I have an issue. Thanksgiving is upon us and the day after Thanksgiving we have a family ritual. We had this ritual before we were a family even. It began 11 years ago.
Eric and I always joined our friends for an evening downtown --sipping martinis fireside at the Mayflower Hotel and then greeting the holiday season with a quintessential welcome-- seeing Santa for the first time in nearly a year, watching the holiday tree come to life with all its twinkling lights, singing Christmas carols in the chilly air, and finally basking in the glow of the fireworks overhead.
It was always a hopeful occassion spiced with grand adventures--treks to Irish pubs, sleepovers that grew over the years from 4 adults to a group of 10 with babies, toddlers, and dogs in tow, chats over bowls of winter stew and yummy wine, loads of laughter and timeless memories.
Over the years we've added babies, other families, and cocoa and cookies to the mix.
And then it happened. Two years ago now on that very eve we had a falling out. I will not rehash the details but apologies were made and the forgiveness never came.
Still over the years I have sent several emails, notes, cards and thoughts professing my sorrow, apologies, and genuine sadness. Finally I was told that they would be willing to see me and the girls but not Eric. That would be all well and good if Eric felt the same but since Eric at that time did still want to see them (and apologized several times himself) then clearly you know where my loyalty lies. Reject him, reject me.
Last year on the day after Thanksgiving Eric and Olivia went back to the same hotel. So did they. I was at Children's with Audrey due to a terrible cold and the breathing issues she gets along with it.
They exchanged hellos and apparently it was a pleasant hour or so. There were plenty of others to distract them as well. The kids played beautifully together. The same kids that saw eachother for the first time moments after entering the world. The same kids that celebrated all their first outings together, holidays, sleepovers, even first little kisses! Our Godchildren.
I sent an email after that night and a picture a friend had snapped of all of them. I commented on how happy I was to see them "reunited" for the evening and how sorry I was to miss it. No response.
I am now just more than a month away from facing the day. Frankly, I don't care to do so.
Recently my tech guy switched my company on to a new server and literally every email I have sent since 2005 is in my sent folder. There were a lot of sent items to that family over the years. From friendly reminders of birthday parties, confirmation of our annual Santa Train trip, well wishes for their parent's 50th anniversary, blessings for their father's health, and the apologies and the "I miss you" notes.
"Let's just pick a new spot," I told Eric yesterday. "I still want to do the tree lighting and the fireworks and if we run in to them so be it."
"It's our family tradition to go there and the girls love it. YOU love it, Kate." he pleaded.
I don't want to go. My heart is still broken.
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2 comments:
I'm so sorry for you, but more sorry that it continues to impact your life so. It robs the good memories you did have of those times and that's the real tragedy here.
I still miss my friend in England and on good day I'm convinced I'm over her but we know better....
Revisionist history sees me remember all those happy memories of events and the laughter I shared with her for the almost 30 years we were good friends, while cleverly overlooking her part in it!
But those friends are part of your memories Katie and your Mayflower Hotel TGiving ritual is very much part of your sweet family memories and should continue to be so.
I think you should go this year (colds and snuffles notwithstanding!) and if you see those old friends remember the good times you shared with them and, by chance, they might just remember them too.
Hugs
I can feel your deep hurt still and it hurts my heart that you are still unresolved with this event and the impact it's had for you. There are lots of choices - you can go and see them, but you know it will never be the same. It could go well and rekindle old friendships, but it will be with new eyes and a different perspective. It could go well and still never go back to any relationship outside of that day, which may be just fine. Or you could find new traditions and find a new spot, as Eric mentioned - which could open doors to new adventures that will fill your memory boxes as your life journey goes on. Or you could stay home,either inviting friends over and making a new tradition or staying cocooned and reminiscing about what isn't anymore, re-living the painful moment and the aftermath and that would be a shame. Mostly because that's not who you are, deep down. You are joyful for the season, excited to anticipate the sheer madness of the month ahead and a fitting kick off to that would be in order.
We also go downtown normally and sometimes there's disappointment (last year it was CRAZY with people and too windy for fireworks, but we went with the flow anyway) but it hardly registers after seeing Santa, the tree lighting, hearing the music, looking at the decorations in the stores and that yummy hot chocolate to warm hands and heart.
So I hope you choose what makes your heart sing and not what makes your heart heavy.
In the meantime, enjoy HALLOWEEN!!!
Much love,
R
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