Unstable

Started this blog post more than a week ago and could not get it finished. Have a million things to do and can't get them all done. No clue what is holding me up, bogging me down, leaving me uninsipred. I am finally going to try to focus and at least complete a blog post. No real sense of direction with it right now but I am hopeful I will feel better when I've finished it. I think this will be a rant and a to do list of sorts so stop now if you're all ready bored OR if this crazy life reminds you too much of your own as you clearly don't need the reminder. Just know when it comes to this wild ride of life---I can relate!

Here goes~

April 12, 2009
I booked an impromptu mental health weekend for the family on a whim---it was in the middle of a very rainy spring break where my darling divas were going stir crazy, mom-in-law was in town and spent much of the visit sleeping late into the afternoon, watching me do Wii Fit (or anything else for that matter) and not bonding with my children. I was also working as was Eric. This weekend we took the much anticipated two day journey to Alderbrook Resort. The goal: reconnect and relax.


Reality

We were stuck in Britney Spears concert traffic and arrived several hours later than anticipated. We still managed to hit the indoor pool before it closed, enjoy a yummy microbrew, and walk around the grounds a bit.

So that's as far as I got with my post and here were some of the "notes" I typed to myself before I shut my computer down that evening.

skinny stay at home moms--work out? stress free

liv dialogue -cookie, skittles, bonk eric head, jump up and down, standing on her head (always, everywhere)


clients--SNL, Tyra Banks, introduction to Alicia Keyes


fly me to the moon-song on our first date, mix tapes, prince

Not sure any of it matters now or where I was even going with it. But I guess I'll try to make some sense of it.

The stay at home mom line was about the following--I wondered if I was a stay at home mom (not the kind who still has little ones at home to chase around and tend to but the kind who has older ones that they can send off to school and then have 6 hours to kill)--would I go to the gym and then would I finally be skinny? Would I be stress free if tending to my home, meals, spouse and kids needs were the primary focus as opposed to now---doing all those things plus having a business, TOO?

Liv's dialogue--as crazy as my brain is with its nonstop buzzing and seeking answers to inane questions it's not alone--Liv's brain is my brain's best friend. She is a whirlwind. If she is not telling me something about a Disney star, or a character in one of her books, or a class mate (and I believe much of what she is telling me is fabricated) than she is dancing, tumbling, bouncing, seeking sugar in the form of a cookie, candy, or ice cream or standing on her head. I had many tales to spin on the subject of lively Liv but we'll leave it at this for now...

Clients--they're a handful. In an effort not to speak out of school or appear ungrateful (or disrespectful) I will just state this--I have a client who thinks he should be on Oprah, Tyra Banks, and Saturday Night Live for starters. And he'd like to appear on those shows with Alicia Keyes. Naturally. He also thinks President Obama, Magic Johnson, Bill Cosby, and Connie Chung need to know about him. Oh, and Angelina Jolie. Seriously. That's just one of k PR's clients--there are ten others and a handful of prospects who keep me on my toes with similar "desires"...

Fly me to the moon--on the day that I sat down to blog there was a late afternoon sunburst and so I grabbed my iPod and Frib the dog and headed out for a much needed escape/walk. Fly Me to The Moon was the first song that came on my iPod. It was the song that was sang to Eric and me on our first date, played by the Michigan State marching band at my wedding proposal, and the song we performed a choreographed dance to on our wedding day. That song was followed by dozens of others lovingly selected just for me from dear Eric. It was a magical walk.

So--here I sit feeling better already as I am accomplishing something--a blog post.

Yesterday I really began to wipe some things from my to do list actually (did all this with kids in tow and about 4 hours--truth be told, they can really SHINE these girls 'o mine!)--I had to go to my former dentist after meeting with my new dentist (former dentist stopped carrying our insurance) anyway--the new dentist came up with all sorts of things I "had" to have done on my "treatment plan". I never need to have anything done at the dentist so I left feeling deflated and overwhelmed. I know, get a grip. I'm telling you--something has been up with me as of late. Anyway, I took my treatment plan to the old dentist guy who did all sorts of checks and even took an Xray and told me I was FINE and did not need to have a thing done. He saved me hundreds of dollars, stress, and dental work. Phew. But--what's up with the new dentist? not pleased.

Meantime I had about 8 items of business I needed to review with our health insurance company--I dread calling them so I tend to let the "needs" pile up. Come to find out--two of the bils were co-pay charges that already were paid at the time of visit so those were disregarded, another bill was actually a double billing from Eric's podiatrist so the insurance company is now fighting it out with them, we had a credit for $3.96 on another...all in all I wound up not owing a thing and since I made the call I saved at least $300. sweet.

My sunroof won't go back all the way all of a sudden and the rear brake light is out AGAIN--dear service man at Magic Toyota repaired the bulb in minutes and I was on my way. Made the appt. for the sunroof. check.

As he repaired the sunroof I had a heart to heart about Olivia's gymnastics and "team" outlook with her coach. Is this child really ready for 9 hours of training a week? AM I?

Hit the supplement store and grilled another employee about my cocktail of supplements and wondered if there is anything I am missing. Did find a daily holistic migraine pill that I have started popping...

Picked out a new front door--dutch door, great "Baldwin Couture" knob/bolt/latch along with a new French door with red paint for my office and talked to the contractor about working on our deck. Submitted paperwork to the neighborhood "Architectural Association" and am getting push back. Did I mention I am the President of the Homeowners Association? Give me a break.

Got on the phone with Delta Airlines (been working on them since Dec. when my mom-in-law couldn't get here for the holidays due to the weather). After 4 months of rescheduling her trip (only to have to cancel again), purchasing her a new ticket and having her come for her bday, I finally got word yesterday that they are refunding our money. Yes, I am a dog with a bone. I love when it works out.

As I sat on the phone I did order a darling puzzle from Photoshop for my mom for Mother's Day (it's a puzzle made out of a picture of the girls--too cute).

In the middle of all the bustle the past week I had a migraine (no kidding) and was sidelined for a day, panicked that I was dying of several things, was way too uptight with my kids, made Eric desire to be at WORK rather than HOME (yes, he vocalized this--don't blame him a bit) and had little patience with one of my dear brothers when I asked them to send me 15 things about why they loved our mom since I am doing a mother's day book for her reflecting her 46 years of mamahood.

But, today is a new day and I am making strides for sure...

Need to book two hotel rooms, rent a car, send a client a bday gift, send friends in Ohio an engagement gift, and get a gift for a new bride/groom, sign the girls up for swim lessons, mail the mom's day gift, count my blessings, breathe, and exercise. Right.

The sun is out and Eric asked me out on a date this weekend just because (it made me melt). I think I might grab Frib, my iPod, and pop on one of my mixes from my prince which always feeds my soul. But first, I must feed the girls, check Olivia's math homework and get her off to gymnastics---

Lastly, I asked Eric to describe himself in one word yesterday. Sleepy.
I then asked him to describe me. Anxious. I would have said "unstable". I'll take anxious, though, as it sounds much better. One day I'd love the answer to be "peaceful".

The Byrds (the Bees) and The Mamas & The Papas

The Byrds

The talented band at my church played The Byrds "Turn, Turn, Turn" yesterday. It was a great reminder to me so I thought I'd share the link from The Byrds performing the song here as well as the lyrics for what it's worth. I hope you do steal a moment to listen to it as I believe it's a timeless message to absorb.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNopQq5lWqQ

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time to love, a time to hate

A time for peace, I swear its not too late

The Mamas and The Papas

I spend a lot of time in church crying. And I go alone. I am sure the people around me think I am a wreck. The tears are not sad ones ever. I am so genuinely moved and tuned in during that 90 minutes each Sunday. Not only do I think my pastor is very bright, insightful, and as genuine as they come, I love the music (really--they are clearly somewhat "hip" to play The Byrds during Sunday service), and experiencing the connections of people around me is so lovely. Seeing moms and daughters with their heads resting on each other's shoulders. All ages, too. Teens and their moms. Mothers in their 60' and and daughters in their 40's. Dads and their kids holding hands and dads with their arms slung over the back of their son's chairs. Beautiful.

Blessed

One of my favorite church songs is Blessed Be Your Name.

These lyrics permeated my soul yesterday- it's easy for me to be grateful in the good times. I need to remember to trust and roll with the flow of life in the dark times, too.

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Finally, The Bees

Total tangent here---my 8 year old, Olivia, is really blossoming. Not just socially but physically (already). I've had to guide her through some of the physical feelings she is experiencing lately as her body grows, walk her down the deodorant aisle as she needs it now that she works out several hours a week at gymnastics sessions (I am so glad there are "safer" deodorants available nowadays for these developing bodies), and watch her as she so gently and skillfully took care of me the other afternoon. (I was sidelined with a migraine and had to take to my bed--she took care of Audrey, the dogs, and herself. Beautifully.)

Here is my special girl reading to our three year old class at Sunday School.

Here is a shot below of her little sis, Audrey, posing at the store the other day.

"Take a picture, mama. This will be for my album cover called, Faith of an Angel". ha! She posed a couple of times as you can see...

I hope to experience their heads on my shoulder and their hands in mine all the days of our lives.

Playdates Suck

There, I said it. I know how inappropriate it is and I know that I am clearly not radiating sunshine when I make such a proclamation but I said it. And now I hope I can let it go. Well, let me first rant and then I will let it go. Dear reader, you can stop now if I cause offense but otherwise you're on your own because I need to get.this. out.

Most of the time it is NOT the other kids so let me state that upfront so as not to offend ANY of you. Truly, no harm intended.

Today it's MY kid. Audrey to be exact. Didn't want to share her bike helmet with her friend and in turn threw a fit when I declared how that is not kind or appropriate. Just told me off, stuck her tongue out and SCREAMED at me throughout the neighborhood. Total meltdown and no reasoning was working. At least twenty minutes of pure freak out following me through the neighborhood as her friend and I attempted to ignore her---walking the dogs, riding the scooter, greeting the neighbors. ugh.

I am still "healing" from a debilitating migraine yesterday afternoon that left me without proper speech and vision and naturally sidelined me for a handful of hours. Thankfully I mended quickly but the day after my episodes I tend to be left weak with a dull ache where the migraine eventually settled.

Back to playdates---I have learned (very slowly and after many, many mistakes) not to host them when I really need to get something done. Today I was simply going to balance our personal and my business check books. Could I afford to take the time away from clients to do it? No. Did I feel obligated to? Yes. Each afternoon at school pick-up one of the six darling girls in Audrey's class asks, "When can we have a playdate?" After six months of daily requests I finally caved in. Most of them stay at school until the evening hours as their moms work longer days. I see how brilliant that appears now...

So my deal with playdates-- I don't like being the clown at the circus. I think creating the cute lunches with all the bells and whistles (balanced meals of course to please mamas and kids) along with carting out the crayons, markers, paints, leggos, dress up dolls, cd player, toy pianos, books, and more should suffice. Nope--they want MORE dress-up clothes (and help putting them on) and they want something more to EAT. Constantly. How can a 40 pound kid be so damn hungry? All the time? Now, honestly, the eaters and the "needy" players are not my kids. At least HERE at home. I assume at your house my kids are as demanding as the next ones. (if you tell them "no" and then ask them if their mama would allow it --if they're being honest-- they will tell you unequivocaly NO). I heard Audrey today tell her friend in fact--"No, we can't get that out. We'll need my mom to help with it the whole time and she is busy." Phew--she is trained. somewhat. Truth be told I used to feel really guilty when my kids would say that--not any more I don't!

Back to playdate drama--
A recent "friend" of Liv's spent the afternoon snacking on at least 10-12 items and then was seen walking about the house in.my.slippers. I recall myself meek in the presence of my childhood friend's parents and certainly wouldn't be caught dead wearing their articles of clothing!

quick aside--
Honest to God--this little one visiting us now just approached me again and said ---"I'm still hungry." I am not kidding it's at least the 7th time she's said it. Help me out here--I fed her applesauce, an apple, almonds, TWO gogurts, carrots, banana, PB & J, veggie booty, water, and even sugared her up with Nerd candies she pulled out of the Halloween candy bin...come on--it's been 2 1/2 hours! I, by the way, have yet to eat my lunch and it's 3 p.m.

OK, must go get Liv from school and settle Audrey. Yes, the tantrum has been going on as I typed. The other child? Plunked in front of the TV? Guilt ridden--not a bit.

As for my check book balancing status? Not nearly done. Perhaps I can finish it up this evening as Audrey is drafting her apology letter to her playmate.

One final thing---I guess I should clarify my statement--I LOVE playdates --when I am not in charge or at least when the duty is shared. And there is beer. or at least a lot of yummy food. FOR THE PARENTS

Be Still My Heart

For starters listening to Eric play his guitar tonite made my heart flutter. Not to mention the music mix he made me titled, "more than you know"...bless him. He just returned from getting us a movie and as I came down from tucking the girls in I spotted candy bars WITH NUTS for me. He's my perfect Valentine.

At bedtime Audrey prayed a prayer of thanks to God for trees, oxygen, people, voices--"Yes, God, our voices," she prayed---"voices that we can use to speak kind things to others and to most of all speak 'peace'. May people--all people know how loved they are and to stand up for themselves and may we stand up for others when they cannot." beautiful insight.

Next door Liv was anxiously waiting to read to me from Inkheart. With inflection and poise she read and my heart swelled. She is such a gift and growing up so much (and so well as she ages). What a beauty she is. Below is a picture of her in a classroom play this week. Seeing her so happy and secure is a true blessing.

It's been a lovely Valentine's Day weekend with these magical people --my loves.

Escape Plan

Life has been one wild ride as of late. The trip to Disneyland was magical. 80 degrees and sun filled skies. Happy & adventurous children. Lots of laughter. Loads of fun. Tasty treats. I relished it all. On our last night at Disneyland (after a fabulous dinner shared with two of my cool, smart 20 something cousins, Rhea and Sienna and fabulous Aunt Cyn) we went back into the park.


We rode ride after ride. As we would ascend the hill on the Thunder Mountain railroad roller coaster I would close my eyes and truly escape preparing for the giant dip.


Audrey taught me how to do it earlier in the day on the King Triton Carousel. "Mama, close your eyes. Put your head back and be free."


I could not recall the last time I was so happy. And free.


Last Monday night we returned home. Back to normalcy--school, work, organizing the kids classroom Valentine's Day party, sending out thank you cards, Valentine greetings and birthday gifts, proposals for new clients and projects for current ones, rushing to piano pick-up and gymnastics drop-off, afternoon client TV and radio gigs, coordinating babysitters and car rides for the girls, grocery runs--the usual busy-ness of life. Thrown in was the fact that Fribble stopped walking (literally), Audrey was accepted into the district's highly capable program which is a blessing but leaves us with many questions as to send her or not (and if not--where should she go to school?).


But most of all in the midst of it all little Audrey woke up several mornings vomiting. 4 times to be exact since mid-January. Not just a little spit up but major vomiting. Repeatedly. Until her belly is completely empty.


And then she would be fine.


Stumped, I googled it. Childhood brain tumors are apparently key symptoms to early morning vomiting. I panicked. Full fledge-back to living in fear-lost it.


Admittedly, I may have been too close to the flame which is why my mind went wild.


Truth be told--I have been reeling from my close friend Sheila's breast cancer diagnosis (and subsequent masectomy last Monday), I spent a decent length of time poolside with a family who was in Disney with Make-A-Wish (4 year old boy with cancer) and while at Disney the hotel pool lifeguard approached me as I was ready to take a plunge down the waterslide and told me, "God spoke to me that He is holding your family close in His heart." Seriously.


I did take Audrey to the doctor's office (the doctor who saw her happens to be married to an oncologist) and she was not worried. My dear, dear friend Sue (who is an internist) was not worried either. Based on the details I could provide they're both hopeful it's reflux/food related/timing of dinner & bedtime, etc.


On Saturday morning after it happened again with Audrey I pulled in to Target and parked in the spot next to her doctor. The one who delivered her and knows her best. Serendipity? Godsend regardless. She talked me through it some more and told me to STOP OBSESSSING.


The church sermon Sunday was all about turning EVERYTHING over to God as we are not capable of managing and handling and fixing all that is life. I'm trying. Breath by breath.


In the car on the way home from school yesterday I asked Audrey what she calls it when she closes her eyes on the carousel and puts her head back.
"No name, really. It's just something I do when I want to make something extra fun or really relaxing." she replied.


"Sounds to me like an Escape Plan." Olivia commented.


Right on. Works for me.