Someday

Often times during the day I pop in to my girls rooms to tidy up, (or perhaps to steal a Halloween candy), or even simply to soak in the sunshine that pours into Audrey's room. It is a favorite resting space for the dogs, too, who are always at my feet.

Each time I feel myself pining for my girls who are off at school. I want to turn back time and sit on the floor with them --and read--and giggle- and play dolls. I want to sit at the foot of their beds and chat about their lives, hopes, dreams, desires, and loves. I want to paint their nails and dance about the room and belly laugh until our sides ache.

I have been told I live in a fairytale world at times. I completely agree. I love the idea of all the things an "ideal mama" is "supposed" to do and while some of the things I do really well there are many others where I fall very very short. Daily.

I have a sharp tongue and high expectations and impatient ways and there is so much I wish I could do over when it comes to how I am as a mother.

My hope is that someday when they stand in the quiet of their own children's rooms and experience the overwhelming sense of joy and pride and abiding love for them that they come to realize--- I can completely relate.

Pick Me~ or not

I drafted the post below about 2 weeks ago and I was feeling insecure about posting it--until now. I spoke to a handful of close friends about my feelings (not the post per se) and I felt so much lighter afterwards.

Today when I went to draft an unrelated post I pulled this one up again and read it. At this time I can say that I really feel I have taken my own advice that I wrote at the end of the post below.

I decided to share it today, however, for the times I may slip back into these emotions and/or for any of you who might relate. I will say all the girlfriends that I shared my heart with on this subject had the same message, "I totally get it." Here goes~


I am not sure I've ever felt so fulfilled in my friendships.

I do not take that statement for granted as I think it is such a blessing to be able to experience such fulfillment in my 40's.

I treasure all of them--these friends I met in childhood, or at college, or on school playgrounds, at parks, at mom's group, at work, or upon introductions from mutual friends.

My heart is full. And yet I find myself still wanting to be "liked" by others. Not that I need to find a new bestie but I definitely want to feel as if people would want to be my friend. It seems so childish.

My eight year old does not appear to share this same desire even. She is very matter of fact when she knows someone does not want to be her close friend. "She isn't really my type either," she casually remarks and brushes it off.

Amen. To be honest I do not necessarily find the people that I want to "like" me to be my cup of tea either. It is usually quite the opposite. I find them harsh or  insecure or passive aggressive and yet, I still want them to like me. How silly.

I have wracked my brain about my desire to be accepted quite a bit since my girls started at their new school a couple of years ago. Not that my emotions are anything new but the need feels greater at times. Perhaps it is because I am so entrenched and so passionate about the place.

I was discussing this with a girlfriend (mom at the school) over lunch the other day and she said, "You have a target on your back. Like it or not you have your hands in so much and therefore, you set yourself up for judgement."

OK.

I expressed this to another friend who said, "I trust it's annoying to some people that you are so involved. I assume you make some people feel inferior and they probably wonder if you're genuine."

Alright. Well, no, OUCH. Anyone that knows me well knows how hard I work at transparency and being real. Which is why this eats me up. You don't have to have me over for dinner but you do have to know this is real. But why? And who cares? My 3rd grader has already figured out that acceptance by all is never gonna happen. So how come I feel like an emotional tween at times? Or do many of us feel this way but some of us are better at keeping such thoughts to ourselves?

Emotions aside, I do understand why some of my behavior and high energy might be eye roll inducing or that the chemistry I have with some people doesn't work and for hundreds of other reasons I understand why someone would not choose me to be their pal.

I just need to LET IT GO and turn my attention back to what does matter---my overflowing cup brimming with true friends who take me just as I am.

Lucky girl.

This shot (both the photo and the one in hand) was taken after a lovely day out with friends this past Spring 

Freckled Faces and Fairy Tales

"A face without freckles is like a sky without stars"~ Natasha Bettingfield

Dearest Liv Love and Audrey Girl,

I could not let one more day pass without telling you both how wonderful you are. Your presence in my life is such a blessing. As a little girl I had such dreams of what my own children would be like.

I looked at you tonite across the dinner table and fell madly in love with you both all over again. I tend to do it all the time, you know. It's usually when I'm tucking you in at night, or watching you walk to class or in to gymnastics, Liv. Audrey girl when you greet me at the end of the school day and give me a thumbs-up from the swimming pool during class--I melt.

I love the handmade cards and notes that you create during the day because I am on your mind, Audrey. Olivia, when you bound in to the car and announce your latest AR score and cheerfully ask me how my day was I thank God for you.

At the school play tonite seated in the audience with you both it happened again. The rush of love I receive just being in your presence is magical. Olivia you sit with your legs crossed fully engaged and simply beautiful. Your bright teeth and shiny hair and strong limbs appear ready to take on the world! I love your spirit.

Audrey, how many kisses you must have planted on me in just over an hour's time.

Girls, the way you thank me for taking you to church, sweetly sing in the car, hold my hand when we're walking, and always compliment me about my mothering, my appearance, my meals--oh my! You can see why I am so grateful to you and why I love you so deeply.

Olivia Bliss, how dedicated you are in school. I watch you in your classroom with great pride. I know how focused you are and how well you want to do. I hear you doing homework with your father and how very hard you work at it. Way to go, my Livvie B!

I know how well respected and admired you are by your peers. You are the girl on the playground at recess that is tumbling and dancing and leading the charge. You are also helping out the "special needs" kids and playing with them--making them feel finally that they, too, are normal. You take on your role in patrol with devotion. And it shows.

I watch you at gymnastics and I love how much enjoyment you get out of your weekly training. Nine hours, girl, and you never complain. Oh, Olivia, you have grown up so much.

I do look at your sweet face--your dancing eyes, freckled nose, big smile that affects every part of your beautiful face and I fondly remember your newborn days, the baby days, the toddler days, the pre-school ones, the first elementary school years and while I pine for them I also see my grown-up girl. A thriving, smart, beautiful, caring, talented, sweet child. Of mine.

Audrey E, my wise, wise girl. The talks we share! The questions you ask! The things you know. Oh my, girl. Look out world. Today's discussion on the ellipse and dramatic pause, how you knew about "pirating videos" (an illegal act you say), quoting silly jokes from a joke book and remarking on how "cheesy" jokes from joke books tend to be!

How you handle responsibility and homework and how wonderful it is as a parent to hear from your teacher, "She is an amazing listener".

How tender your heart is. The way you speak to others is beautiful. The way you really "see" others helps me to be a better person.

I love how you wear girly girl things and have little trinkets and purses and shoes that click when you walk! I love your laughter and your singing and how much you treasure your big sis.

Just as I tell God every night at your bedsides I will say it all of my days, "Thank you God for giving me Olivia Bliss and Audrey E."

You are both exactly what I envisioned my little girls would be like. Silly. Pretty. Happy. Bright. And freckle faced. You are my dreams come true.

Sisterhood

I always dreamed of having a sister.

Making that dream come true for my girls is the next best thing.

Dog Breath

En route to a week on the coast Fribble the dog STOOD shaking anxiously in the back of the car with his head over the girls shoulders and his breath offending them with each exhale.
On top of his pungent breath-- he drooled. I assume most dogs sit after a few minutes in the car. Not Frib. He stood, tongue out, bad breath in full swing-- the entire journey.

Toward the end of the road trip Audrey had set up a drool guard on her arm rest.

While the girls tried their hardest to deal with him the pictures tell the story of how their patience was wearing thin. Three hours of inhaling dog breath will weaken even the most steadfast.