Escape Plan

Life has been one wild ride as of late. The trip to Disneyland was magical. 80 degrees and sun filled skies. Happy & adventurous children. Lots of laughter. Loads of fun. Tasty treats. I relished it all. On our last night at Disneyland (after a fabulous dinner shared with two of my cool, smart 20 something cousins, Rhea and Sienna and fabulous Aunt Cyn) we went back into the park.


We rode ride after ride. As we would ascend the hill on the Thunder Mountain railroad roller coaster I would close my eyes and truly escape preparing for the giant dip.


Audrey taught me how to do it earlier in the day on the King Triton Carousel. "Mama, close your eyes. Put your head back and be free."


I could not recall the last time I was so happy. And free.


Last Monday night we returned home. Back to normalcy--school, work, organizing the kids classroom Valentine's Day party, sending out thank you cards, Valentine greetings and birthday gifts, proposals for new clients and projects for current ones, rushing to piano pick-up and gymnastics drop-off, afternoon client TV and radio gigs, coordinating babysitters and car rides for the girls, grocery runs--the usual busy-ness of life. Thrown in was the fact that Fribble stopped walking (literally), Audrey was accepted into the district's highly capable program which is a blessing but leaves us with many questions as to send her or not (and if not--where should she go to school?).


But most of all in the midst of it all little Audrey woke up several mornings vomiting. 4 times to be exact since mid-January. Not just a little spit up but major vomiting. Repeatedly. Until her belly is completely empty.


And then she would be fine.


Stumped, I googled it. Childhood brain tumors are apparently key symptoms to early morning vomiting. I panicked. Full fledge-back to living in fear-lost it.


Admittedly, I may have been too close to the flame which is why my mind went wild.


Truth be told--I have been reeling from my close friend Sheila's breast cancer diagnosis (and subsequent masectomy last Monday), I spent a decent length of time poolside with a family who was in Disney with Make-A-Wish (4 year old boy with cancer) and while at Disney the hotel pool lifeguard approached me as I was ready to take a plunge down the waterslide and told me, "God spoke to me that He is holding your family close in His heart." Seriously.


I did take Audrey to the doctor's office (the doctor who saw her happens to be married to an oncologist) and she was not worried. My dear, dear friend Sue (who is an internist) was not worried either. Based on the details I could provide they're both hopeful it's reflux/food related/timing of dinner & bedtime, etc.


On Saturday morning after it happened again with Audrey I pulled in to Target and parked in the spot next to her doctor. The one who delivered her and knows her best. Serendipity? Godsend regardless. She talked me through it some more and told me to STOP OBSESSSING.


The church sermon Sunday was all about turning EVERYTHING over to God as we are not capable of managing and handling and fixing all that is life. I'm trying. Breath by breath.


In the car on the way home from school yesterday I asked Audrey what she calls it when she closes her eyes on the carousel and puts her head back.
"No name, really. It's just something I do when I want to make something extra fun or really relaxing." she replied.


"Sounds to me like an Escape Plan." Olivia commented.


Right on. Works for me.

Letting Go

I let Audrey ride TWO cheesy department store rides today.

I hung out at the park with the kids. For two days.

I read a magazine there--guilt free, drank pink lemonade, ignored my folder full of paperwork, and chatted with the kids.

I pushed Audrey on her bike loads of times. The past two days.

And I was not antsy. Or pissy. Or guilt ridden. About work. About the things that needed to get done. And most of all-- I actually did not want to be anywhere else. More than that- I wasn't even thinking about being anywhere else. I was not trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do and the right place to be. And I loved it. All. I really experienced the kids. And life. And the moment.

For those of you that thoroughly enjoy children & life each day and for those of you that have not known me the past 10 + years this may seem like a no brainer to you. Or, more than that--this may appear simply what parents are supposed to do and all the things they are supposed to enjoy doing. Believe me, I have read all the parenting books, studied all the "right" ways to raise children, laid in bed countless nights guilt ridden with all my mistakes, been up late praying for what seems like years now, I've poured my heart out to counselors, spent far too many girls nights AND date nights discussing how hard I try to DO these things AND enjoy them at the same time BUT I can't begin to tell you how much I fail. And how doing them does not come easy for me in the way I had always dreamed. I have lived through panic disorder, obsessing about dying of cancer, regret for being the world's worst mom, and so much more. I spent a cruise to Alaska devastated that my kids did not have a "present" mom. A romantic over the top trip to Mexico (a week at the Four Seasons!) was ruined as I diagnosed myself with breast cancer. The family reunion visits to Hilton Head Island are never without feelings of real doom and despair over my thighs in a swimsuit---and after age 35--my stomach as well. An escape with Eric to Rosario Resort was spent paralyzed with fear that I had ovarian cancer. I know how ridiculous it must sound as I regale all the fabulous trips and opportunities I have in my life. I am very sincere when I say I am blessed. I assure you I do not take any of it for granted. And while I have always been a very happy person, I have also had deep fears. And worries. And doubts. And so much guilt for it all. I have faith in God which clearly conflicts with my obsessive, negative thoughts about illness, death, loss, and what I believe is at the root of it all- CONTROL and letting go.

So here I am. Changing. I can't pinpoint when it started but for me life is changing. Or at the least--life the way I view it is changing. I have attempted to "turn it over" to God numerous times and simply surrender to life. And I can honestly say I can feel it's happening. If you saw my post about riding roller coasters in Disneyland let me tell you- that whole trip was a break through. A guilt free journey~ free of health worries and weight issues AND the trip was complete with roller coaster rides! For me, that was unheard of.

Tonite as I stood feasting over the ice cream carton and loaded up an ice cream scoop with chocolate chip ice cream, whipped cream and sprinkles Eric commented, "There are limits, Kate. Wow, I need a picture of this." Limits. Believe me, I know limits I told him. I have been bound by them for far too long. "Go for it," I said. "No, wait!" And then I reached for a bright pink peanut M & M and plopped it onto the whipped cream top!

Because I am living. And I am loving it. And I can't believe this is me.


And I hope the sun shines again tomorrow because hanging at the park, drinking lemonade, and chatting with little people I have come to find can actually rock.