Be Still My Heart

For starters listening to Eric play his guitar tonite made my heart flutter. Not to mention the music mix he made me titled, "more than you know"...bless him. He just returned from getting us a movie and as I came down from tucking the girls in I spotted candy bars WITH NUTS for me. He's my perfect Valentine.

At bedtime Audrey prayed a prayer of thanks to God for trees, oxygen, people, voices--"Yes, God, our voices," she prayed---"voices that we can use to speak kind things to others and to most of all speak 'peace'. May people--all people know how loved they are and to stand up for themselves and may we stand up for others when they cannot." beautiful insight.

Next door Liv was anxiously waiting to read to me from Inkheart. With inflection and poise she read and my heart swelled. She is such a gift and growing up so much (and so well as she ages). What a beauty she is. Below is a picture of her in a classroom play this week. Seeing her so happy and secure is a true blessing.

It's been a lovely Valentine's Day weekend with these magical people --my loves.

Escape Plan

Life has been one wild ride as of late. The trip to Disneyland was magical. 80 degrees and sun filled skies. Happy & adventurous children. Lots of laughter. Loads of fun. Tasty treats. I relished it all. On our last night at Disneyland (after a fabulous dinner shared with two of my cool, smart 20 something cousins, Rhea and Sienna and fabulous Aunt Cyn) we went back into the park.


We rode ride after ride. As we would ascend the hill on the Thunder Mountain railroad roller coaster I would close my eyes and truly escape preparing for the giant dip.


Audrey taught me how to do it earlier in the day on the King Triton Carousel. "Mama, close your eyes. Put your head back and be free."


I could not recall the last time I was so happy. And free.


Last Monday night we returned home. Back to normalcy--school, work, organizing the kids classroom Valentine's Day party, sending out thank you cards, Valentine greetings and birthday gifts, proposals for new clients and projects for current ones, rushing to piano pick-up and gymnastics drop-off, afternoon client TV and radio gigs, coordinating babysitters and car rides for the girls, grocery runs--the usual busy-ness of life. Thrown in was the fact that Fribble stopped walking (literally), Audrey was accepted into the district's highly capable program which is a blessing but leaves us with many questions as to send her or not (and if not--where should she go to school?).


But most of all in the midst of it all little Audrey woke up several mornings vomiting. 4 times to be exact since mid-January. Not just a little spit up but major vomiting. Repeatedly. Until her belly is completely empty.


And then she would be fine.


Stumped, I googled it. Childhood brain tumors are apparently key symptoms to early morning vomiting. I panicked. Full fledge-back to living in fear-lost it.


Admittedly, I may have been too close to the flame which is why my mind went wild.


Truth be told--I have been reeling from my close friend Sheila's breast cancer diagnosis (and subsequent masectomy last Monday), I spent a decent length of time poolside with a family who was in Disney with Make-A-Wish (4 year old boy with cancer) and while at Disney the hotel pool lifeguard approached me as I was ready to take a plunge down the waterslide and told me, "God spoke to me that He is holding your family close in His heart." Seriously.


I did take Audrey to the doctor's office (the doctor who saw her happens to be married to an oncologist) and she was not worried. My dear, dear friend Sue (who is an internist) was not worried either. Based on the details I could provide they're both hopeful it's reflux/food related/timing of dinner & bedtime, etc.


On Saturday morning after it happened again with Audrey I pulled in to Target and parked in the spot next to her doctor. The one who delivered her and knows her best. Serendipity? Godsend regardless. She talked me through it some more and told me to STOP OBSESSSING.


The church sermon Sunday was all about turning EVERYTHING over to God as we are not capable of managing and handling and fixing all that is life. I'm trying. Breath by breath.


In the car on the way home from school yesterday I asked Audrey what she calls it when she closes her eyes on the carousel and puts her head back.
"No name, really. It's just something I do when I want to make something extra fun or really relaxing." she replied.


"Sounds to me like an Escape Plan." Olivia commented.


Right on. Works for me.

Someday Has Come

As I have spent my most recent days trying to walk closely with loved ones and place myself in their shoes in an effort to be as helpful and supportive and loving as I can be, I have been constantly drawn back to thoughts of my own daughters. And to thoughts of mothers.

Audrey and I took a tub the other evening after a very long day. My back was sore and my heart ached. She regaled me with stories of recess and writing practice and let out giant belly laughs as she dumped buckets of soapy water over her head. I was in awe of who she is and all that I have. My thoughts immediately went to what the days must be like right now for my dear friend's mom who is reeling from the recent diagnosis of her daughter's breast cancer. She once shared her days with a vibrant, lively five year old, too.

I prayed with my beautiful girls tonite after warming up their herbal packs, lathering cream on their delicate skin, and tucking them under their quilts. I thought of what my mom must be feeling tonite as my brother is slated for major surgery tomorrow complete with a neurosurgeon and the awareness that he has a long six week recovery ahead of him. She spent night after night of his childhood pulling up the bedcovers, singing him songs, and sending him off to sleep with warm hugs and kisses.

One day when I was bustling about concerned over something relating to the girls, Eric referred to me as "Chicken Little". Audrey and Liv overheard the comment and immediately understood what he meant. It's now a nickname they throw out at me if ever I am running about like a worried mother hen fearing something will happen to them. Or if they think I am "over mothering" them.

"Someday you will understand," I tell them. They are the exact words my mother said to me. Someday is Here and she was right...

The Sun is Shining

Frib and Al basking in the rare Seattle winter sunshine

Given how the first 17 days of 2009 have gone the fact that the sun is shining is one of the brightest spots thus far...

I will keep this post brief and consider this my journal entry for the past couple of weeks. I look forward to closing this chapter and for sunny days ahead.

Just sent an email to a girlfriend and thought I could use part of that note to best sum up the recent days.

Been a helluva a week, girl—close friend got the diagnosis of a lifetime. cancer. (mom of a 5 yr. old, engaged to be married in mere weeks, successful biz owner, life was blooming brilliantly). She will "kick it" I know (I think that will be the title of her blog we're working on--stay tuned) and I will be there each step of the way so long as she does not tire of me!

My brother lost his job to the economy (and is going in for nearly 7 hr. ear surgery next week in Boston with a 6 wk. recovery said to be filled with nauseau and dizziness—has a family of 4 back in Maryland).

One of my clients closed their restaurant after nearly 20 yrs (dozens displaced), a girlfriend suffered a miscarriage yesterday and has been simply overjoyed with the prospect of her babe for weeks now, my mom-in-law got in a car axe and can’t meet us in Disney the end of the month afterall- the airline won’t give us our $ back (thank God she will be OK once we get her back feeling better).

I will spare the k PR newspaper quotes this week, the insulting letter from a lawyer based on a client that won't pay, and the vomit fest hosted by my beautiful Audrey that kicked off in our bed at 8 this morning.

I may steal Liv and do some retail therapy for a bit as E plays Mr. Mom with Audrey and watches basketball. That is, IF she stops vomiting. Otherwise, she needs me more than the mall. ;)

So if that's the case I will pull up a slice of the floor and rest in the sun with the dogs.

Got this quote from a friend yesterday--

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

My umbrella is by the door...

Happy Ending

2008 ended on a great note and we rang in 2009 with much fanfare.

Audrey girl is pictured on New Year's Eve playing Papa Bliss' (Eric's dad) trumpet. He would have been 85 on January 1st so we toasted him and all tried our lips at playing some notes in his honor!

We filled the final weeks of the year with a lot of activity and much joy.

Many of the adventures were snow filled

Once back inside we indulged in fresh baked treats to fend off the cold.

I loved this photo of dear Olivia. She looks so grown up to me. When I took this picture I was imagining her many years from now home from college chatting with me and enjoying a croissant together.

We had several game nights---here are some shots below of a round of charades

We tackled some craft projects

and went on several fun outings.

Alice the dog was invited on this one--to lunch no less!

Christmas was truly lovely.

Here are my beautiful girls at our church's Christmas Eve service.

After a night of snacks, cocktails, and friendship shared with the LaMarrs, the girls prepped for Santa's arrival with cookies, milk, carrots
and special requests (Audrey asked Santa to please not go in her room---same drill for the leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day and Charlotte the tooth fairy can only go as far as the bureau...)

It was our first Christmas morning spent as just the four of us since gramma was snowed in at her home in upstate New York.

Christmas day was a peaceful, beautiful, and snowy one...

Olivia scored the iPod she's been requesting for two years now. Eric and Santa exchanged many emails over this gift as Eric sorted out the pros/cons. Apparently Santa was convincing...

Here's Audrey in new garb!Audrey presented me with a book she made for me and Eric--it's all about her and written by her. Darling.New Year's Eve was spent at Chez LaMarr. Oh, what a night!

Bff's celebrating!And Carrie and Darren doing the same!

My mixmaster, E. Gin martini with a splash of scotch. Next time--just ONE!

So here it is 2009 and as I end one year with fabulous memories and much gratitude I look forward to the year ahead with a heart brimming with love and hope.

At bedtime tonite each of the girls sang me beautiful songs they wrote especially for me. Priceless. I then asked them about their favorite memories of 2008 (Audrey's was the day her teacher, Mr. Bill, returned from surgery and Liv's was the day she celebrated her 8th birthday at Libby Lu).

I asked them about what they wanted to experience in 2009. Audrey said she hopes it will be the best year she's ever had in all her five years of life and that she can't wait for some new Disney Channel shows that are coming out soon. Olivia questioned my reason for asking and inquired, "Did you see the stars on Disney's 'Totally New Year' telling what they were looking forward to this year?" Uh, no!

After my "get great legs in '98" vow was never fulfilled I have never made another New Year's resolution but tonite I wonder if that should change. Maybe 2009 should be the year my kids watch much less TV!

Happy New Year and may 2009 be a magical one for you & yours.