Heavy Heart

I have an issue. Thanksgiving is upon us and the day after Thanksgiving we have a family ritual. We had this ritual before we were a family even. It began 11 years ago.

Eric and I always joined our friends for an evening downtown --sipping martinis fireside at the Mayflower Hotel and then greeting the holiday season with a quintessential welcome-- seeing Santa for the first time in nearly a year, watching the holiday tree come to life with all its twinkling lights, singing Christmas carols in the chilly air, and finally basking in the glow of the fireworks overhead.

It was always a hopeful occassion spiced with grand adventures--treks to Irish pubs, sleepovers that grew over the years from 4 adults to a group of 10 with babies, toddlers, and dogs in tow, chats over bowls of winter stew and yummy wine, loads of laughter and timeless memories.

Over the years we've added babies, other families, and cocoa and cookies to the mix.

And then it happened. Two years ago now on that very eve we had a falling out. I will not rehash the details but apologies were made and the forgiveness never came.

Still over the years I have sent several emails, notes, cards and thoughts professing my sorrow, apologies, and genuine sadness. Finally I was told that they would be willing to see me and the girls but not Eric. That would be all well and good if Eric felt the same but since Eric at that time did still want to see them (and apologized several times himself) then clearly you know where my loyalty lies. Reject him, reject me.

Last year on the day after Thanksgiving Eric and Olivia went back to the same hotel. So did they. I was at Children's with Audrey due to a terrible cold and the breathing issues she gets along with it.

They exchanged hellos and apparently it was a pleasant hour or so. There were plenty of others to distract them as well. The kids played beautifully together. The same kids that saw eachother for the first time moments after entering the world. The same kids that celebrated all their first outings together, holidays, sleepovers, even first little kisses! Our Godchildren.

I sent an email after that night and a picture a friend had snapped of all of them. I commented on how happy I was to see them "reunited" for the evening and how sorry I was to miss it. No response.

I am now just more than a month away from facing the day. Frankly, I don't care to do so.

Recently my tech guy switched my company on to a new server and literally every email I have sent since 2005 is in my sent folder. There were a lot of sent items to that family over the years. From friendly reminders of birthday parties, confirmation of our annual Santa Train trip, well wishes for their parent's 50th anniversary, blessings for their father's health, and the apologies and the "I miss you" notes.

"Let's just pick a new spot," I told Eric yesterday. "I still want to do the tree lighting and the fireworks and if we run in to them so be it."

"It's our family tradition to go there and the girls love it. YOU love it, Kate." he pleaded.

I don't want to go. My heart is still broken.

Going Gray

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm” ~unknown

I am a true black and white person. All or Nothing. In or Out. Game as a badger or Not Showing Up.

Passionately LOVE something or great disinterest.
Content or freaking out.
Crank up the music or total silence.
Completely get something or pretty clueless.

Dishes done before bed.
Beds made before I leave the house.
Pressing phone call to return? I'll make it THEN (despite the cranky kids in the backseat or busy highway I am cruising down).

I guess I am more Black than White. Regardless, you get the picture.

Right now is a prime example. Dear Olivia is crooning to Wii Karaoke. She has a sweet voice and is on key for sure but I am trying to blog and I wish she would PIPE DOWN. The voices in my head are going nuts. This is a total silence time, sister! I could hide away in the office, climb in bed with my laptop, or even go sit in the car to escape the concert taking place in the family room a few rooms away. Or I could deal. It is taking A LOT of effort trust me. But I am doing it.

I have wanted to blog F-O-R-E-V-E-R (oh, the guilt!) but life keeps cropping up and my to do list is growing moment by moment. Last night I was gung ho (sp? I am not going to google it either! baby steps...) to make it happen. I have a handful of blog topics in the hopper. But then Audrey's darling toothless grin was in my face and Eric was playing all sorts of great music on iTunes and priority called--it was time for the Kitchen Dance Party. I turned off the computer and shimmied, bobbed, and pranced about the house. Sure, it was a Turn Up The Music moment but because I had not completed my "blog task" it was a lot of effort to join in. But I did it.

By the way-- I am FAILING miserably right now. Audrey has just returned from walking her babies in the rain and she and Olivia are now arguing over Wii Karaoke. I just yelled from the dining room, "I CAN NOT TAKE THIS RIGHT NOW GIRLS!" And I mean yelled. Damn...

Here are some other ways I am trying to enter the gray zone...I just made breakfast, got Audrey suited up for the walk in the rain, helped her load her babes in the carriage, bid her farewell and even snapped a pic. Meantime, the breakfast dishes are piled up, the to do list is overwhelming me but I sat down to blog even with other needs. That is gray for me. Did I mention I still have heat rollers in my hair --from an hour and a half ago?

OK, so in an effort to maintain some semblance of order I am going to dash. Stay tuned on my progress as this is nearly four decades of personality I am trying to "change". Plus Audrey has called for me from atop the stairs wondering if I can swaddle her baby, put on her necklace, and help her find her favorite markers.

The karaoke game ceased after my little explosion and the only sound I can hear quite loudly now is Fribble snoring. Which to be honest is a bit annoying as I ideally want TOTAL silence.

Did I mention I want a third dog? Seriously.

Olivia Bliss, Happy Birthday ~ August 25

Here is a video I made for Bliss on her 9th birthday. It's 22 minutes long so I more than understand if time does not allow for viewing...

http://www.vimeo.com/6351973

If you need a password: Katie

Audrey Elizabeth, Happy Birthday ~ July 13

Glow

I have a new client. I am not sure I have ever been more energized or honored to represent such a client. You see, this one appears like a gift. A precious one that I believe has come to teach me lessons. Big ones. The biggest ones. About loss. And trust. And love. And faith. Deep faith. Genuine faith. Faith that can move mountains. Faith when you need it most.

Let me be honest, my "worry brain" makes me wonder why I am part of this chapter in the story. Is there something lurking around the corner that willl rattle me and mine so God wants me to learn from their story? Maybe. Probably. One day at least. And then I remind myself once again (as I do daily) "it's not all about me" and I will not lean on my own understanding. While I do believe their is a purpose for my life and many, many lessons to learn at each turn I also think sitting about searching for them causes me to miss the scenery along the way. So I am jumping onboard and enjoying this ride no matter where it takes me.

For now I am hoping it lands my client in a seat next to Oprah. Seriously. This is powerful stuff.

How I came to be a part of this wonderful mix of people is pretty cool in it's own right.

Seattle Times sports journalist, Jerry Brewer*, won a coin toss to cover a story of a Seattle area basketball coach on a winning streak. What he wound up covering was a story about a child’s deadly disease, a family’s faith, a community changed, a journalist's salvation, and a miracle. Gloria’s Miracle.

11 year old Gloria Strauss was the coach's daughter. When Jerry met Doug Strauss, Gloria had just been given a few weeks to live. She was battling neuroblastoma, a deadly form of childhood cancer. She'd been fighting it since she was seven.

For the next five months, Jerry covered the story of Gloria and the family of seven children in his series of newspaper columns, “A Prayer for Gloria". Like many Seattleites I was familiar with her story.

Meantime, Gloria's family's van was broken in to and the video tapes documenting Gloria and her family's lives were stolen (the mother had loaded the videos in the car to bring them to a friend who was compiling a DVD for them). KING 5 TV got a hold of the story and my Eric interviewed the family. Including Gloria. Gloria~who looked like a child actor. Blond, bright eyed (big, blue ones full of life), with soft hair and an easy bright smile. She sparkled. Her voice sounded so sweet. She spoke well beyond her years as she pleaded for whomever stole the family's tapes to return them. Eric told the girls and me about Gloria that night at dinner. He came to speak of her often. He said she had something "other worldly" about her. Angelic even. (Trust me, Eric does not normally speak in such a manner and with all the news and tragedies he covers day in and day out he does not speak often of one particular person or story.) It was different with Gloria.

A month or so later Gloria died. The community was shaken. The world lost some of it's light. But the family believes the miracle of her life and legacy will continue to inspire all who hear of her.

Back in May, more than a year and a half after she passed Eric covered a story with her parents. They'd created Gloria's Angels (http://www.gloriasangels.com/), a non-profit organization designed to lift burdens and build communities so people can focus on caring for a family member with a life-threatening condition. Doug gave Eric a mass card of Gloria that day. It remains on his desk and he told me just last week he looks at it often. He says it calms and comforts him to do so.

After covering the Gloria's Angels story Eric said to me that night across the kitchen island, "You'd love to help represent the cause, Kate. You'd be such a good fit. It's everything you believe in."

The busyness of life resumed.

Surfing Facebook one day recently, Jerry's new wife, Karen, (whom I know and respect professionally as she was one of my key press contacts at The Seattle Times and I have thankfully gotten to know her personally due to Facebook, email exchanges and her generous client referrals) posted a video of Gloria. The video showed that Jerry was releasing a book about her.

Through tears I commented on her status update and wished them well. Then I got an email. Karen explained one of the missing links for the book project was they had not settled on a publicist.

After a two hour lively meeting at Starbucks with Jerry, the publisher, Mike, and Doug Strauss--k PR was on the team.

Armed with a draft of the book and a beaming heart, I was off. I read the book in a matter of hours. I sobbed. I admired. I was inspired.

One of Gloria's nicknames was Glow. It suited her beautifully. The book details a visit from a South American celebrity and very Godly woman who met Gloria's parents and within moments told them she saw glitter around them. She explained this was a sign of holiness.

Glitter has become synonymous with those that know Gloria. Children spot glitter and sparkles on their school books, parents find it in their living rooms, teachers see it on office walls--all believing these are greetings and signs from Gloria.

Finishing the book in the crowded tub last night with Olivia and Audrey around me, Liv said to Audrey, "You can meet Gloria, ya' know?"

"How? Papa said she is in Heaven." Audrey replied.

"Not right now--when you get to Heaven. She'd like us, I know." said Liv and then she promptly dunked her head under water continuing her attempt to break her under water breath holding record.

I completed the book, we brushed teeth and I sat down to fold laundry in the play room as the kids chose their books for bedtime.

I plopped down in a pile of pink and white heart sparkles. Seriously. Yes, we have sparkly powder, sparkly perfume, sparkly nail polish, and when Charlotte and Tabitha (the girl’s tooth fairies) visit they sprinkle sparkles over them as they slumber so all those sparkles could be attributed to those many things for sure.

Audrey approached with her book selection--"I'd Be Your Princess"~ a royal tale of Godly character. It's a story of a little girl imagining life as a princess and she is telling her father how their lives would play out together.

Audrey read from this page~
"We would wear matching crowns with shiny jewels and long red capes that touch the ground."

"Yes," said her father, "and you would smile and wave to all the people in our kingdom. And the people would smile and wave back because you are so very beautiful."

And then there is a bible verse at the end of the page~ Audrey read it aloud.
Let your beauty be that of your inner self. I Peter 3:4

"This is just like Gloria, don't you think?" Audrey asked.

Yes, I do. And as for those sparkles scattered around me? I think that was Glow, too.

Jerry's book will be available at www.GloriasMiracle.com shortly as well as at local booksellers starting September 8th. It is available for pre-order now on Amazon.com.

*Jerry is donating more than half of his royalties from this book to Gloria's family to use for the foundation or for their growing family.