Going Gray

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm” ~unknown

I am a true black and white person. All or Nothing. In or Out. Game as a badger or Not Showing Up.

Passionately LOVE something or great disinterest.
Content or freaking out.
Crank up the music or total silence.
Completely get something or pretty clueless.

Dishes done before bed.
Beds made before I leave the house.
Pressing phone call to return? I'll make it THEN (despite the cranky kids in the backseat or busy highway I am cruising down).

I guess I am more Black than White. Regardless, you get the picture.

Right now is a prime example. Dear Olivia is crooning to Wii Karaoke. She has a sweet voice and is on key for sure but I am trying to blog and I wish she would PIPE DOWN. The voices in my head are going nuts. This is a total silence time, sister! I could hide away in the office, climb in bed with my laptop, or even go sit in the car to escape the concert taking place in the family room a few rooms away. Or I could deal. It is taking A LOT of effort trust me. But I am doing it.

I have wanted to blog F-O-R-E-V-E-R (oh, the guilt!) but life keeps cropping up and my to do list is growing moment by moment. Last night I was gung ho (sp? I am not going to google it either! baby steps...) to make it happen. I have a handful of blog topics in the hopper. But then Audrey's darling toothless grin was in my face and Eric was playing all sorts of great music on iTunes and priority called--it was time for the Kitchen Dance Party. I turned off the computer and shimmied, bobbed, and pranced about the house. Sure, it was a Turn Up The Music moment but because I had not completed my "blog task" it was a lot of effort to join in. But I did it.

By the way-- I am FAILING miserably right now. Audrey has just returned from walking her babies in the rain and she and Olivia are now arguing over Wii Karaoke. I just yelled from the dining room, "I CAN NOT TAKE THIS RIGHT NOW GIRLS!" And I mean yelled. Damn...

Here are some other ways I am trying to enter the gray zone...I just made breakfast, got Audrey suited up for the walk in the rain, helped her load her babes in the carriage, bid her farewell and even snapped a pic. Meantime, the breakfast dishes are piled up, the to do list is overwhelming me but I sat down to blog even with other needs. That is gray for me. Did I mention I still have heat rollers in my hair --from an hour and a half ago?

OK, so in an effort to maintain some semblance of order I am going to dash. Stay tuned on my progress as this is nearly four decades of personality I am trying to "change". Plus Audrey has called for me from atop the stairs wondering if I can swaddle her baby, put on her necklace, and help her find her favorite markers.

The karaoke game ceased after my little explosion and the only sound I can hear quite loudly now is Fribble snoring. Which to be honest is a bit annoying as I ideally want TOTAL silence.

Did I mention I want a third dog? Seriously.

Vote for Peace

In an effort to witness what I hope will be a monumental event in American history I brought Olivia & Audrey to the polls with me.

Naturally I captured the experience with my camera. Just as the poll worker went to snap the picture Olivia said, "Show the 'PEACE sign' Audrey. Mama just cast a vote for peace!"

Letting Go

I let Audrey ride TWO cheesy department store rides today.

I hung out at the park with the kids. For two days.

I read a magazine there--guilt free, drank pink lemonade, ignored my folder full of paperwork, and chatted with the kids.

I pushed Audrey on her bike loads of times. The past two days.

And I was not antsy. Or pissy. Or guilt ridden. About work. About the things that needed to get done. And most of all-- I actually did not want to be anywhere else. More than that- I wasn't even thinking about being anywhere else. I was not trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do and the right place to be. And I loved it. All. I really experienced the kids. And life. And the moment.

For those of you that thoroughly enjoy children & life each day and for those of you that have not known me the past 10 + years this may seem like a no brainer to you. Or, more than that--this may appear simply what parents are supposed to do and all the things they are supposed to enjoy doing. Believe me, I have read all the parenting books, studied all the "right" ways to raise children, laid in bed countless nights guilt ridden with all my mistakes, been up late praying for what seems like years now, I've poured my heart out to counselors, spent far too many girls nights AND date nights discussing how hard I try to DO these things AND enjoy them at the same time BUT I can't begin to tell you how much I fail. And how doing them does not come easy for me in the way I had always dreamed. I have lived through panic disorder, obsessing about dying of cancer, regret for being the world's worst mom, and so much more. I spent a cruise to Alaska devastated that my kids did not have a "present" mom. A romantic over the top trip to Mexico (a week at the Four Seasons!) was ruined as I diagnosed myself with breast cancer. The family reunion visits to Hilton Head Island are never without feelings of real doom and despair over my thighs in a swimsuit---and after age 35--my stomach as well. An escape with Eric to Rosario Resort was spent paralyzed with fear that I had ovarian cancer. I know how ridiculous it must sound as I regale all the fabulous trips and opportunities I have in my life. I am very sincere when I say I am blessed. I assure you I do not take any of it for granted. And while I have always been a very happy person, I have also had deep fears. And worries. And doubts. And so much guilt for it all. I have faith in God which clearly conflicts with my obsessive, negative thoughts about illness, death, loss, and what I believe is at the root of it all- CONTROL and letting go.

So here I am. Changing. I can't pinpoint when it started but for me life is changing. Or at the least--life the way I view it is changing. I have attempted to "turn it over" to God numerous times and simply surrender to life. And I can honestly say I can feel it's happening. If you saw my post about riding roller coasters in Disneyland let me tell you- that whole trip was a break through. A guilt free journey~ free of health worries and weight issues AND the trip was complete with roller coaster rides! For me, that was unheard of.

Tonite as I stood feasting over the ice cream carton and loaded up an ice cream scoop with chocolate chip ice cream, whipped cream and sprinkles Eric commented, "There are limits, Kate. Wow, I need a picture of this." Limits. Believe me, I know limits I told him. I have been bound by them for far too long. "Go for it," I said. "No, wait!" And then I reached for a bright pink peanut M & M and plopped it onto the whipped cream top!

Because I am living. And I am loving it. And I can't believe this is me.


And I hope the sun shines again tomorrow because hanging at the park, drinking lemonade, and chatting with little people I have come to find can actually rock.