stand, dammit!

I feel guilty work wise that I do not have total uninterrupted hours of work time. Thankfully it all gets done (my team rocks and Lord knows I thrive on delivering).

I know so many parents that send their kids to summer camps as they have no other choice--they work in an office and that is simply how it is. They seem to deal just fine--as do their children.

Remember, I know this is my issue. I know this is not forever.

I also know I have helped Audrey design and create her birthday invites and create the party day’s agenda. I have also cleaned out her bookcases and redesigned her closet with her. Both girls have tackled sewing projects and we’ve been to the store to buy the fabric. We also spent an afternoon at the park, a morning at the craft store, and a day at the beach.

Olivia will be in drama rehearsals the entire month of July so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Audrey is also at a drama camp and taking sewing, piano and voice lessons. It is not all bad. But it is not all good.

This is why I am having a mental breakdown. It is what it is. I have no idea how to embrace life just as it “is”. I want it all to be picture perfect with the wave of a magic wand. Active kids, checkbooks balanced, thighs toned, house tidied, clients satisfied.

It is so hard for me to see the forest through the trees when I am in the thick of things. I constantly wonder what it would be like if I just had one major role and not two. I absolutely love what I do for work and I love being the girls mama. I wish I felt more in sync. Feeling so guilty is no way to exist.

As I type Audrey has entered the room and told me she is grateful for all I do for her and she thinks I handle life beautifully (she has no idea what I am blogging about), my husband brought home Godiva (with nuts), and my neighbor texted me asking if I was ready for a tasty Stout. Trust me, I am so very blessed and I definitely count my blessings but I would not be truthful if I did not say that a lot of the time I am overwhelmed. Very much to my dismay...

Hoping this summer to find a way to give myself a break and quiet my head, listen to my heart, and simply be.

Frib

2011-06-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

In an effort to help quell my early morning frustration and ANGER, I will recap how we went from owning the world's greatest dog to the world's worst.

As newlyweds in a new city we decided to get a dog. Eric is a huge dog lover and I needed more than just the job and the husband in my world so we adopted Thurman. World's greatest dog.

To say Thurman was our world is a bit of an understatement. We took him everywhere. As we drove he'd stand on the arm rest between our car seats and would go from kissing one of us to the other. He went to every party we attended whether we took a ferry to a dinner party at my former boss's house or went to a couple's wedding shower hours away where dogs were clearly not on the invite list. During that particular event, he stood outside the house and wandered from window to window depending on which room we were in.

We were hands-down "over the top" obnoxious dog lovers. We were blissful. 11 months after our love affair Thurman died. Autopsy showed he died of an enlarged heart. How fitting.

Three weeks later I was pregnant and craving a Friendly's Ice Cream "Fribble." And a dog.

So in Kent, WA we found Fribble. The dog.

He was sickly, homely, and slated to be euthanized the next day. We adopted him immediately.

I recall seeing him poop in the backyard on the first night and knowing it was a mistake.

He bound into the house and jumped on all the furniture. We confined him to one room. After wreaking havoc in that room he'd escape. We'd leave the back slider door open as we went to work and he'd drag in to the house whatever he could find outside. He pulled off all the fake red apple shaped decorations on the Christmas tree and attempted to eat them. All 10 of them. On the white couch. On Christmas Eve--the night I had announced my pregnancy to our families. I was spotting and terrified and Frib ruined the night. Again.

I had a neat little contraption that allowed me to attempt to hear the baby's heartbeat in utero which I'd do each night before bed. Frib ate it. He also had chewed up two mattresses by then. To date he's done this to at least 6 mattresses. When the mattresses get shredded so do all my quilts--ones from my beloved gram, one from a trip to an island in Canada, one that was my first textile splurge when we were newly married. The list goes on.

On Eric's birthday he ate an entire bag of chocolate. I spent the afternoon on the phone with poison control trying to get him to throw up.

Days after Olivia was born he ate a cotton ball covered with Ben Gay ointment. I called poison control. Again.

Eric ran Frib up to the park one night when Liv was two months old. Eric returned shortly after and said, "Frib ran out of the park and into the street. He has been hit by a car. Don't freak out". I did not freak out. He stayed over night at the emergency clinic and just suffered some internal bruising. The next day we were off to the pumpkin patch and had to keep Frib with us to "observe". Before we dashed home to dinner with our friend's from pregnancy class, Eric let Fribble out to pee. He jumped a fence and landed in a cow pasture. When Eric called him back from the other side of the fence Frib got electrocuted. Twice.

Each visit to the dog park he'd jump the fence in the "allowed" area and bound through the "habitat protected" fields. Oh, the looks and the finger wagging we'd ensue as a result.

When Audrey was born he would wake her from every. single. nap. with his incessant barking. He'd bark at the kids outside. Or at the cars going by. Or at the wind. We put him up for adoption on Craig's List. We got one taker and a boat load of messages from animal lovers about how awful we were to want to be rid of him (don't get me started).

As Eric explained to then 3 year old, Olivia, that we may be sending Frib to live on a farm with lots of animals and fields to frolic in and the freedom he so craves, she started to cry.
"No, Papa, we cannot!"

"Why?" Eric asked dumbfounded since Fribble generally growled when people got close to him. We refer to the sound as "throaty disdain".

"Because he's my dog. And I love him." Thus, we still own Frib.

He would never stay put in the yard. I have baked countless brownies & cookies and sent numerous emails & cards to more than a half dozen neighbors because of Fribble upsetting their worlds. I have also had the door bell rung and gone out to find piles of dog poo on my porch courtesy of Frib. The neighbor scooped it up from her yard and presented it to us. Twice.

Olivia and Audrey lost more pacifiers to Frib than I can count. We knew Frib took them because we are the ones who scoop his poop. Nice, I know.

We also had a diaper service when both girls were babies. I am not sure how necessary it was. Frib would swipe the dirty diapers and feast. He was not only a menace but disgusting to boot.

If you're curious--yes, Frib's been to obedience class. No, he did not graduate.

We were always trying to figure out why his behavior was so out of control. He spends much of his time shaking. Uncontrollably. People would always comment on how cold he must be. It is not the cold. He is deathly afraid of rain. Yes, we live in Seattle.

Once Frib ran away in the middle of a rare thunderstorm. He was gone for nearly 4 days. Life was definitely more peaceful but I felt irresponsible and so left word with animal control, local shelters, and at all the area police departments. They found him. A kind woman several streets away said he showed up in her garage. Frib had been going to her children's clothing store with her each day and sleeping under her desk. She was smitten. And totally offended when we offered him up to her.

So Frib was back. By this time it had been 7 years of "no joy" (how Eric describes life with Frib). I was ready for the loving dog experience I'd been craving and I so badly wanted to provide it for my girls, too.

We adopted Alice-- a little old pound dog. She was sweet and calm and just what we needed. Despite 3 breast cancer surgeries this little miss has been pure sweetness. Therefore, I wanted to give her a friend so we adopted a basset hound named Bella. For 18 months Alice and Bella were the best of friends. I was blissful. Every time I'd round the corner I'd find these two love bugs tucked in together. Total joy.

Sadly our Bella girl died in May from cancer. We all miss her madly. We just adopted another Basset a few weeks ago named Lucy. She is a timid sheep but very sweet and slowly but surely settling in.

Every day for weeks now I've returned home to "accidents" from the dogs in the only downstairs carpeted room. The barricades don't work (Frib either jumps the gate or knocks it down- as evidenced below), and taking them out to pee/poop before we leave does not work either. I called a hardwood floor guy for a bid. I designed a half door in my head while I was showering the other day and my handyman comes Monday to begin creating it. I had the carpet cleaner come out yesterday (comes nearly monthly) to do the front room and the girls rooms (the only other spots with carpet and while they keep the dogs at bay by closing their doors I knew it could not hurt to have the rugs shampooed again). I was losing my mind. I was not sure which dog to blame.

Liv came into our room last night at nearly midnight crying about missing Bella. I comforted her a bit and sent her back to bed. Six hours later Liv was back in my room. She was woken up by a terrible smell. Poop and pee ALL over her room.

Lucy and Al were asleep in my room all night.

The culprit? You guessed it.

sweet summertime~ Audrey style

2011-06-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

School is out, the calendar shows summer has arrived (despite the weather reports) and planning is underway at Wilkinson Manor for fun & bustling days. That is, if you're Audrey.

She has been out of school for less than a week now and has named and designed her lemonade stand and logo (as well as made thank you cards for each client). I have had two visits to her spa~ "Sally's". She has designed that logo, too. And created special appointment reminder cards. She made a trip to the paper store with the babysitter. And the craft store. Next stop Home Depot with her dad for wood for the lemonade stand.

She has cleaned out her closet, two book cases, and her vanity drawer. She hums and primps and plans as she goes. She just handed me a beautiful picture she made of sweet Bella (our beloved Basset who passed away in May and whom I miss. madly. daily). Because I am "such a treasured client at the spa", she gave me this masterpiece from her line of "Audrey E. Works" drawings (complete with Bella sleeping & bearing her prominent nipples whilst dreaming (bubble over Bell's head shows her happily eating a bone)). I was not charged last night for the visit because she was trying out some new techniques and she said she'd normally do those on an employee and that would take labor time so she was grateful to have me sit in. I tipped her quite well since I had to cancel and postpone an appt. for some 30 hours. You see, it is not summer vaca for all the habitants of The Manor.

Speaking of which- I must put on my publicist hat now and dash off to a day of client meetings. I promise to return soon~ to Sally's, to "Sunshine & Sweets" lemonade stand, to Audrey girl and beautiful Livvie Bliss, to this houseful of smelly special needs beasts (we just adopted a Basset named Lucy- more to come on that), and to my prince.

I wish you the happiest of summers in the best way I know how~ in the words of Sally's motto, "Relaxation is just around the corner" and for the tag line for "Sunshine & Sweets"..."may every bite be blissful".

Honored Guest

2011-04-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

I was asked to draft a guest post on a friend's new blog recently. We have served on committees together and partnered with client projects- she is savvy, successful, and sweet as can be. Thrilled she chose me. It may be too much biz speak to have here on Smile Lines but I trust you don't mind. Plus, I love sharing my happiness with you.

Balance? No such thing.

I am a mama of two girls, own my own boutique public relations firm, serve as PTO Co-President at my girls' school, act as president of the neighborhood homeowner’s association, owner of 3 dogs, wife of one man who keeps me on my toes and I am constantly striving to win Mother of the Year, Employee of the Year, Volunteer of the Year, Wife of the Year, and any other titles that I believe a “good girl” should win. FYI—to date I have not received but one of these accolades. Shocker, I know.

The notion of balance is a Big. Fat. Lie. And that mistruth has set me up with a lot of heart ache and an insurmountable amount of guilt.

Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes I may be rocking one of my many roles, but I am certainly not rocking all of them at the same time. Ever. It took me into my mid thirties to learn that I am incapable of being everything to everybody all at the same time—I continue to grapple with this—daily.

I have been blessed with a healthy and happy disposition. I love my life. I love to deliver. But not every day is a cakewalk. Yet it gets sweeter with each step.

I started my PR business when my youngest was a few months old. I could not bring in enough business, work hard enough, or work long enough hours in the day. I wanted to be hands on with the baby, present for my toddler, and June Cleaver for my husband—all while establishing my agency. Business was booming, the kids appeared to be doing fine, and the husband seemed alright (although I remain haunted by comments such as, “Kiss your laptop goodnight for me”) as he clicked off the light on his nightstand and I stayed up typing away into the wee hours. I guess I also did have a brief spell spent trying to give away the barking dog on Craig’s List as he would wake the baby each time she went down for a nap. I was also terribly impatient with my eldest, I slept little and suffered migraines often. OK, life was totally off kilter.

In the midst of this a counselor said to me, “It sounds like you feel as if you’re too much and yet simply not enough—both at the same time”. BINGO!

So now, dear reader, I want to share with you some lessons I have learned on the teeter totter of life as this Mompreneur.

One was a Lonely Number

For me, support is sweet (and crucial). My team is a huge blessing. k PR could not function nearly as well without my beloved colleagues. Choose wisely---for me that means people with strong work ethics, those with your company’s best interest at heart (and yours), people who can man the store if needed, and those that align with your brand/image as they reach out to folks on your company’s behalf.

Put Down the Kool Aid

Follow your gut and don’t put yourself in a precarious position when you know better. As a publicist I spend a lot of time managing expectations for our clients and for myself. I have learned to spot prospects that believe their own press (not a good thing) and I am getting better at listening to that voice inside me when a product sounds so enticing but I know deep down would be a total energy suck to try to garner media attention for.

Sample dialogue inside my head that I once dismissed but now makes me run for the hills

To prospects:

• No, actually this is not the ‘best’, ‘first’, or ‘most revolutionary’ product known to man.

• I understand the NY Times would be amazing exposure but have you ever read a story like this in that publication? EVER?

• Honestly, would this truly make you jump off the couch and head over to your business if you saw this on TV? I didn’t think so. Then please know that the TV producer won’t think so either. It’s simply not a story.

To myself:

• This prospect sounds awesome yet with their shoestring budget we’ll wind up losing money.

• Should we really take on a business where my direct report is the owner who begins conversations with, “I would only hire you because I am too busy to do PR myself”. Knock yourself out.

• If he wants measurable results on how sales will increase after each press hit then he does not understand how PR works. Sure, you can explain how PR works--but is he really hearing you or is he merely all about his "ROI" (return on investment) at the end of the day?

Step Away from the Laptop

Persistence, drive, and behaving like “a dog with a bone” definitely pays off in the world of public relations and it is key to success. But leaving no stone unturned requires time and time requires a decent client retainer. I have learned (and admittedly I still work on this) that we can get the job done-- and done well-- but the client’s budget dictates how much time we can devote. If the client only pays for 20 hours a month, don’t service their account for 40. I have learned to state this unequivocally upfront. Finally. I had a client call me a “pitbull” once (he meant it as a compliment and my ego soared in the same way my dog’s leg goes wild when he gets a belly rub). I love when we’re recognized for our tireless efforts on our client’s behalf but over servicing when the budget is not adequate is simply unwise. Once the budget is agreed upon work toward success in the allotted time then step away from the laptop and go kiss your spouse instead. ;)

Play to Strengths

Know what you’re good at and what jazzes your team and everybody wins.

I love connecting with clients and the press and I do not enjoy research. I like editing copy but I do not like cutting the first draft. I like keeping the fire alive and adding fuel to it but I do not like lighting the first spark of an idea. Fortunately, I have team mates and clients that like all the things I do not and vice versa. It has made our work days more satisfying and proven more fruitful for our clients.

What’s a Time Clock?

You do not have bankers' hours when it’s your own gig. There is great pride in hanging my shingle out and having my own business. But truth be told I’m never truly off the clock. My 7 year old would tell you that I am “always” working. Even on vacations when my husband is checking his phone for the latest sports scores or searching online for the nearest watering hole, I have one eye on my phone ensuring there is nothing dire smoking up my inbox. But let me say while the mama guilt surely comes into play as a mompreneur and while my head is never completely out of work mode there is also so much to be celebrated about having your own business. After all, I can make it to the school plays whether they fall at 10 am or 2 pm, an impromptu walk with a friend can certainly happen if the sun chooses to surprise with an appearance, a mid-day manicure or a quick peruse of Facebook without Big Brother watching are invaluable for this girl.

So while I am not a believer in balance and the stars have never fully aligned for me to earn the title “Mama of the Year” or “Volunteer of the Quarter” I can tell you I’ve overheard my husband say some pretty awesome things about me at a cocktail party or two, each daughter at one point has told me they want to be “just like me” when they grow up, and receiving a thank you bouquet of flowers at the recent PTO auction sure humbled me. And thrilled me.

All this said, if you ask me you can definitely Have. It. All. Just not all at once.

Katie B. Wilkinson pictured here with a tasty pint on date night with her husband (and her phone) is the founder of k Public Relations Inc. www.kpublicrelations.com

Dream Catcher

2011-04-10T10:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Bliss received callbacks after auditioning for summer season performances at Seattle Children's Theatre.

She is pictured here reading of the good news.

It was so deserved. While she still has to pass muster at the callbacks in order to make final cuts we are simply elated she tried out. I admire Olivia in so many ways and find myself almost daily bewildered that she is just 10 years old. As she performed on the beach last weekend while we were out walking the dogs Eric kept remarking, "I cannot believe we made this person. She is awesome." He is so right.

Truth be told, I am not one of those parents who is immensely proud when their child takes the stage at the school play, or with every drawing they create at art camp, or with every oral report they deliver. I do love hearing them and seeing them and soaking it in but certainly not all of it makes me gush and think they can hang the moon. But when Audrey and I listened with our ears to the door at Liv's audition, I was PROUD.

When Olivia bound out of the audition room doors and was beaming. I was PROUD.

When the email popped up on Friday telling me she was called back for two of the four plays they're featuring this summer I was PROUD.

A few people in my life have told me over the years that Olivia has star power. My girlfriend, Sue, once said to me when Liv was just two years old that she swore if Olivia flapped her arms hard enough she could fly. My dear friend, Carrie, has been one of her biggest fans since meeting Liv days after she turned five. Recently several teachers have remarked to me that she is truly outstanding- patient, creative, articulate, attentive, and loving with little kids (she serves as a junior counselor at her school's camp which was an honor to be asked). PROUD is an understatement.

Liv loves to gaze at the stars and she spends a lot of her time wishing on them. She is a big dreamer and asks us all the time, "Do you believe dreams come true?" She signs her emails, "Olivia Bliss Wilkinson who wants to be a child actress".

I have told Eric since she entered our lives (and refused to be our little rule follower~a star likes to chart it's own course apparently) that she has bigger ideas and God has a grand plan. She greeted us on her due date with a song in her heart and a mission in her mind. I have said countless times over the past decade, "One day Bliss will rule the world. Or at the very least she will own the stage."

Appears the stars may be aligning. And yes, Bliss, I do believe dreams come true. God gave me you after all.

Pictured here at age 3 performing for the ducks at Seattle's Greenlake

A Soldier Returns

2011-02-13T09:45:00.000-08:00

Eric is slated to be home late tonight after packing up his mother's home in Syracuse, New York. He has been gone six days and he says he has been at battle since his plane touched down.

"Kate, I feel like a soldier coming home from the battlefield." he told me on our nightly call last night.

His mother is brutal~ tough. hurtful. alcoholic. insecure. ill. And now she is losing her mind.

His mother was in a major car accident three days before Christmas. A story for another day. Thank God no one else was hurt and while she was hospitalized for three days the injuries were not life threatening. Eric's cousin was determined for him to witness the pictures from his mother's facial injuries and pulled them up on her camera phone last night much to Eric's chagrin. "It was horrific," he told me.

My mother in law's reactions to this move in many way are text book- anger, resentment, terrified, belligerent- she is leaving everything she has known for some 76 years. Yet truth be told since we moved to Seattle in 1998 she has wanted to move here. She has made it abundantly clear at each turn. We had been in the planning stages for a few years now but after the accident the timeline changed. The time has come.

She does not want to part with paintings on the wall, mounds of mail order offers she has been collecting for years, cupboards of pots and pans, piles of Christmas decorations, and all the other things you acquire over a lifetime.

Yet most of it must go. Her assisted living space is tiny. We have purchased all new items to furnish it from the sweet pink flower wreath on the door to the flat screen TV to the tea cups. No, she can not bring the giant framed picture of six crying clowns...

"I don't like people. Especially relatives. You need to know that you are ruining my life," she has said daily. I am sparing you, dear reader, as she has said so much worse.

But the soldier fought on. Eric filled up nearly two dumpsters of her things. By himself. He would take 20 gallon plastic tubs and load them up and lumber down two flights of stairs (the elevator in her apt. complex was out of service, naturally). He'd then lug these bins across the frozen tundra of the Norstar apartment complex until he reached the dumpster. He did this for five days usually in the veil of darkness after he'd gotten his mom off to bed.

"My heart has been racing," he told me last night. "My friend told me last night on the phone I need to be careful due to my blood pressure issues and all that is happening. I understand how stress can kill & how dealing with aging parents can cause a son to have a heart attack." he was completely serious.

My heart broke. I'd be dishonest if I did not admit to being worried about his health. He sent a good night video to us one evening and he looked like he'd aged 10 years. I went to bed thinking of my elementary school principal who had a heart attack shoveling snow as the strain was so severe.

May God protect Eric's heart. And soul.

I simply cannot wait to welcome my hero home.

Finding Bliss

2011-02-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

This photo of my Olivia just popped up in the corner of my laptop as I was working. It was snapped right after she got her stage makeup on for her role in "Annie". I first noticed her natural beauty and then was drawn once again to her eyes. I often wonder what goes on behind them. She has taken in the world and analyzed it deeply since she graced our planet. She would lay in her cradle with her giant blue eyes always carefully watching the bustling activity around her. She would sit in her car seat gazing out at the window as the world whirled by. I could almost hear the wheels of her mind churning. She has never missed a beat. She soaks everything in. She did not smile easily- not until she thought she had the scene all figured out. Then her smile would come. And her giant belly laugh. And she felt secure.

Her report card came yesterday. She is excelling across the board. She is exceeding standards by leaps and bounds. The only area of concern is in her sense of self. Self esteem.

Olivia is full of life. She is bright, pretty, gentle with children, growing more empathetic than I could have ever dreamed, thoughtful, witty, silly, talented, a risk taker, a dreamer, a storyteller, & as dramatic as the day is long.

So why the low self esteem? It makes no sense to me. A 10 year old such as Liv should feel as if she has the world on a string. I spoke to her about this and we're working through whether these are simple normal tween feelings or if maybe she tends to make normal feelings bigger than they really are or whether she really, really does feel bad about who she is. She promises me she has it under control. I told her that I am here for her, and her dad, and her family, and teachers, and principal, and prayer helps. She says she's got it.

I sure hope so because Lord knows this child was made to shine.

Happy February

2011-02-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

I have missed you, Smile Lines. I have but a moment so was going to steal just a few and reconnect.

The photo above from last winter makes me think of love (the red gloves over my chest appear to be a bit like a heart, yes?) And I was standing with a prince after all.

Much has happened per usual since my last writing.

The winter was a busy one. Girls were in the play Annie and were just darling. I was every bit the stage mum at their weekly rehearsals. I could not be more proud of them. They are my joy.

I was incredibly sick all of Dec. I dropped a jar of jam on my toe in the middle of it all and swear I broke it. boo. It was also one of the busiest months I can ever recall. Did I already mention that?!

Christmas was spent in Missouri at the gorgeous home of my brother Peter's family. They decorated every nook and cranny, entertained us with horse drawn carriage rides, delicious meals, even had Old Man Winter grace us with a white Christmas. Our sleeping arrangements rivaled those of an inn. Perfection. Today I have never felt happier or more blessed by the family I was given. Lucky girl.

Brighton School remains one of the safest, happiest spots for our family. Liv and Audrey are thriving. That is almost an understatement.

The three dogs are smellier than ever but Al and Bell continue to make my heart sing as they lay about the house with their heads on eachother. Frib (and his steroids) seem to be keeping whatever ails him at bay which, too, is a blessing.

Eric's mom is moving here in 12 days (to an assisted living facility). God bless it all.

k PR is in a nice groove right now. My team is solid and wonderful and everything I could hope for.

We just took a quick jaunt to Disneyland and loved every moment.

I continue to love waking up next to Eric every single day despite the ups/downs of life. This weekend I realized for the very first time how truly grateful I am that we have been in a relationship for nearly 20 years and do not want to be anywhere else. Thank you, God.

The sun is out, the dogs are barking, and an afternoon of client meetings await so I am off.

May we connect again soon.

And if I do not find you before hand, Happy Valentine's Day. May your heart overflow with love.

A Decade of Bliss~ August 25

2010-10-31T00:56:00.000-07:00

Oh my, Liv Love. Ten Years of You. I tell you this every year (and many times in between)--your entrance into this world is the greatest thing I have known. I never loved so fiercely until I met you. Fun, energetic, silly, dramatic, wildly talented, piano playing, singing, cart wheeling, music loving, texting, emailing, acting, bright, beautiful, loving--- you. You, my firstborn, whom we hold far too many expectations of and so, so many dreams for. You arrived in our world on the date that was predicted and you have occupied my brain and my heart and my life beyond words since the minute we met. There are so many days that I stand in awe of you. You're a fabulous friend, you're incredibly honest, you're brave beyond measure, you light up a room, you own the stage, you smile bright & big & often. I love your freckles and your eyes and your seven mile stare when you grow tired. (kind of like you were doing here at your bday party)

Celebrating you on your tenth birthday was pure joy.

We celebrated in style--LIMO!

We had your favorite Jones soda flavors and colors (blue bubble gum and green apple) and your darling face was on each bottle! We also had m & m's created especially for you. They read Happy 10th & Olivia Rocks!

We played games

And after picking up all your party pals, we stopped by Coldstone Creamery for treats!

Then it was off to the hotel suite for a night of swimming, pizzas, movies and a slumber party!

Your actual birthdate came a couple days later. The day started off with a TV shoot at Brighton School. You are a star, Livvie!

Then a quick stop @ Starbucks!

A fun filled day at Extreme Adventure Camp (roller coaster rides at the fair!)

grown-up kid birthday gifts

and a change of a lifetime--pierced ears. so, so brave.

and beautiful.

may your every wish come true , my bliss.

Olivia Bliss Wilkinson~ August 25.2000

on my mind

2010-10-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

I know I should spare you the story of how I miss blogging, how Facebook has stolen its thunder, how I have many things I want to say each day but cannot find the time to blog, how I am so incredibly buried each fall season, how I want to lose weight, how I wish I had less on my plate (yet have no desire to say No to all the great offers), and on and on. I know I should spare you because you have already heard it all. from me. often.

So now that I have expressed it all (once again) I will attempt to reconnect.

My dear friend/neighbor/colleague, Carrie, spoiled me the past couple of years with Blog Books (two of them each year in fact~ one for each of my girls). The records of my blogs are something I cherish. I know they will, too. I cannot thank her enough.

As my birthday nears, I knew I needed to steal some time to blog since I have pressured her to make one (or two!) for me again this year. I have dedicated the greater part of the day to blogging (sitting on the floor at the girls Annie rehearsal for 3 hours this morning) and then for the past several hours from a living room chair where I've been stationed after I threw out my back this afternoon.

After pulling pictures and posting about all the memories of the past few months (not nearly done recapping yet either) I thought I best pause and blog about what's really on my mind.

I miss my gram more than words. I think of her all the time.
I love everything about Brighton School and many, many days I really wish I could just devote my time to the girls and their school.
I feel bad that my sweet mama broke her foot and I have not had time to communicate with her much across the miles.
I wish I gave my husband more time at the end of each day.
I want to bake more.
Iwould like the time and energy to make more homecooked meals.
I think an hour walk each day would be bliss.
I miss nursing my babies and having them fall asleep in my arms.
I am so grateful Audrey's cheeks and hands still feel like those of a little girl's.
I love that Olivia still wants me to get under the covers with her at bedtime & that she tells me all of her secrets.
Eric's sweet text messages make me so happy so much so that I will never take those sweet sentiments for granted.
I wish my brother and I ended our phonetag game recently and actually did connect.
I cannot wait for Christmas morning with my family~ parents, brothers, nieces, the works. love.
I need to make a Thanksgiving plan and think that the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, a walk, and a turkey here at home waiting for Eric after he gets off work sounds just right. If time allows I will make the turkey--if not, PCC market will!
I love watching the girls evening Annie rehearsals (3x a week for 3 hrs. at a time for months). The scene relaxes me. And makes me feel so proud.
I want to help my husband figure out his mother's care as she ages.
I think blogging daily (short & sweet) just like simple Facebook status updates sounds manageable at this stage of my life. I could post a picture a day as my friend, Carrie, suggests.

I think this shot would be a good one to begin with. This is the view from my chair right now. And it's beautiful.

Snippets of Summer from Wilkinson Manor

2010-10-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

Silly Sleepy Heads

Annual Beer Fest

Bell Chills

Northridge Swim Club

Hands Across the Sand - a group opposed to offshore drilling

Played tourists in our own town

Ice cream ferry boat ride

Seasonal delights

Berries from our bushes

Fabulous family visits

Fourth of July Fun

with friends!

Sunsets on the deck

And we savored all the sweetness of summertime

Sister Act

2010-10-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

Getting ready for camp one day this summer (field trip to an indoor ice rink) I captured a typical sister scene around here.

All smiles

Uh-oh, the drama begins due to big sis

She got her reaction

Best fix it, kid

Trying

Forgiving

Success

Sisterly love reigns

Sister Sweetness

2010-10-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

All of my girls~ so in love.

Oh, what they do to my heart

Princess, Parfaits & Pedicures~ Sweet Seven for Audrey~ July 13

2010-10-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

I did not think it would take me three months (plus) time to post about such a sweet celebration but here we are.

This was my beautiful birthday girl.

She woke this birthday as she does each day~ with a smile.

Seeing her each morning still makes my heart sing as it did the moment I first held her. Audrey remains a constant joy.

She is smart as a whip~ oh, the math problems she solves!, the words she spells!, the books she can read!--she loves to learn and is a pleasure to teach.

She has a tender soul (sobs at movies, feels deeply when someone is in trouble, and can read your heart or feel your need sometimes before you are even aware).

She has a confidence that many only dream about (bullies beware--she is the girl that will stop you in your tracks and regale you with the right and wrong approach to treating others).

She is driven, competitive, madly in love with her mama, always wanting her papa home or nearby, Olivia's biggest fan, and the greatest addition our family of three could have imagined some seven years ago.

So, back to her birthday morning~ oh, I forgot to mention ~ she is all things girly, frilly, pretty, and sweet. Here's proof.

Big sister, Liv, left her a couple of stuffed animals that she had wanted for her birthday at the foot of her bed so as to surprise her when she awoke. It worked. Instant love.

Her proud papa gave her an ice cream sundae for breakfast (as he does each birthday morning for us girls).

She had loads of wishes in her heart.

She savored every cool, creamy bite of her sundae.

Little Alice dressed for the occasion in a #7 cheerleader dress.

Then we were off to the salon to have the birthday girl's hair professionally done.

After admiring her lovely locks, she was whisked off to tea with Meme and Papa.

After seven years of waiting and wanting, she received a special gift ~ an American Girl doll from her grandparents (they present each grandaughter with one on their seventh birthday).

With a belly full of tea, cookies, and finger sandwiches we were off for the next adventure.

~Let the party begin~

A special Party Princess arrived and provided an afternoon of fun...

Magic Show~

Face Painting~

Balloon Hats~

Even Treasure the Princess’s bunny made an appearance~

The girls darling sitters came and provided pedis to party-goers

The party goers bid farewell

Audrey admired a dashing prince

Papa Frank and Audrey reviewed the day’s highlights

Audrey checked out her new gifts

And finally, over a pleasing cup of punch (complete with a bendy straw) the party girl declared the day a rousing success!

Audrey Elizabeth Wilkinson~ July 13.2003

happy

2010-09-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

we are at the beach. it is overcast, chilly-- and perfect. i love everything about being here. the houses are charming. the air smells pure. the girls are active and giddy. eric is relaxed. dogs are playful by day and exhausted by night. cooking is pure joy when i am here as i find ways to make do with whatever we threw in the cooler. i love opening the girls beds and prepping the dogs blankets for slumber. doing the dishes is therapeutic as i run the water and listen to the girls and eric chatter. prepping for the walk to the market, packing the beach bag, sweeping the porch--i love it all. simple. easy. happiness. i have been saying repeatedly since we arrived "i am so happy".

and then i decided to download some pictures i snapped today and blog a bit about my happy place and i discovered wi-fi. (until i discovered i had access to wi-fi i had not tapped in to the fact that part of my over the top happiness was because i thought i was totally unplugged--not a chance for a signal). wrong. and because i have no willpower i checked email and i read one that upset me and my happy place immediately became a distant memory. boo. and then eric saw that there was in fact wi-fi and he started tweeting and emailing and the whole world came into my cozy cottage and they weren't invited. boo. again. but i am taking my black and white self and reclaiming bliss.

i trust these sweet shots of my boy and girls and beasts will bring me back there in no time.

bella & bliss beach bound

skateboarding sweetie

believe it

post-dinner spin

my three loves

Voyagers

2010-09-02T23:34:00.000-07:00

Today marked a rite of passage for my Olivia. After suffering insecurity for her "fuzzy legs" for far too many years of her young life I succumbed to her pressure and allowed her to shave.

I prepped the bathroom with comfy, warm towels and the perfect temperature bath water and we sat along the tub's edge together. I slowly and methodically lathered up my babe's legs as we both bubbled with nerves and excitement. Rubbing her strong long legs I refelected on when I first lathered them with cream some 10 years ago. I thought of all the times I bathed her over the years and how we made Santa beards with soap bubbles, how she first learned to go under water, and the stories we'd swap about our respective days as we soaked together.

Uncharacteristcally, I took my time with Olivia this morning-- reveling in the simple act of shaving her beautiful legs. I fully embraced the moment and acknowledged how this is a part of her journey and how blessed and grateful I am to be on it with her. As the blond hairs made way for the smooth skin that Liv has been longing for she happily chatted and I happily focused. Sweet kid sis, Audrey, wandered in in the midst of it all and climbed in the tub water. Listening to my girls laughing and spinning tales together was bliss. Watching Audrey moisturize Olivia's legs was pure joy.

Together we ventured into new territory today. Liv waited so long for this day, Audrey was so thoroughly excited for her sister, and I genuinely lived in the moment knowing this would be a memory Olivia would never forget. And now neither will her mama. Thank you once again, my girls, for helping me adjust my sails and for making the journey magical.

Loves Me

2010-08-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

We meet again. Two months to the date since my last post. And once again, my plate is brimming. It is a huge blessing but whoa, here I go again. After tucking the girls in after tidying the kitchen, gathering their drama costumes for tomorrow's camp performance, grabbing my workout clothes for my walk after a morning TV shoot I paused to feed the dogs and thought--I am so, so busy but I am keeping it together --so what's next? Seriously. I thought just like that--what's next? Now. And then I thought--I better blog. I have neglected blogging.

Liv's 10th birthday is all planned, media follow-ups have gone out for an 800 person plus conference next weekend, prospective client proposals done, booked a landscaper to come check out the school grounds, researched and pulled images for an ad for the school (can you tell I adore all things Brighton School?), balanced checkbooks and I even walked the dogs today. Twice. This on the heels of Eric announcing he thinks Bella the basset is depressed since we do not spend enough time with her. Seriously.

So I then realized I am simply crazy. I had one moment of thinking, "This is great. I am not stressing and all is flowing nicely" and as I did I realized I best fill the next moments with more productivity. So here I am--blogging.

But before I jumped online Liv asked me to sing her a song. So I did. And then Audrey begged for me to stay in her bed longer so we held hands and then laid with our arms around eachother's necks and she whispered, "You're the best." And since I thrive on being wanted I slipped back in to Liv's room and sang her two more songs --just because. And as I was leaving Eric pulled in the drive from a very, very late night of work and Livvie said, "Yay--daddy's home. You guys are the best."

I know I am not "the best" at anything. But I am wanted. And loved. And oh, so grateful.

Focus

2010-06-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have been swamped. buried. overwhelmed. unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. barely keeping it together. a very wobbly house of cards.

But now, this Saturday morning at 8 a.m. I able finally able. to. focus.

Let me first say that I recognize I am preaching to the choir. In fact, I had a draft of this blog post sitting in a folder. I had written it for me as I thought it would be cathartic and I had hoped to spare you my grumblings. No such luck. But today I feel lighter and have more perspective so let's hope this turns to more of an observation post than a rant.

Back to my "preaching to the choir" comment--I know that many of you are working mamas, pregnant ones, authors, training for marathons, raising handfuls of kids, going back to school, dealing with major life crises and sincerely just trying to get the drive to rise out of bed in the morning. So trust me--I know I am not alone. Unfortunately.

OK, let me start with the To Do List which is where it all began. And I am leaving out any k PR work needs because honestly...

Draft Neighborhood Association Update (but really--who cares about the new playground bark and parking guidleines anyway!?)

Find new mobile coffee cart for end of year Hospitality Committee event (for school event in 3 days that has been publicized for 3 months and the person just cancelled).

Pitch local TV, radio, print media about Middle School Math Students Homemade Canoes/ Races (I assist the girls school with PR because I love the place. madly. and because I am crazy.)

Send out Room Parent reminder notice about teacher gift $ and end of the year party (does it really take parents 3 emails and 2 handwritten notes to turn in $18?)

Hosptality Committee Overview (debrief the Mentoring Committee on how we created the Hospitality Committee this year and our guidance for them). A little over committed at the girls school you think?

End of Year Party for First Grade - how I got on this committee I do not know. I was NOT on 4th grades though and I did not even bring in one.single.thing. My $15 donation should have sufficed.

Father/Daughter Dance- not sure how I got roped in to this committee either. Yes, I have a daughter. Yes, they have a father. The woman with the 'vision' for the dance happens to have a child who is one of Audrey's BFs at school. But my husband was not even in town so as I set up and broke down Fri/Sat nights for the dance and I also was the Father at the ball. I had a major meltdown before we left for the dance. I almost called the whole thing off. Total tantrum. This is when the house of cards collapsed. Damn.

Create Dad Day Video for E.

Meantime, Audrey had Daisy Girl Scouts and a ferry boat ride to earn a badge. What is with all the flippin' badges!?

Olivia had piano lessons.

Both girls tried out, were called back and were then cast for Annie the Musical to run in December.

Beach Day festivities on the last day of school.

And I got a new hair treatment that I had to live with for three days --hair stuck to my head. oof. But, it should smooth out this frizz and spare me the routine of blowdry, heat roll, and flat iron beause who has time!? This could be a life changer. ;)

So here's the deal. All of the above I really enjoy. Well, almost all. And those things that I don't I am planning to be done with.

Here's the thing. As I've shared--I am black and white. All or nothing. Passionate--when I love something and when I abhor something.

I really can say No. I just don't want to. It all sounds fun. Plus, I thrive on challenge and dinging the bell, getting the carrot, and feeling very accomplished at day's end.

But, this does not really feed my family all the time--literally and figuratively. Or me.

So this summer I am changing my ways. I am refocusing.

Homeowners Association--does not thrill me. Bye, bye. Paid my dues. No longer someone who lives here without getting involved. Been there, done that.

3 year old Sunday School Teaching--not sure if this is where my focus needs to be now either. I really wanted my girls to learn empathy and work with these children (they were co-teachers) but it's been two years and there are others out there we could help. Or maybe we can just come to church for 1.5 hours instead of 3 those days

Brighton School- Yes to handling their PR. Yes to PTO Presidency. Yes to Hospitality Committee. Not sure about Room Parent. As for add on committees-- don't think so. Happy to bring in goldfish crackers, apple juice, or donate $ but do not need to organize the class bake sale to help bring in more mealworms...

My children, husband, dogs, business, family and friendships are enough for now. And they need me. Which is perhaps what this is really all about afterall.

Must dash--this little sleepy head just found me in my office. She is requesting OJ and a sewing project. Sounds divine.

Until We Meet Again

2010-05-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

My loving grandmother passed away at the end of March. Mere days from her 95th birthday. She was one of the brightest lights in my life. My heart is a different one because she resided in it and helped mold it since the day we met. I miss her more than words can say and yet I am totally at peace with her passing. I miss her voice, her wisdom, the way she so, so deeply supported and loved me. No matter what. I keep her number in my phone--the same one she has had since I can recall--her wedding photo on my dresser, and her example of how to treat and love the world always in my heart.

Below is what I read at her funeral.

“Sweetest person I know”, “true friend”, “beloved mother”, “wonderful neighbor”, “patient wife”, “dear sister “the grandmother people only dream about”—these are but a few of the ways my gram has been described.

My 6 year old daughter, Audrey, once described her great grandmother as “one of God’s angels on earth”. And, I do know that Audrey was not the first to say it.

Wow--what a gap her passing leaves. Yet what a legacy she has left behind.

A few years back I sent her a Valentine as I wanted her to know exactly how I felt about her. I will share it with you now.

My dearest grammie~

I wanted to write to you today to thank you for the endless generosity, courage, and support you have bestowed upon me and shown me over the years.

You are the first to encourage my mothering capabilities when I feel helpless and hopeless. You remind me of the thank you notes I have taught my girls to write and the many baking projects I tackle with them.

You inspire me to follow my professional dreams. You earned a degree in nutrition at a time when other females did not always graduate high school.

You always put others first. Your “birthday book” is so chock full of people that you remember monthly that finding room to add new babies born into the family is a challenge!

I love to remember my childhood days with you. Baking chocolate chip cookies, your renowned Boston baked beans, goodie bags for the drive home from your house, bus visits from college, full breakfasts (complete with eggs, bacon, half grapefruit (pre-sliced, of course!) and always a warm, loving greeting.

Your voice on the other end of the phone makes me miss you so. “Hi Katie, It’s only me gram.” Only me you say…There really is only one you, Grammie. One fabulous you.

I love how genuine you are when you sign off each call with, “God bless you.” I have adopted it as my salutation as well, hoping to make others feel as special as you make me feel.

Loved. Blessed. Grateful. This is how I describe my life, because I know you.

When I told my girls of gram’s passing on Wednesday I spoke about how she was at peace and not suffering at all. “But now I am,” said Audrey. I went on, “She no longer misses so many loved ones since they’re now reunited she doesn’t miss her parents, her sister, and grandpa anymore”. “But I miss her” Audrey retorted.

“I know. I do, too.” I told her. And then I paused and Audrey filled in the silence, “I guess God was just ready to have his angel back,” she said.

I guess so.

God bless you, Grammie.

Tweenhood

2010-05-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

Olivia Bliss is tackling tweendom with force. She is experiencing all the twists & turns and learning a bit of biology, psychology, and coping skills along the way. I am honored to be her mother as she traverses this new frontier. And I am thrilled she is bringing me along for the ride. We spend many an evening chatting about "what the heck is happening" to her.

For the most part she is a happy 9 year old.

She is blossoming by making new friends at Brighton School

and cherishing her older ones

her kid sis remains her biggest fan

Liv definitely keeps me laughing--and guessing--and aging -- and most of all --deeply, deeply loving her. All at once.

Pink Polka Dots & Pure Joy

2010-05-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

Tidying Audrey's room today I smiled as I pulled up her pink polka dot sheets, flung back her pink velvet curtains, primped the pink pillows and celebrated her sweet pink self. She came out a pink bundle of goodness and remains one with each heartbeat. Audrey makes my heart sing. We always referred to her as "jolly" when she was a babe and she is as jolly today as ever.

~She is a lover of life~

here she is enjoying a peanut butter cup. she happily hums when she eats

~of learning~

here she is after her insect report on butterflies. she wore butterfly wings, a butterfly dress, and even had butterflies on her shoes. and she passed out butterfly cookies, of course

~of sweets~

here she is making sure she gets the last drop of her ice cold milk after enjoying a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie

~of stories~

"and finally--he should be cute"~ here she is rattling off the proper traits of a husband as she frosted cupcakes for teacher appreciation day

~of treasures~

here she is embracing a childhood doll of my mum's (handmade by her great, great gradmother) which recently arrived in a box of heirlooms

~of exploring~

here she is after clamming, gathering mussels, and scouring the sand for shells & sea glass at her friend's beach house

~and me~

mother's day 2010

Sisterhood

2010-03-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

This silly shot made my heart smile just now.

Their attire, the expressions...

Olivia + Audrey = magic

Snapshots

2010-03-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

Since they say pictures are worth a thousand words I thought I'd upload a few of the latest ones that I just dowloaded from my iPhone and let them speak for themselves (with maybe some short captions)~ enjoy! More to come...

my new cruiser --this was the first trip! rode up to the hardware store and market

vases and tags for the Brighton School Hospitality Committee which I launched this year. i LOVE Brighton!

these dogs make my heart sing. smitten.

Spartan Fans

Flowers from my client due to a rough day on the playground--so thoughtful!

Abigail Adams Book Report

Beach Girls~spent an overnight on Camano Island together

Cleaning her beach treasures

Olivia Bliss working on her Knowledge Night invention

Olivia on her 4th grade field trip to the Olympic National Forest~ her papa was a chaperone on the 3 day trek

Oh, my darlings!

Go Olivia~ cheerleading clinic, Feb 2010

Pop Star~ Disney Studio Makeover, Jan 2010

All for now!

Reconnecting

2010-03-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

Hello dear ones--I have sure missed you. Appears I blog most when I have drama in my days but lately things have been relatively calm. Or maybe I have simply been too swamped but I sure have been missing it. And you. Not much to report on as of late as most all my daily happenings make it on to Facebook and Twitter but here's an update for those of you not obsessed with Social Media like so many of us.

Life at The Manor is wonderful. Michigan State has made it into the Sweet Sixteen hoops tourney so the prince is elated. He told me today (again) that he despises being called the prince. I probably should stop doing it then. bummer. Not sure of his reasoning--does he not think he lives up to the title or does he think it is simply too cheesy? Either way--guess I should respect his wishes. He also doesn't really like to be called E either. The man ain't simple...and I am the queen of the nickname(s). Especially since I have been calling him that particular nickname for nearly 19 years now!

Olivia and Audrey are great. Speaking of nicknames Liv recently asked to be referred to as Olive. I told the kids on the playground, in the neighborhood, and at Sunday school and they were all onboard--she is now not sure she's keen on the nickname. She ain't so simple herself. But, she has been a dream. For at least 5 days now. Seriously. After some drama over her Knowledge Night project between her and E/the prince/ my husband...Eric the other day all is improving.

Tucking her in the other evening she told me (again) of her hopes to be an actress. I had taken her and her dear friend, Jewel (or is it Juliette? She waffles on the nickname thing, too!) to see Alice in Wonderland and the darling child actor at the start of the film sparked Liv's desire again to act. I explained to her how kids that become stars are wonderful listeners, the ones that light up a room, the true leaders and rule followers. Oh my did I pour it on --and how untrue really-- but it worked!

Her attitude has been the stuff of proper behavior books for tweens. She dutifully does her chores, tends to her sister, follows our suggestions and takes direction well. My Olivia Bliss is bringing me bliss!

Because things can never be that perfect--Audrey E. is a bit of a handful. Not over the top but certainly pushing her limits. She apparently experienced heartbreak on the playground (a couple of the boys said they hated her which devastated her) so that led to some drama. They had a class conference and all is well now...She also got to have a sleepover with her BFF, Lily, which made her feel sixteen and sassy so we had to reintroduce her to life as a 6 year old.

Right at this very moment life seems to be flowing along beautifully. Dogs are asleep, kids are reading, Eric is driving around chatting with his mom like he does every Sunday evening--but truth be told--I am dreading feeding these dear souls. I love to eat (clearly) and I don't really mind cooking but I always feel like there is so much other stuff to get done that it is not joyful as it is simply ONE MORE THING on my plate.

I so wish someone could make dinner for us nightly, balance my checkbooks, schedule the kids summer camps, book vacations (love to take them, not interested in researching them), draft new client proposals and most of all--do my hair every day. And if there could always be one dear friend at the ready and an extra hour and a half in each day for me to walk with them--life would be truly grand.

And yes, this is really what little want I have in my life. Clearly, I am one blessed girl. With that I will count my blessings and go reheat some leftovers for Olive, Audrey girl, and the prince. ;)

Unorganized

2010-02-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

Three new posts- quite a feat for me these days. I was going to try to organize them in the proper order but how uptight must one be? Read on and thanks for popping by! More to follow...

Bella

2010-02-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

Meet Bella.

Sweet, smelly Bella joined our bustling household in November on the heels of my 40th birthday. Lord only knows why I just "had" to have a third dog to love but after much prodding the prince agreed. But only to a Basset Hound.

After searching the local basset rescues I came upon Bell. She'd been up for adoption for more than a year. My homely little girl. It was love at first sight.

Bell is a full bred Basset Hound. Maybe even an inbred one. Her eye lids are too droopy, she hobbles as she walks since her right front paw doesn't work properly. She's lost a toe. But her ears curl up on the end as if she is bearing a darling doo.

Most of all~ she's everyone's best friend.

Even when she eats your homework.

And boots you out of bed.

Missed You

2010-02-06T02:01:00.000-08:00

I have so much to say and such little time to say it but I am hoping to reconnect with you straight away by blogging some updates.

I trust many of you have caught up with the happenings here at Wilkinson Manor via my Facebook status updates or our holiday letter but as I've said before "Smile Lines" acts as a journal entry of sorts for my girls to read one day so here goes!

Nice to see you again by the way. My Smile Lines have grown deeper in our few months apart. Which is a very good thing.

Latest post is the entry below

Four Decades of Me

2010-02-06T01:32:00.000-08:00

Celebrating my 40th birthday was a month long party. I reveled in each moment.

The festivities started back in October--in Los Angeles.

Four Seasons Westlake Village, October 2010

The prince surprised me with a trip to the Four Seasons Westlake Village--a combo 12th wedding anniversary (10/11/97) and a magical birthday treat. We relaxed poolside, soaked in the sunshine, drank fruity cocktails, missed the girls, appreciated our dear friends, Carrie & Darren, for caring for our babies, counted our blessings and I managed to convince Eric to let me have a third dog. More about Bella later.

The morning of the official birthdate my three loves presented me with a handmade book, "Forty ways to Love Your Mother" complete with pictures of me over the years and captions that the girls crafted. To say I was moved to tears is an understatement.

The girls headed off to school, the prince to work and I loaded up the mama minivan for a slumber party with some of my besties.

The LaConner Channel Lodge less than two hours north of Wilkinson Manor along the waterfront was the quintessential setting to chat endlessly, giggle late night, swap silly stories and our deepest secrets. We vowed it to be an annual gig.

The all too short excursion ended on a fabulous note as I was welcomed home to a houseful of love and another fab party next door @ Carrie & Darren's!

Yes, that is ME on her shirt! They pulled out all the stops and coordinated quite a fete! Carrie and the prince designed t-shirts for us all! Check out my fave fans!

Yummy food, tasty drinks, warm hearts, and Eric on the guitar. Another surprise gift that left me speechless. Together with the girls he wrote a song to accompany the darling book they made, "Forty Ways to Love Your Mother". Silly, sweet, pure Eric--the vocals alone will keep me smitten for life.

Here is a shot of Audrey and me looking on...in matching tiaras, of course!

The gifts that were given were so well received. My heart was touched with each ring of the doorbell for weeks and weeks. Personalized M & M's in pink and green (darling!), a dozen microbrews from around the country, peppermint cocoa and cocktail mixes, vintage shot glasses, funky pint glasses, a copy of my blog over the year, jewelry, soy candles, autographed books, a leather journal, Starbucks cards, bouquets, and more!

And then-- another soiree was held in my honor!

This time at the swanky Arctic Club in downtown Seattle. Some of God's greatest people were there to celebrate ME. I had the time of my life. I was the one in the flashy shirt acting at if I was 21. Here are some snapshots of the night.

Words cannot explain how blessed I am. I have never been happier.

To four more decades..and beyond!

Clips in the Mail

2009-11-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

My sweet mum thinks of me all the time. I know it by the amount of clips in the mail. At day's end when she relaxes in her spot on the couch next to the side table, she reads and clips. And thinks of me.

I see her there in that spot over the years. As a teen after cheerleading practice I would come through the door and sometimes find her lying down and resting before dinner prep. Sunday evenings with her slippers on and her feet up she would sip tea and read the paper. Some times she'd be there sewing buttons on various articles of clothing, or watching the Red Sox, or drafting a note to a family member or writing a check to one of the charities my parents support.

There she sat. My consistent, thoughtful, loving mother.

In some ways we are cut from different cloths. She is not a worrier and her idea of panic is when she loses her keys (or my dad in a mall). Me--I obsess over things I have no control over and have a mind that races with wild horrific thoughts. That would never occur to her to do. She trusts God, turns things over to Him and moves on. What an amazing example she is.

A couple of autumns ago I brought the girls home to surprise my mom for her birthday. We drove from Massachusetts to New Hampshire one day to visit my gram. On the way home with the girls asleep in the back of the cozy car my mom and I chatted about her college years-- how she left Nursing school to marry my dad and raise my brother. She spoke about how she was Class President and how she performed in Glee Club for a young senator from Massachusetts-- Senator Edward Kennedy.

I had no idea how accomplished and well respected she was in her college years. I do know how sorry she was that she did not finish her education as she was married and had my brother and followed my father to Stanford where he got his doctorate instead.

I also did not know how hard she tried to go back to school in California but her credits did not transfer and then when she returned to Massachusetts to finish her schooling years later the credits no longer counted.

Throughout my growing years I never thought of my mother as the bright, driven college student who lost her chance of completing her education and becoming a nurse. I did always think of her as the quintessential mother as it came so naturally to her and she thrived in her role.

She was the mom packing notes in my lunchboxes, making pancakes on Sunday mornings in her apron, applying lipstick moments before my dad was due home from the office, driving me to and from ballet, cheerleading, and friend's houses for sleepovers, beaming from the bleachers at our cheer competitions, primping me in my costume before ballet recitals, stirring the fizz out of the ginger ale and filling the Tupperware bowl with oyster crackers when my belly was upset, singing "K-K-K-Katie" to me before bed each night, saying heartfelt prayers, making Baby Jesus Birthday cake on Christmas Eve and sherry cofffee cake on Christmas morning, paying for my wedding dress with Savings Bonds she'd purchased over the years with random birthday money and funds she acquired in various ways as she was a stay at home mom but so wanted to give me this precious gift.

I always dreamed of one day being exactly like her. To this day she is my benchmark on how I should be raising my girls. So many days I feel very inadequate in comparison to her.

My mom created a mother's journal for me with a collection of family memories about her childhood. She told me how her great grandfather worked in Whitman, Mass at the "Toll House Restaurant" where Ruth Wakefield created the first chocolate chip cookie! She wrote about how my maternal great grandmother and paternal grandmother were college educated, how my paternal great grandfather graduated from Tufts University and was active in politics, and how my maternal grandfather was cronies with quite a few of the Boston Brahmin when he ran his Volkswagen dealerships on Beacon Hill and in Brookline--including Former Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill.

And she candidly told me that her childhood was not a very happy one. Her parents divorced when she was just a toddler. She divided her time between her parents who remarried and went on to have large families. She'd travel by train to one home that bustled with six kids and back to her mother's house where she was the eldest of ten.

The life she gave me and my brothers was idyllic. Clearly she created this world for us--not out of mirroring her own--but instead by reinventing it.

I recently received this clip in the mail.

"Where did I come from?" the baby asked its mother. She answered, half-crying, half- laughing, and clasping the baby to her breast, 'You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling. You were in the dolls of my childhood games.'"-poet Rabindranath Tagore

In her lovely penmanship she wrote the following--
"I loved this! I, too, used to dream as a child playing dolls what my baby girl would look like. You answered my dream. I love being your mom."

And I love being her girl. My mother and I share a great respect for one another and while our lives have not been identical in so many ways our hearts do appear to share the same beat.

I just now opened the memory book she gave me back in 1998 before I had children of my own and read some more of her words, "You have enriched my life in ways no one else could have...one woman giving to another- a gift I lived through you in some of your activities. I learned from you to take risks. I don't like change and you blossom in it. You are a trusted, true friend and you are truly genuine--what you see of you is what you are. You go for things you want and you believe in yourself. You are a great communicator. My greatest hope for you is that you will be happy and have children who love you as you love me."

One day not long from now my girls will receive clips in the mail and when they do they will know I am thinking of them just as my mom thinks of me. And I trust our hearts will be beating in time.

Freckled Faces and Fairy Tales

2009-11-04T22:35:00.000-08:00

"A face without freckles is like a sky without stars"~ Natasha Bettingfield

Dearest Liv Love and Audrey Girl,

I could not let one more day pass without telling you both how wonderful you are. Your presence in my life is such a blessing. As a little girl I had such dreams of what my own children would be like.

I looked at you tonite across the dinner table and fell madly in love with you both all over again. I tend to do it all the time, you know. It's usually when I'm tucking you in at night, or watching you walk to class or in to gymnastics, Liv. Audrey girl when you greet me at the end of the school day and give me a thumbs-up from the swimming pool during class--I melt.

I love the handmade cards and notes that you create during the day because I am on your mind, Audrey. Olivia, when you bound in to the car and announce your latest AR score and cheerfully ask me how my day was I thank God for you.

At the school play tonite seated in the audience with you both it happened again. The rush of love I receive just being in your presence is magical. Olivia you sit with your legs crossed fully engaged and simply beautiful. Your bright teeth and shiny hair and strong limbs appear ready to take on the world! I love your spirit.

Audrey, how many kisses you must have planted on me in just over an hour's time.

Girls, the way you thank me for taking you to church, sweetly sing in the car, hold my hand when we're walking, and always compliment me about my mothering, my appearance, my meals--oh my! You can see why I am so grateful to you and why I love you so deeply.

Olivia Bliss, how dedicated you are in school. I watch you in your classroom with great pride. I know how focused you are and how well you want to do. I hear you doing homework with your father and how very hard you work at it. Way to go, my Livvie B!

I know how well respected and admired you are by your peers. You are the girl on the playground at recess that is tumbling and dancing and leading the charge. You are also helping out the "special needs" kids and playing with them--making them feel finally that they, too, are normal. You take on your role in patrol with devotion. And it shows.

I watch you at gymnastics and I love how much enjoyment you get out of your weekly training. Nine hours, girl, and you never complain. Oh, Olivia, you have grown up so much.

I do look at your sweet face--your dancing eyes, freckled nose, big smile that affects every part of your beautiful face and I fondly remember your newborn days, the baby days, the toddler days, the pre-school ones, the first elementary school years and while I pine for them I also see my grown-up girl. A thriving, smart, beautiful, caring, talented, sweet child. Of mine.

Audrey E, my wise, wise girl. The talks we share! The questions you ask! The things you know. Oh my, girl. Look out world. Today's discussion on the ellipse and dramatic pause, how you knew about "pirating videos" (an illegal act you say), quoting silly jokes from a joke book and remarking on how "cheesy" jokes from joke books tend to be!

How you handle responsibility and homework and how wonderful it is as a parent to hear from your teacher, "She is an amazing listener".

How tender your heart is. The way you speak to others is beautiful. The way you really "see" others helps me to be a better person.

I love how you wear girly girl things and have little trinkets and purses and shoes that click when you walk! I love your laughter and your singing and how much you treasure your big sis.

Just as I tell God every night at your bedsides I will say it all of my days, "Thank you God for giving me Olivia Bliss and Audrey E."

You are both exactly what I envisioned my little girls would be like. Silly. Pretty. Happy. Bright. And freckle faced. You are my dreams come true.

Heavy Heart

2009-10-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

I have an issue. Thanksgiving is upon us and the day after Thanksgiving we have a family ritual. We had this ritual before we were a family even. It began 11 years ago.

Eric and I always joined our friends for an evening downtown --sipping martinis fireside at the Mayflower Hotel and then greeting the holiday season with a quintessential welcome-- seeing Santa for the first time in nearly a year, watching the holiday tree come to life with all its twinkling lights, singing Christmas carols in the chilly air, and finally basking in the glow of the fireworks overhead.

It was always a hopeful occassion spiced with grand adventures--treks to Irish pubs, sleepovers that grew over the years from 4 adults to a group of 10 with babies, toddlers, and dogs in tow, chats over bowls of winter stew and yummy wine, loads of laughter and timeless memories.

Over the years we've added babies, other families, and cocoa and cookies to the mix.

And then it happened. Two years ago now on that very eve we had a falling out. I will not rehash the details but apologies were made and the forgiveness never came.

Still over the years I have sent several emails, notes, cards and thoughts professing my sorrow, apologies, and genuine sadness. Finally I was told that they would be willing to see me and the girls but not Eric. That would be all well and good if Eric felt the same but since Eric at that time did still want to see them (and apologized several times himself) then clearly you know where my loyalty lies. Reject him, reject me.

Last year on the day after Thanksgiving Eric and Olivia went back to the same hotel. So did they. I was at Children's with Audrey due to a terrible cold and the breathing issues she gets along with it.

They exchanged hellos and apparently it was a pleasant hour or so. There were plenty of others to distract them as well. The kids played beautifully together. The same kids that saw eachother for the first time moments after entering the world. The same kids that celebrated all their first outings together, holidays, sleepovers, even first little kisses! Our Godchildren.

I sent an email after that night and a picture a friend had snapped of all of them. I commented on how happy I was to see them "reunited" for the evening and how sorry I was to miss it. No response.

I am now just more than a month away from facing the day. Frankly, I don't care to do so.

Recently my tech guy switched my company on to a new server and literally every email I have sent since 2005 is in my sent folder. There were a lot of sent items to that family over the years. From friendly reminders of birthday parties, confirmation of our annual Santa Train trip, well wishes for their parent's 50th anniversary, blessings for their father's health, and the apologies and the "I miss you" notes.

"Let's just pick a new spot," I told Eric yesterday. "I still want to do the tree lighting and the fireworks and if we run in to them so be it."

"It's our family tradition to go there and the girls love it. YOU love it, Kate." he pleaded.

I don't want to go. My heart is still broken.

Going Gray

2009-10-17T10:42:00.001-07:00

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm” ~unknown

I am a true black and white person. All or Nothing. In or Out. Game as a badger or Not Showing Up.

Passionately LOVE something or great disinterest.
Content or freaking out.
Crank up the music or total silence.
Completely get something or pretty clueless.

Dishes done before bed.
Beds made before I leave the house.
Pressing phone call to return? I'll make it THEN (despite the cranky kids in the backseat or busy highway I am cruising down).

I guess I am more Black than White. Regardless, you get the picture.

Right now is a prime example. Dear Olivia is crooning to Wii Karaoke. She has a sweet voice and is on key for sure but I am trying to blog and I wish she would PIPE DOWN. The voices in my head are going nuts. This is a total silence time, sister! I could hide away in the office, climb in bed with my laptop, or even go sit in the car to escape the concert taking place in the family room a few rooms away. Or I could deal. It is taking A LOT of effort trust me. But I am doing it.

I have wanted to blog F-O-R-E-V-E-R (oh, the guilt!) but life keeps cropping up and my to do list is growing moment by moment. Last night I was gung ho (sp? I am not going to google it either! baby steps...) to make it happen. I have a handful of blog topics in the hopper. But then Audrey's darling toothless grin was in my face and Eric was playing all sorts of great music on iTunes and priority called--it was time for the Kitchen Dance Party. I turned off the computer and shimmied, bobbed, and pranced about the house. Sure, it was a Turn Up The Music moment but because I had not completed my "blog task" it was a lot of effort to join in. But I did it.

By the way-- I am FAILING miserably right now. Audrey has just returned from walking her babies in the rain and she and Olivia are now arguing over Wii Karaoke. I just yelled from the dining room, "I CAN NOT TAKE THIS RIGHT NOW GIRLS!" And I mean yelled. Damn...

Here are some other ways I am trying to enter the gray zone...I just made breakfast, got Audrey suited up for the walk in the rain, helped her load her babes in the carriage, bid her farewell and even snapped a pic. Meantime, the breakfast dishes are piled up, the to do list is overwhelming me but I sat down to blog even with other needs. That is gray for me. Did I mention I still have heat rollers in my hair --from an hour and a half ago?

OK, so in an effort to maintain some semblance of order I am going to dash. Stay tuned on my progress as this is nearly four decades of personality I am trying to "change". Plus Audrey has called for me from atop the stairs wondering if I can swaddle her baby, put on her necklace, and help her find her favorite markers.

The karaoke game ceased after my little explosion and the only sound I can hear quite loudly now is Fribble snoring. Which to be honest is a bit annoying as I ideally want TOTAL silence.

Did I mention I want a third dog? Seriously.

Olivia Bliss, Happy Birthday ~ August 25

2009-08-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Here is a video I made for Bliss on her 9th birthday. It's 22 minutes long so I more than understand if time does not allow for viewing...

http://www.vimeo.com/6351973

If you need a password: Katie

Audrey Elizabeth, Happy Birthday ~ July 13

2009-08-30T09:18:00.000-07:00

Glow

2009-08-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have a new client. I am not sure I have ever been more energized or honored to represent such a client. You see, this one appears like a gift. A precious one that I believe has come to teach me lessons. Big ones. The biggest ones. About loss. And trust. And love. And faith. Deep faith. Genuine faith. Faith that can move mountains. Faith when you need it most.

Let me be honest, my "worry brain" makes me wonder why I am part of this chapter in the story. Is there something lurking around the corner that willl rattle me and mine so God wants me to learn from their story? Maybe. Probably. One day at least. And then I remind myself once again (as I do daily) "it's not all about me" and I will not lean on my own understanding. While I do believe their is a purpose for my life and many, many lessons to learn at each turn I also think sitting about searching for them causes me to miss the scenery along the way. So I am jumping onboard and enjoying this ride no matter where it takes me.

For now I am hoping it lands my client in a seat next to Oprah. Seriously. This is powerful stuff.

How I came to be a part of this wonderful mix of people is pretty cool in it's own right.

Seattle Times sports journalist, Jerry Brewer*, won a coin toss to cover a story of a Seattle area basketball coach on a winning streak. What he wound up covering was a story about a child’s deadly disease, a family’s faith, a community changed, a journalist's salvation, and a miracle. Gloria’s Miracle.

11 year old Gloria Strauss was the coach's daughter. When Jerry met Doug Strauss, Gloria had just been given a few weeks to live. She was battling neuroblastoma, a deadly form of childhood cancer. She'd been fighting it since she was seven.

For the next five months, Jerry covered the story of Gloria and the family of seven children in his series of newspaper columns, “A Prayer for Gloria". Like many Seattleites I was familiar with her story.

Meantime, Gloria's family's van was broken in to and the video tapes documenting Gloria and her family's lives were stolen (the mother had loaded the videos in the car to bring them to a friend who was compiling a DVD for them). KING 5 TV got a hold of the story and my Eric interviewed the family. Including Gloria. Gloria~who looked like a child actor. Blond, bright eyed (big, blue ones full of life), with soft hair and an easy bright smile. She sparkled. Her voice sounded so sweet. She spoke well beyond her years as she pleaded for whomever stole the family's tapes to return them. Eric told the girls and me about Gloria that night at dinner. He came to speak of her often. He said she had something "other worldly" about her. Angelic even. (Trust me, Eric does not normally speak in such a manner and with all the news and tragedies he covers day in and day out he does not speak often of one particular person or story.) It was different with Gloria.

A month or so later Gloria died. The community was shaken. The world lost some of it's light. But the family believes the miracle of her life and legacy will continue to inspire all who hear of her.

Back in May, more than a year and a half after she passed Eric covered a story with her parents. They'd created Gloria's Angels (http://www.gloriasangels.com/), a non-profit organization designed to lift burdens and build communities so people can focus on caring for a family member with a life-threatening condition. Doug gave Eric a mass card of Gloria that day. It remains on his desk and he told me just last week he looks at it often. He says it calms and comforts him to do so.

After covering the Gloria's Angels story Eric said to me that night across the kitchen island, "You'd love to help represent the cause, Kate. You'd be such a good fit. It's everything you believe in."

The busyness of life resumed.

Surfing Facebook one day recently, Jerry's new wife, Karen, (whom I know and respect professionally as she was one of my key press contacts at The Seattle Times and I have thankfully gotten to know her personally due to Facebook, email exchanges and her generous client referrals) posted a video of Gloria. The video showed that Jerry was releasing a book about her.

Through tears I commented on her status update and wished them well. Then I got an email. Karen explained one of the missing links for the book project was they had not settled on a publicist.

After a two hour lively meeting at Starbucks with Jerry, the publisher, Mike, and Doug Strauss--k PR was on the team.

Armed with a draft of the book and a beaming heart, I was off. I read the book in a matter of hours. I sobbed. I admired. I was inspired.

One of Gloria's nicknames was Glow. It suited her beautifully. The book details a visit from a South American celebrity and very Godly woman who met Gloria's parents and within moments told them she saw glitter around them. She explained this was a sign of holiness.

Glitter has become synonymous with those that know Gloria. Children spot glitter and sparkles on their school books, parents find it in their living rooms, teachers see it on office walls--all believing these are greetings and signs from Gloria.

Finishing the book in the crowded tub last night with Olivia and Audrey around me, Liv said to Audrey, "You can meet Gloria, ya' know?"

"How? Papa said she is in Heaven." Audrey replied.

"Not right now--when you get to Heaven. She'd like us, I know." said Liv and then she promptly dunked her head under water continuing her attempt to break her under water breath holding record.

I completed the book, we brushed teeth and I sat down to fold laundry in the play room as the kids chose their books for bedtime.

I plopped down in a pile of pink and white heart sparkles. Seriously. Yes, we have sparkly powder, sparkly perfume, sparkly nail polish, and when Charlotte and Tabitha (the girl’s tooth fairies) visit they sprinkle sparkles over them as they slumber so all those sparkles could be attributed to those many things for sure.

Audrey approached with her book selection--"I'd Be Your Princess"~ a royal tale of Godly character. It's a story of a little girl imagining life as a princess and she is telling her father how their lives would play out together.

Audrey read from this page~
"We would wear matching crowns with shiny jewels and long red capes that touch the ground."

"Yes," said her father, "and you would smile and wave to all the people in our kingdom. And the people would smile and wave back because you are so very beautiful."

And then there is a bible verse at the end of the page~ Audrey read it aloud.
Let your beauty be that of your inner self. I Peter 3:4

"This is just like Gloria, don't you think?" Audrey asked.

Yes, I do. And as for those sparkles scattered around me? I think that was Glow, too.

Jerry's book will be available at www.GloriasMiracle.com shortly as well as at local booksellers starting September 8th. It is available for pre-order now on Amazon.com.

*Jerry is donating more than half of his royalties from this book to Gloria's family to use for the foundation or for their growing family.

Sweet Summertime

2009-06-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a day! Eric was given a Sunday off as they asked him to work on Friday. We loved every single minute of sharing a "true" weekend as a family. He has worked Sunday through Thursday since we moved to Seattle (more than 11 years ago!) and therefore, he has never had a schedule that allowed for Saturdays and Sundays off--it is a total downer.

I will not digress or wallow.

We spent the morning at church-- 10 a.m. class teaching the 3 year olds. The girls absolutely loved having Eric there and he was a help to me, the little ones, and a welcome presence for Liv and Audrey.

After the church service (which was all about marriage and honoring one another and rekindling passion--a great sermon to have him at ;) we went to Lavender Hill Farm out in the "country" thanks to learning about it from Carrie and Darren. (Carrie happened to be there with her kids as well--fab!)

The pictures capture it best...

sweet and silly

beautiful Bliss

belly laughing beauty

The girls lavendar sachets are nestled under their pillows, fresh cut lavendar is drying in their rooms and the sweet memories of the day are lingering in our hearts...

Sally's Spa & Satellites

2009-06-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

Audrey aka "Sally"opened a day spa this week. Foot soaks, facials, and sweet talk. I am officially water logged and blissed out--in a really grateful way.

Sally opened her salon featuring al fresco treatments.

Sally is the quintessential shop owner--she asks all about your children, work, pets and comments on how she is thoroughly impressed that one can juggle it all. She then lets you know how pleased she is that you were willing to give oneself some "me time" and have a spa treatment. She offers a warm vanilla or lavendar soak. She speaks about how she was not sure if she should pursue a career as a waitress or as someone who does nails. She comments on how her parents think Stanford would have been the best option for her. Honest to God.

Sally caters to all ages.

She even provides a relaxing waiting area complete with reading material.

I visited again on day two. She had moved operations indoors until the sun rose higher in the sky and the weather warmed. Inside she was able to turn up the service a notch with pictures of customers loved ones, seashells, some flowers, and anything else one may desire (a coaster for my coffee cup and a bud vase given to me by my grandmother, for example).

Sally's Spa has been such a hit that satellite offices have popped up all over the place.

Here is Schyler's Spa

And "Sparkle & Spa" (which was founded some time ago by Olivia & Jewel but specialized in hair and nail polish originally. They've now expanded to offer "soaks" and massage!)

Finally there is "Shine" which is run by Olivia

She defines her spa as a more "natural" haven

Her differentiator is the botanical bath

So far none of the fabulous entrepreneurs have asked for money but their mamas plan to plithe them with plenty of popsicles and praise as we need them to stay in business for a long time to come. At least for Summer 2009.

And the Award Goes to Olivia Bliss Wilkinson...

2009-06-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

Third grade teacher Miss Moe passed out student awards on the last day of school.

Liv took the award for Excellent Effort. There was a time (not long ago) that Eric and I did not think this first born girl of ours would have received such an award to be truthful. Olivia is certainly bright but we have not always seen her as someone who stretches herself as much as we think she should (or maybe better put--as we would like).

It appears we've been sorely mistaken.

The joys of being the first born! Poor child of ours. Seriously.

Liv also received nearly all 4's (equivalent of A's) in "Effort" on her report card and again, we were so incredibly impressed with her. Good grades matter for sure but GREAT grades in effort, teamwork, and social skills now that is what matters most here at Wilkinson Manor. And our Liv blossomed across the board.

Next week Olivia moves on to "team" level at her gymnastics academy. It was hard earned. Not that it took much to receive the green light to move forward from her pre-team coach who trained her for the past year but she certainly did have to make an impression on her tough to crack parents.

She needed to joyfully go to class, work hard at all the skills, and show us that she could be committed to training 9 hours a week. Without any complaints.

She did it. Beautifully.

Look out Fellow Future Olympians, Ivy League Pals, and Hollywood--Olivia Bliss Wilkinson's star is rising! And her parents couldn't be more proud.

Pop Star on Patrol

2009-06-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

Olivia and her closest buds were selected to be on Brookside Elementary's "Patrol" squad next year. Incoming fourth, fifth, and sixth graders are chosen to help maintain order at school pick up and drop off. It is quite an honor and those who made the cut will proudly tell you, "Not everyone gets on Patrol."

After a video training session and seminar Olivia was ready to hit the pavement and get some hands on training.

I picked her up after patrol on day one and she bound into the car.

"It was awesome and I am sooo proud of myself. The best part? When I put on the vest I can write any one up for misconduct. I've already given Emmanuel a warning."

Be afraid, Brooksiders.

Here is Olivia and her dear friend and fellow patroler, Jewel, sharing celebratory popsicles.

The Graduate

2009-06-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

Audrey E. reached a major milestone recently. She bid farewell to kindergarten and Lake Forest Park Montessori where she has spent her weekdays for four years.

She will miss her dear friends greatly.

And so will her mama!

If I can only pick the groom!

I surprised her with "tea for two" at Queen Mary's.

She declared it the "fanciest day of her life."

She only referred to me as "mother" throughout the luncheon.

"Even the sugar is fancy, Mother!"

I am not sure if I would have enjoyed tea with the Queen of England herself as much as I enjoyed tea with my Audrey.

Oh, what she does to my heart!

Clearly, being a first grader is tired work...She even had a TV shoot (a follow-up on Seattle's KING TV (NBC) after her first day of kindergarten story in September!)

To The Class of 2021!

A Family Affair

2009-06-26T06:46:00.000-07:00

The Brown side of the family embarked on our bi-annual "kick off summer" and family reunion trip to Hilton Head, SC at the end of May.

An overnight at the airport due to a very early morning flight proved a good call once we got the girls down to bed.

Bedtime @ Seattle airport hotel, 10 p.m.

and up again a few short hours later.

4 a.m. airport bound

An uneventful yet long (12 hour journey) netted some siestas

and finally a dip in the Atlantic

and playtime with the natives.

Highlights for Olivia and Audrey were hanging with their 5 female cousins (age range 5-19).

Bike rides, beach days

pool swims

mini golf outing (Team Wilkies garnered two hole-in-ones!)

family dinners (host your own supper one night)

daily banana splits and root beer floats!

the nightly dance parties

and concerts will be remembered forever

Papa Frank crooning "Country Roads" leads the highlight reel

Thankfully there was also a lot of chill time

and bonding time

and of course, the family photo sheet on the beach!

Can't wait for Reunion 2011!

Sweet Hearts

2009-05-20T21:57:00.001-07:00

Audrey ran past the doorway while I was chatting with Olivia in her bed this evening and caught my eye. I gave her a big smile. She stopped short in her tracks and ran into my arms.

"I have something to tell you, Mama. I think it all the time. 'I love the way you make me smile'."

She then rushed off to enjoy bedtime tales and snugs with Eric as Liv and I resumed our time together.

Moments later it's lights out and Olivia sleepily says into my shoulder as we're hugging, "I know you love me more every second and you will never ever stop. I love knowing it."

How deeply loved they are. And so am I.

Not So Fast

2009-05-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

As I go about my days I am constantly reminded how much I truly adore my girls. I snapped some pics over the past few days of the things I will miss more than words as they grow.

The way Audrey tucks her her dolls and stuffed animals in for naptime when she leaves for school

Helping Audrey record interesting facts and gathering autographs in her "Book About Me"--234 steps from our mailbox to the nearest store, asking the girl at the market bakery to sign her book, popping by the fire station for an autograph from a fireman...

finding that they've put one of their bears in a time out

always giving Audrey a big, warm kiss on her freckled nose after I towel dry her hair

mags and cocoas

Pill Popping

2009-05-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am a supplement store owner's dream. I recently started giving them far too much money each month to try to maintain my health (or improve it)...I started with multi-vitamins (raw veggie pills--four a day), Cod Liver Oil, Brevail (apparently for optimum breast health), and magnesium to help stave off migraines. After one month those pills ran out and I headed back in to reload. This visit I added on Migrelief (sp?) for migraines (gotten two in the past two months and hadn't had one since Oct). They debilitate me and scare the heck out of the whole family...

Last Sat. night Eric and 6 other wonderful husbands surprised their wives with a private dinner, delicious wines, roses, chocolates, and a magical night of romance--quaint restaurant, fireplace, candles...lovely. I was literally shaking like a leaf. Yes, I was moved by the surprise gesture but I truly had the shakes. My hands, lips, legs...my dear friends mouthed across the table to me a couple times, 'You OK?" I calmly nodded..

Eric mentioned on the ride home maybe it was my pills. "But they're holistic and natural and just what I need" (so they say). I argued.

I have been incredibly edgy and nervous and paranoid about my health again--anxiety ridden and not at all like I have been for a couple years now when I finally grew calmer and for the most part able to keep things in perspective.

Well, I am back to the calmer, gentler me. I hope. At least for NOW.

I spoke to one of the employees at the supplement store who mentioned it may be the Brevail (breast pill) causing the migraines and bitchiness although it allegedly staves OFF PMS--apparently not for me! and it could be the Migrelief (contains Feverfew) causing the anxiety. So here I sit--strictly on multi-vitamins, cod liver oil, magensium and Vitamin B (hopefully they'll work on the migraines without the Feverfew) and I don't have an anxious thought in my head. So nice...and again, for now.

Or it could be that the sun is out and Eric drove by me as I was leaving the neighborhood on a walk and he sent me this text, "U R a 1 woman neighborhood beautification project"...

Truth be told it really is a comment (or a knock) about our neighborhood much more than it is a compliment to me but, I'll take it!

Girls Rock

2009-04-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

I started my day with a wonderful phone call with my mom. It had been days since we caught up and sharing a morning chat with her was so good for my soul. She filled me in on places they're considering moving to one day soon, swapped tales of migraines when she was a mom with young kids (I had NO idea she suffered with them as well), and we discussed a few other incidentals and bid farewell. How fortunate I am to share such an amazing bond with her.

Moments later I picked up my dear friend, Sheila, to take her to chemo. We spent hours together chatting about kids, friends, husbands, and more ---we shared salads as she received her treatment and once again, I watched her move through the frightening unknown with grace. We talked about friendships and I told her how truly genuine mine are--more so than ever.

Sweet Carrie picked up Audrey from school for me as Sheila and I were running much later than expected due to her doctor's schedule. I met up with Carrie and the kids later and was again touched by the way she embraces my children (and me)--always, always there for us. More like a sister than a friend really.

Later this evening after dinner I popped into the shower which is a "womb" of sorts for me---being in water (whether it's the shower or tub) is so comforting to me--and I climb in as often as I can. Audrey girl joined me and as I sat on the little seat chilling she regaled me with stories about her day--most notably how she got a "goose egg" on her forehead. She hit her head so hard we received two calls from the school along with an accident report I must sign and return.

As she ran the pink bar of soap under her little armpit she explained, "Lily walked me over to Mr. Bill (her teacher) and she kept telling me over and over how sad she was for me. I kept telling her I would be OK and I thanked her for helping me." she continued. "Was Mr. Bill upset for you?" I inquired. "Not like Lily was," she quickly replied.

I threw my head back and laughed. "Don't make fun of me, Mama. Don't you get it?" I do, Audrey girl, more than you know--girls rock.

Unstable

2009-04-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

Started this blog post more than a week ago and could not get it finished. Have a million things to do and can't get them all done. No clue what is holding me up, bogging me down, leaving me uninsipred. I am finally going to try to focus and at least complete a blog post. No real sense of direction with it right now but I am hopeful I will feel better when I've finished it. I think this will be a rant and a to do list of sorts so stop now if you're all ready bored OR if this crazy life reminds you too much of your own as you clearly don't need the reminder. Just know when it comes to this wild ride of life---I can relate!

Here goes~

April 12, 2009
I booked an impromptu mental health weekend for the family on a whim---it was in the middle of a very rainy spring break where my darling divas were going stir crazy, mom-in-law was in town and spent much of the visit sleeping late into the afternoon, watching me do Wii Fit (or anything else for that matter) and not bonding with my children. I was also working as was Eric. This weekend we took the much anticipated two day journey to Alderbrook Resort. The goal: reconnect and relax.

Reality

We were stuck in Britney Spears concert traffic and arrived several hours later than anticipated. We still managed to hit the indoor pool before it closed, enjoy a yummy microbrew, and walk around the grounds a bit.

So that's as far as I got with my post and here were some of the "notes" I typed to myself before I shut my computer down that evening.

skinny stay at home moms--work out? stress free

liv dialogue -cookie, skittles, bonk eric head, jump up and down, standing on her head (always, everywhere)

clients--SNL, Tyra Banks, introduction to Alicia Keyes

fly me to the moon-song on our first date, mix tapes, prince

Not sure any of it matters now or where I was even going with it. But I guess I'll try to make some sense of it.

The stay at home mom line was about the following--I wondered if I was a stay at home mom (not the kind who still has little ones at home to chase around and tend to but the kind who has older ones that they can send off to school and then have 6 hours to kill)--would I go to the gym and then would I finally be skinny? Would I be stress free if tending to my home, meals, spouse and kids needs were the primary focus as opposed to now---doing all those things plus having a business, TOO?

Liv's dialogue--as crazy as my brain is with its nonstop buzzing and seeking answers to inane questions it's not alone--Liv's brain is my brain's best friend. She is a whirlwind. If she is not telling me something about a Disney star, or a character in one of her books, or a class mate (and I believe much of what she is telling me is fabricated) than she is dancing, tumbling, bouncing, seeking sugar in the form of a cookie, candy, or ice cream or standing on her head. I had many tales to spin on the subject of lively Liv but we'll leave it at this for now...

Clients--they're a handful. In an effort not to speak out of school or appear ungrateful (or disrespectful) I will just state this--I have a client who thinks he should be on Oprah, Tyra Banks, and Saturday Night Live for starters. And he'd like to appear on those shows with Alicia Keyes. Naturally. He also thinks President Obama, Magic Johnson, Bill Cosby, and Connie Chung need to know about him. Oh, and Angelina Jolie. Seriously. That's just one of k PR's clients--there are ten others and a handful of prospects who keep me on my toes with similar "desires"...

Fly me to the moon--on the day that I sat down to blog there was a late afternoon sunburst and so I grabbed my iPod and Frib the dog and headed out for a much needed escape/walk. Fly Me to The Moon was the first song that came on my iPod. It was the song that was sang to Eric and me on our first date, played by the Michigan State marching band at my wedding proposal, and the song we performed a choreographed dance to on our wedding day. That song was followed by dozens of others lovingly selected just for me from dear Eric. It was a magical walk.

So--here I sit feeling better already as I am accomplishing something--a blog post.

Yesterday I really began to wipe some things from my to do list actually (did all this with kids in tow and about 4 hours--truth be told, they can really SHINE these girls 'o mine!)--I had to go to my former dentist after meeting with my new dentist (former dentist stopped carrying our insurance) anyway--the new dentist came up with all sorts of things I "had" to have done on my "treatment plan". I never need to have anything done at the dentist so I left feeling deflated and overwhelmed. I know, get a grip. I'm telling you--something has been up with me as of late. Anyway, I took my treatment plan to the old dentist guy who did all sorts of checks and even took an Xray and told me I was FINE and did not need to have a thing done. He saved me hundreds of dollars, stress, and dental work. Phew. But--what's up with the new dentist? not pleased.

Meantime I had about 8 items of business I needed to review with our health insurance company--I dread calling them so I tend to let the "needs" pile up. Come to find out--two of the bils were co-pay charges that already were paid at the time of visit so those were disregarded, another bill was actually a double billing from Eric's podiatrist so the insurance company is now fighting it out with them, we had a credit for $3.96 on another...all in all I wound up not owing a thing and since I made the call I saved at least $300. sweet.

My sunroof won't go back all the way all of a sudden and the rear brake light is out AGAIN--dear service man at Magic Toyota repaired the bulb in minutes and I was on my way. Made the appt. for the sunroof. check.

As he repaired the sunroof I had a heart to heart about Olivia's gymnastics and "team" outlook with her coach. Is this child really ready for 9 hours of training a week? AM I?

Hit the supplement store and grilled another employee about my cocktail of supplements and wondered if there is anything I am missing. Did find a daily holistic migraine pill that I have started popping...

Picked out a new front door--dutch door, great "Baldwin Couture" knob/bolt/latch along with a new French door with red paint for my office and talked to the contractor about working on our deck. Submitted paperwork to the neighborhood "Architectural Association" and am getting push back. Did I mention I am the President of the Homeowners Association? Give me a break.

Got on the phone with Delta Airlines (been working on them since Dec. when my mom-in-law couldn't get here for the holidays due to the weather). After 4 months of rescheduling her trip (only to have to cancel again), purchasing her a new ticket and having her come for her bday, I finally got word yesterday that they are refunding our money. Yes, I am a dog with a bone. I love when it works out.

As I sat on the phone I did order a darling puzzle from Photoshop for my mom for Mother's Day (it's a puzzle made out of a picture of the girls--too cute).

In the middle of all the bustle the past week I had a migraine (no kidding) and was sidelined for a day, panicked that I was dying of several things, was way too uptight with my kids, made Eric desire to be at WORK rather than HOME (yes, he vocalized this--don't blame him a bit) and had little patience with one of my dear brothers when I asked them to send me 15 things about why they loved our mom since I am doing a mother's day book for her reflecting her 46 years of mamahood.

But, today is a new day and I am making strides for sure...

Need to book two hotel rooms, rent a car, send a client a bday gift, send friends in Ohio an engagement gift, and get a gift for a new bride/groom, sign the girls up for swim lessons, mail the mom's day gift, count my blessings, breathe, and exercise. Right.

The sun is out and Eric asked me out on a date this weekend just because (it made me melt). I think I might grab Frib, my iPod, and pop on one of my mixes from my prince which always feeds my soul. But first, I must feed the girls, check Olivia's math homework and get her off to gymnastics---

Lastly, I asked Eric to describe himself in one word yesterday. Sleepy.
I then asked him to describe me. Anxious. I would have said "unstable". I'll take anxious, though, as it sounds much better. One day I'd love the answer to be "peaceful".

The Byrds (the Bees) and The Mamas & The Papas

2009-03-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

The Byrds

The talented band at my church played The Byrds "Turn, Turn, Turn" yesterday. It was a great reminder to me so I thought I'd share the link from The Byrds performing the song here as well as the lyrics for what it's worth. I hope you do steal a moment to listen to it as I believe it's a timeless message to absorb.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNopQq5lWqQ

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time to love, a time to hate

A time for peace, I swear its not too late

The Mamas and The Papas

I spend a lot of time in church crying. And I go alone. I am sure the people around me think I am a wreck. The tears are not sad ones ever. I am so genuinely moved and tuned in during that 90 minutes each Sunday. Not only do I think my pastor is very bright, insightful, and as genuine as they come, I love the music (really--they are clearly somewhat "hip" to play The Byrds during Sunday service), and experiencing the connections of people around me is so lovely. Seeing moms and daughters with their heads resting on each other's shoulders. All ages, too. Teens and their moms. Mothers in their 60' and and daughters in their 40's. Dads and their kids holding hands and dads with their arms slung over the back of their son's chairs. Beautiful.

Blessed

One of my favorite church songs is Blessed Be Your Name.

These lyrics permeated my soul yesterday- it's easy for me to be grateful in the good times. I need to remember to trust and roll with the flow of life in the dark times, too.

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Finally, The Bees

Total tangent here---my 8 year old, Olivia, is really blossoming. Not just socially but physically (already). I've had to guide her through some of the physical feelings she is experiencing lately as her body grows, walk her down the deodorant aisle as she needs it now that she works out several hours a week at gymnastics sessions (I am so glad there are "safer" deodorants available nowadays for these developing bodies), and watch her as she so gently and skillfully took care of me the other afternoon. (I was sidelined with a migraine and had to take to my bed--she took care of Audrey, the dogs, and herself. Beautifully.)

Here is my special girl reading to our three year old class at Sunday School.

Here is a shot below of her little sis, Audrey, posing at the store the other day.

"Take a picture, mama. This will be for my album cover called, Faith of an Angel". ha! She posed a couple of times as you can see...

I hope to experience their heads on my shoulder and their hands in mine all the days of our lives.

Playdates Suck

2009-03-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

There, I said it. I know how inappropriate it is and I know that I am clearly not radiating sunshine when I make such a proclamation but I said it. And now I hope I can let it go. Well, let me first rant and then I will let it go. Dear reader, you can stop now if I cause offense but otherwise you're on your own because I need to get.this. out.

Most of the time it is NOT the other kids so let me state that upfront so as not to offend ANY of you. Truly, no harm intended.

Today it's MY kid. Audrey to be exact. Didn't want to share her bike helmet with her friend and in turn threw a fit when I declared how that is not kind or appropriate. Just told me off, stuck her tongue out and SCREAMED at me throughout the neighborhood. Total meltdown and no reasoning was working. At least twenty minutes of pure freak out following me through the neighborhood as her friend and I attempted to ignore her---walking the dogs, riding the scooter, greeting the neighbors. ugh.

I am still "healing" from a debilitating migraine yesterday afternoon that left me without proper speech and vision and naturally sidelined me for a handful of hours. Thankfully I mended quickly but the day after my episodes I tend to be left weak with a dull ache where the migraine eventually settled.

Back to playdates---I have learned (very slowly and after many, many mistakes) not to host them when I really need to get something done. Today I was simply going to balance our personal and my business check books. Could I afford to take the time away from clients to do it? No. Did I feel obligated to? Yes. Each afternoon at school pick-up one of the six darling girls in Audrey's class asks, "When can we have a playdate?" After six months of daily requests I finally caved in. Most of them stay at school until the evening hours as their moms work longer days. I see how brilliant that appears now...

So my deal with playdates-- I don't like being the clown at the circus. I think creating the cute lunches with all the bells and whistles (balanced meals of course to please mamas and kids) along with carting out the crayons, markers, paints, leggos, dress up dolls, cd player, toy pianos, books, and more should suffice. Nope--they want MORE dress-up clothes (and help putting them on) and they want something more to EAT. Constantly. How can a 40 pound kid be so damn hungry? All the time? Now, honestly, the eaters and the "needy" players are not my kids. At least HERE at home. I assume at your house my kids are as demanding as the next ones. (if you tell them "no" and then ask them if their mama would allow it --if they're being honest-- they will tell you unequivocaly NO). I heard Audrey today tell her friend in fact--"No, we can't get that out. We'll need my mom to help with it the whole time and she is busy." Phew--she is trained. somewhat. Truth be told I used to feel really guilty when my kids would say that--not any more I don't!

Back to playdate drama--
A recent "friend" of Liv's spent the afternoon snacking on at least 10-12 items and then was seen walking about the house in.my.slippers. I recall myself meek in the presence of my childhood friend's parents and certainly wouldn't be caught dead wearing their articles of clothing!

quick aside--
Honest to God--this little one visiting us now just approached me again and said ---"I'm still hungry." I am not kidding it's at least the 7th time she's said it. Help me out here--I fed her applesauce, an apple, almonds, TWO gogurts, carrots, banana, PB & J, veggie booty, water, and even sugared her up with Nerd candies she pulled out of the Halloween candy bin...come on--it's been 2 1/2 hours! I, by the way, have yet to eat my lunch and it's 3 p.m.

OK, must go get Liv from school and settle Audrey. Yes, the tantrum has been going on as I typed. The other child? Plunked in front of the TV? Guilt ridden--not a bit.

As for my check book balancing status? Not nearly done. Perhaps I can finish it up this evening as Audrey is drafting her apology letter to her playmate.

One final thing---I guess I should clarify my statement--I LOVE playdates --when I am not in charge or at least when the duty is shared. And there is beer. or at least a lot of yummy food. FOR THE PARENTS

Be Still My Heart

2009-02-14T21:32:00.000-08:00

For starters listening to Eric play his guitar tonite made my heart flutter. Not to mention the music mix he made me titled, "more than you know"...bless him. He just returned from getting us a movie and as I came down from tucking the girls in I spotted candy bars WITH NUTS for me. He's my perfect Valentine.

At bedtime Audrey prayed a prayer of thanks to God for trees, oxygen, people, voices--"Yes, God, our voices," she prayed---"voices that we can use to speak kind things to others and to most of all speak 'peace'. May people--all people know how loved they are and to stand up for themselves and may we stand up for others when they cannot." beautiful insight.

Next door Liv was anxiously waiting to read to me from Inkheart. With inflection and poise she read and my heart swelled. She is such a gift and growing up so much (and so well as she ages). What a beauty she is. Below is a picture of her in a classroom play this week. Seeing her so happy and secure is a true blessing.

It's been a lovely Valentine's Day weekend with these magical people --my loves.

Escape Plan

2009-02-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

Life has been one wild ride as of late. The trip to Disneyland was magical. 80 degrees and sun filled skies. Happy & adventurous children. Lots of laughter. Loads of fun. Tasty treats. I relished it all. On our last night at Disneyland (after a fabulous dinner shared with two of my cool, smart 20 something cousins, Rhea and Sienna and fabulous Aunt Cyn) we went back into the park.

We rode ride after ride. As we would ascend the hill on the Thunder Mountain railroad roller coaster I would close my eyes and truly escape preparing for the giant dip.

Audrey taught me how to do it earlier in the day on the King Triton Carousel. "Mama, close your eyes. Put your head back and be free."

I could not recall the last time I was so happy. And free.

Last Monday night we returned home. Back to normalcy--school, work, organizing the kids classroom Valentine's Day party, sending out thank you cards, Valentine greetings and birthday gifts, proposals for new clients and projects for current ones, rushing to piano pick-up and gymnastics drop-off, afternoon client TV and radio gigs, coordinating babysitters and car rides for the girls, grocery runs--the usual busy-ness of life. Thrown in was the fact that Fribble stopped walking (literally), Audrey was accepted into the district's highly capable program which is a blessing but leaves us with many questions as to send her or not (and if not--where should she go to school?).

But most of all in the midst of it all little Audrey woke up several mornings vomiting. 4 times to be exact since mid-January. Not just a little spit up but major vomiting. Repeatedly. Until her belly is completely empty.

And then she would be fine.

Stumped, I googled it. Childhood brain tumors are apparently key symptoms to early morning vomiting. I panicked. Full fledge-back to living in fear-lost it.

Admittedly, I may have been too close to the flame which is why my mind went wild.

Truth be told--I have been reeling from my close friend Sheila's breast cancer diagnosis (and subsequent masectomy last Monday), I spent a decent length of time poolside with a family who was in Disney with Make-A-Wish (4 year old boy with cancer) and while at Disney the hotel pool lifeguard approached me as I was ready to take a plunge down the waterslide and told me, "God spoke to me that He is holding your family close in His heart." Seriously.

I did take Audrey to the doctor's office (the doctor who saw her happens to be married to an oncologist) and she was not worried. My dear, dear friend Sue (who is an internist) was not worried either. Based on the details I could provide they're both hopeful it's reflux/food related/timing of dinner & bedtime, etc.

On Saturday morning after it happened again with Audrey I pulled in to Target and parked in the spot next to her doctor. The one who delivered her and knows her best. Serendipity? Godsend regardless. She talked me through it some more and told me to STOP OBSESSSING.

The church sermon Sunday was all about turning EVERYTHING over to God as we are not capable of managing and handling and fixing all that is life. I'm trying. Breath by breath.

In the car on the way home from school yesterday I asked Audrey what she calls it when she closes her eyes on the carousel and puts her head back.
"No name, really. It's just something I do when I want to make something extra fun or really relaxing." she replied.

"Sounds to me like an Escape Plan." Olivia commented.

Right on. Works for me.

Someday Has Come

2009-01-23T00:23:00.000-08:00

As I have spent my most recent days trying to walk closely with loved ones and place myself in their shoes in an effort to be as helpful and supportive and loving as I can be, I have been constantly drawn back to thoughts of my own daughters. And to thoughts of mothers.

Audrey and I took a tub the other evening after a very long day. My back was sore and my heart ached. She regaled me with stories of recess and writing practice and let out giant belly laughs as she dumped buckets of soapy water over her head. I was in awe of who she is and all that I have. My thoughts immediately went to what the days must be like right now for my dear friend's mom who is reeling from the recent diagnosis of her daughter's breast cancer. She once shared her days with a vibrant, lively five year old, too.

I prayed with my beautiful girls tonite after warming up their herbal packs, lathering cream on their delicate skin, and tucking them under their quilts. I thought of what my mom must be feeling tonite as my brother is slated for major surgery tomorrow complete with a neurosurgeon and the awareness that he has a long six week recovery ahead of him. She spent night after night of his childhood pulling up the bedcovers, singing him songs, and sending him off to sleep with warm hugs and kisses.

One day when I was bustling about concerned over something relating to the girls, Eric referred to me as "Chicken Little". Audrey and Liv overheard the comment and immediately understood what he meant. It's now a nickname they throw out at me if ever I am running about like a worried mother hen fearing something will happen to them. Or if they think I am "over mothering" them.

"Someday you will understand," I tell them. They are the exact words my mother said to me. Someday is Here and she was right...

The Sun is Shining

2009-01-17T12:11:00.001-08:00

Frib and Al basking in the rare Seattle winter sunshine

Given how the first 17 days of 2009 have gone the fact that the sun is shining is one of the brightest spots thus far...

I will keep this post brief and consider this my journal entry for the past couple of weeks. I look forward to closing this chapter and for sunny days ahead.

Just sent an email to a girlfriend and thought I could use part of that note to best sum up the recent days.

Been a helluva a week, girl—close friend got the diagnosis of a lifetime. cancer. (mom of a 5 yr. old, engaged to be married in mere weeks, successful biz owner, life was blooming brilliantly). She will "kick it" I know (I think that will be the title of her blog we're working on--stay tuned) and I will be there each step of the way so long as she does not tire of me!

My brother lost his job to the economy (and is going in for nearly 7 hr. ear surgery next week in Boston with a 6 wk. recovery said to be filled with nauseau and dizziness—has a family of 4 back in Maryland).

One of my clients closed their restaurant after nearly 20 yrs (dozens displaced), a girlfriend suffered a miscarriage yesterday and has been simply overjoyed with the prospect of her babe for weeks now, my mom-in-law got in a car axe and can’t meet us in Disney the end of the month afterall- the airline won’t give us our $ back (thank God she will be OK once we get her back feeling better).

I will spare the k PR newspaper quotes this week, the insulting letter from a lawyer based on a client that won't pay, and the vomit fest hosted by my beautiful Audrey that kicked off in our bed at 8 this morning.

I may steal Liv and do some retail therapy for a bit as E plays Mr. Mom with Audrey and watches basketball. That is, IF she stops vomiting. Otherwise, she needs me more than the mall. ;)

So if that's the case I will pull up a slice of the floor and rest in the sun with the dogs.

Got this quote from a friend yesterday--

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

My umbrella is by the door...