SOS

I am not sure I will survive Middle School. I cannot believe how pissed I get most evenings. I think it's because I feel so hopeless. It is a horrific emotion for me. After my upset I am then riddled with guilt as I know Liv goes to bed feeling bad about herself. It is a twisted awful dance.

There are loads of factors--a kid that is simply not uptight nor is she always at the ready to please. Trust me, THANK GOD she is not a Type A people pleaser, yet when you yourself are wired to want to always be on top of things and deliver than it is a very very tough spot to be in when your firstborn just ain't on the same page.

She knows half of the instructions most of the time so I check the Website (three different spots, review the planner, and try to jog her memory). She is a visual learner and in school there is so much talking. Or noise ---if you're Liv's brain.

But, it appears that she is:
A) Not alone. ALL of her friends parents report the same scenario. But if you know me well, dear reader, you know I am not a misery loves company type of  gal. I never have been. While I like to know people understand me and hear me I do not like to know they too are drowning.
B) Not always at fault. It is absolutely, positively not always her error. Often times the directions are half baked when I view them online or when they're verbally delivered in class. It is infuriating to say the least.

This is where I find myself wanting to scream at the top of my lungs or curl up and cry. I cannot fix it and there is not one clear cut issue to correct. I have her make phone calls to classmates, I text and call her friends parents for instruction, we email teachers, we take online tutorials, we have friends scan in work or direct us to online resources---and really, it completely blows.


NOW--it does all work out in the end but at what cost?  I will also have you know the teachers simply say to me, "She is a great kid. Totally capable, engaged student. She is doing well."  Again, THANK GOD, but we move Heaven and Earth nightly it seems to get there.

The principal told me to chill a bit (he said it kindly and I definitely felt heard) so I started to. Chilling meant fulfilling some of my Girls Night Out dates that I have not cashed in on. I also have had some client, school and neighborhood commitments to tend to in the evenings.  Fall is always a bustling time.

I knew Olivia and Eric were capable of following homework instructions and reading all my post it notes where I helped her prioritize what needed to be done and when. But, honestly, the wheels started to come off the bus because it takes a village and someone to run it. The job was getting done but not to the same extent as it was when Olivia and I were working together. This is no slight on Eric and he will be the first to tell you that he needs me with her at night to assist. In fact, he told me last night that I should cancel my Thurs. night plans. I know he is right. Which is why I am guilt ridden--for the fact that I probably should but don't want to and for the fact that Liv went to bed again knowing I was burned out because of her school life. It is no way to say goodnight.

I pray there is a better solution and light at the end of the tunnel. For now--I am sending out an SOS.

Tomorrow is a new day and Middle School is not forever. Somehow we all survived it but it remains the worst years of my life. How desperately I am fighting to have my daughter not say the same. The good news? While my experience was terrible because of mean girls and feeling so awkward and ugly--hers is not starting out that way at all. The only ugliness she is facing is her mama's attitude.
God help us. Sincerely.