Someday

Often times during the day I pop in to my girls rooms to tidy up, (or perhaps to steal a Halloween candy), or even simply to soak in the sunshine that pours into Audrey's room. It is a favorite resting space for the dogs, too, who are always at my feet.

Each time I feel myself pining for my girls who are off at school. I want to turn back time and sit on the floor with them --and read--and giggle- and play dolls. I want to sit at the foot of their beds and chat about their lives, hopes, dreams, desires, and loves. I want to paint their nails and dance about the room and belly laugh until our sides ache.

I have been told I live in a fairytale world at times. I completely agree. I love the idea of all the things an "ideal mama" is "supposed" to do and while some of the things I do really well there are many others where I fall very very short. Daily.

I have a sharp tongue and high expectations and impatient ways and there is so much I wish I could do over when it comes to how I am as a mother.

My hope is that someday when they stand in the quiet of their own children's rooms and experience the overwhelming sense of joy and pride and abiding love for them that they come to realize--- I can completely relate.

Slice of Suburbia

Jumped into my mama minivan this morning to take Audrey to school and forgot my cell phone. Ran into the house to grab it and retrieved a message from a client confirming our 10 a.m. interview with a local business journal editor. I was in a baseball hat & jeans. Thank God I had showered. I totally spaced about the appointment. I flew up the stairs and threw on a skirt and four minutes later we were off.

After the meeting I had to get to Olivia's class to edit scripts for the "Living History Museum." An hour & a half later I raced home to answer client email and tend to a handful of their needs. Then I grabbed the little signs I'd made for Audrey's class pic for her teacher's birthday celebration and raced to the grocery for ice cream cups.

All was well yet all I really, really wanted was something to eat.

Hooked up with Carrie at school pick up this afternoon and we decided to treat the kids to ice cream cones while we finally had a chance to get something to eat ourselves---yummy BLTs and avocado sandwiches, salads, and lemonade from Honey Bear Bakery. It was heavenly.

As soon as we arrived home the children were hankering to play outside in the wonderfully warm sunshine. They donned their swim suits and I filled up the kiddie pool. Moments later they'd grabbed beach buckets and were engaged in a full-fledged good old fashioned water fight. It was childhood at it's best.

Carrie had retreated to her household chores by now and I was applying the second coat of paint on our outdoor dining table.

The bustling energy of suburbia was zapped just minutes later as Audrey was yelping in pain and needed assistance which required tweezers, a steady hand, and a promise from me not to tell anyone why they were needed. Thank Heavens I managed to save the day...for just a moment.

Meantime, Olivia had come inside to get some shoes on and banged her head on the corner of the counter. She melted into tears.

As this went on inside, Alice the dog who was tied up outside, managed to get her lead wrapped around the gallon can of paint and dump the nearly full container on the lawn. On cue Frib traipsed through it and then bound into the house and onto our bed.

At this stage Audrey announces she'd just had an accident and needed my help (I wound up throwing the underwear out.. so need I say more about the severity of the accident?) Olivia's two friends were at the screen door calling for her because apparently she had just had an issue with them ("I will apologize to them but I will not tell you what it was about", she coolly commented to me.)

As I stripped the bed I tried to count my blessings. All I could come up with at that moment was, "Thank God all this chaos happened on a full stomach."

Hope for Bliss

Having an issue identified and being able to start down a path of how to deal with it is one of the most fulfilling emotions I've experienced. In the same way, not having direction can make me feel I'm not being heard. And fills me with dread. And hopelessness.

Eric and I are desperately trying to help our Olivia Bliss be heard. And find hope. She has a very volatile personality when things don't go as she's planned or as she sees fit. Examples are: things being moved in her room, being asked to do something she doesn't want to do, she does not like the way her clothes look, or how her posters are hung, etc. The outbursts are overwhelming. For her. And for the rest of us in the family. She reacts so strongly and so crazed that it has boggled our minds and caused an insurmountable amount of stress in our family. The remorse and despair she feels afterward is equally overwhelming. And I know she feels helpless. I have never felt more like a failure in my life than I do as a mom to Olivia because I can't stop the chaos. I desperately want her to feel in control and I see how out of control this beautiful little girl of mine is.
We've talked to drs., counselors, teachers, friends, family and read numerous books. "You need to be consistent, she needs to know she is not the boss, you need to find her 'currency' and what will make her behave appropriately." We have heard from dozens about how I should not hold her and talk with her after these outbursts since she'll think she won-- "She should go to bed and lay in the dark and really think about what she did." How I should not always discuss feelings with her --"She's just spitting back at you what she thinks you want to hear". We've been told (and we have believed) that we just need to be stricter, stronger, tougher. We've tried. And it hasn't worked. And I am not convinced that any one has been right in their well intentioned advice. Although we are grateful. But it's not working. And I believe conventional wisdom is not what we need. It has been eating away at us lately ---as she has an outburst in the car and then walks into class with the weight of the world on her little back. Or as she lays in the dark sobbing--eventually succumbing to sleep. If this is all manipulation then I WILL get stronger and stricter but Lord knows I've tried and something in my gut is telling me loud and clear that it's so much more. In an email to my dad recently I expressed these deep concerns. His response was simple and yet said so much, "Mothers know best about these issues so go with your gut and keep praying." Eric and I were beginning to feel heard. Two days ago Eric spoke to a psychiatrist on the phone and gave examples of some of Olivia's outbursts --one at age 2 and one at age 7. The dr. recommended we read, "The Explosive Child"--it's written about children who do not progress to the degree that we would hope in the areas of flexibility and frustration tolerance. The dr. who wrote the book is a professor in the Dept. of Psychiatry at Harvard and runs the Collaborative Problem Solving Institute at Massachsetts General Hospital in Boston where my brother had several surgeries. His credentials alone sold me. So I got the book and read it--voraciously. For starters, the quotes from so many of the parents resonated with me. "People who don't have a child like this don't have a clue about what it's like to live with a child like this. Believe me, this is not what I envisioned when I dreamed of having children." "I hate what I've become. I used to think of myself as a kind, patient, sympathetic person. But she has taught me to act in ways I never thought capable. I am emotionally spent." Here was one of the first paragraphs in the book as the dr. uses an example of an 11 year old girl, "Over the years her parents have sought help from countless mental health professionals, most of whom advised them to set firmer limits and be more consistent in managing her behavior and instructed them on how to implement formal reward & punishment strategies, usually in the form of sticker charts and time-outs. After eight years of disparate advice, firmer limits, medicine and motivational programs she has changed very little since her parents noticed there was something 'different' about her when she was a toddler." Bottom line--when parents punish children who do not have the skills to handle how to deal with frustrations the children do not change. This leads to reason that the behavior is not calculated so popular strategies aimed at "teaching the child who's boss" do not make sense since she is not intentionally being "stubborn/manipulative/attention-seeking/ etc". Based on that perspective he asks parents to shelf the conventional thought and assume the child is motivated to do the right thing and already knows who's boss but has a developmental delay in the skills of frustration tolerance. No one has ever told me about this and I am so relieved. To me & for now --it makes perfect sense. We shall see.

The book states, "due to these children's poor tolerance for frustration their wonderful qualities and tremendous potential are often obscured." The children about whom this book is written do not choose to be explosive (any more than a child would choose to have a reading disability). He went on, "Parents of explosive children often discover that strategies that are usually effective for shaping the behavior of other children-such as explaining, reasoning, reassuring, nurturing, redirecting, insisting, ignoring, rewarding, and punishing-don't achieve the same success with these types of children." He states the knee-jerk explanation tends to be "their parents are poor disciplinarians" And then he says, "Of course this explanation doesn't help us understand why many of the siblings of explosive children are actually very well behaved." Amen. That's when the tears came. And that's when I felt like we were now able to help Olivia. And that's when I felt like Olivia's voice was starting to be heard. And that maybe my gut was right afterall. The premise of the book is, "Children do well if they can." And now I know that Olivia needs help finding the tools to do well. The dr. writes that "there is no other group of children who are so misunderstood." This makes my heart break. Eric and I parked at the beach yesterday morning while the kids were in school and I read him pages and pages of highlighted notes. I told him that I believe her outbursts are not planned. How she is not calculated. How getting punished or not receiving an anticipated reward makes these kinds of kids more frustrated, not less. We talked about the steps we are told to take, "empathize/reassure, define the problem together, and invite the child to help solve it." And then I read this to him and I vowed to change the way I view Olivia and respond to her, "Many people believe that if the consequences a child has received for his explosions haven't caused him to stop exploding it must be that the punishments didn't cause enough pain. So they add more pain. The majority of explosive kids have had more pain than most people experience in a lifetime." I am so sorry, Olivia. We love you. We finally hear you. We know the road ahead may be a long one but we finally have a map to help us. And most of all--we have hope.

Coffee Klatsch

Life has been busy--and I've been starting to get overwhelmed. But I was blessed to have coffee dates with two fabulous human beings this past week. They were two separate engagements which led to straight one on one time. Perfect. For each date we each were armed with travel mugs, loads of stories, and unspoken expectations to connect.

On my first engagement as we sat sipping our hot chocolates with whip, I learned all about relationships, culture, and even some science. I did not get a word in edge wise and sat raptured. The voice, the facial expression, the insight--I was mesmorized.

My next date we fueled up with decaf honey lattes and my date filled the hour with tales from the seventeen and eighteen hundreds combined with a great deal of geography and some grammar. Again, I barely spoke except to ask for more.

I learned about friendships and the importance of girlfriend secrets. I learned about the capital of Bolivia (there are actually two). I learned about Marie Antoinette and the guillotine. I learned that there are loads of "ch" words in the English language and how the list of homophones seems endless.

And most of all --I learned that these two beautiful, thoughtful human beings are God's gift to me. And to the world. And that they are and will grow up in spite of me. And I am so blessed to be a part of the journey.

Thank you, Olivia & Audrey, for once again surpassing my expectations and for being such lovely dates. You're just what I needed.

What are we going to do, Mama?

Helpless little Olivia asked me this question tonite. I had no answer. I was as broken, distraught, and lost as she. She was lying in her dark bedroom and I was sitting alongside her as we spent another night speaking amidst the shadows and trying to figure out how to make the chaos stop. Olivia had just melted down again after she noticed I'd moved something off her floor and placed it on her bed. Out broke another world war. Just this morning Eric laid out the three main rules here at Wilkinson Manor and wrote them on the kitchen blackboard, "Listen First Time, Don't Talk Back, Show Respect." And he then outlined what our agreed upon consequences were if the girls broke the rules. First-time out for as many minutes as your age, second- lose computer time, third- lose dessert. Tonite Liv suffered all three consequences and then I had to start the cycle again with a second time out for another 7 minutes. Finally she stopped ranting and was sent off to bed. With a very heavy heart. So there I sat at her bedside with an equally heavy heart.

The evening had been so lovely. Eric worked tonite and the girls and I ate dinner in bed and watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I was excited for a peaceful bedtime and had wanted to write a short, light "blog/journal entry" about what we've been up to before heading off to bed. I was going to write about the darling American Girl's Fashion Show we went to benefiting Children's Hospital. About the "camp out" the kids had in the family room on Saturday night. About the "paint with the Easter bunny event" at my client's pottery studio benefiting bereavement camps for kids. About the "dance party" and sleepover the girls had over the weekend. About a fun Saturday lunch shared with friends.
About another client's yummy chocolate dinner (coconut, white chocolate, hazlenut truffle!!)
About Audrey's initiation into cheer club--earlier tonite Olivia was making up a club and Audrey wanted to join. Liv told her it was a cheer club & that Audrey needed to know a cheer to join. Moments later Audrey made one up, One step forward, one step back, give yourself a little clap. "Am I in?" she asked.


But, the night spun out of control. again.


"I do not know why I can't listen, mom. I want to. My head tells me to and then a small voice tells me to do whatever I want. I don't know how to make it stop. I want to. I don't like making you mad and I do not like getting in trouble. I want to cry so much. I want to make it go away. I want to tell you over & over again how sorry I am that I do this all the time. I do this every day. I know it's not you. I start it and then you get mad. Then I feel bad and then you feel bad. I don't know how to fix it. What are we going to do, mama?" Her plea was pathetic. It was so sincere. So desperate. And I felt as helpless as she.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. That was what came to me--calm down and trust God. I shared this with Olivia. I told her that it will be OK. I told her that I promise to help her and that I will never break a promise that big. ever. I told her that God instructs us to be calm, sit quietly, and trust Him. To know that He is bigger than us and He put things in motion and can make things work for good. I told her that God chose us to be mother and daughter and that I commit to her that all will work out with us. She thanked me. She told me how much she loved me. And I kissed her tear stained cheeks and she fell fast asleep. And I wept. Right there in the darkened bedroom. And finally I was still.

Me & June--Two Girls in the 'Burbs

June Cleaver eat your heart out. I too am learning to do some daily chores and find live blissful.

It's been a fabulous Saturday. And yet I haven't done much of anything. Or at least what I've done is not the least bit exciting. And yet it's been perfect.

Here's how this Saturday has been spent.

Audrey woke me up with her dreadful cough. Poor thing has been hacking and letting out whimpers in her sleep for 4 nights now. While that is certainly not "perfect" climbing into bed with her and being greeted with her beautiful bright smile and outstretched arms--that is perfect.

It was 7:30 and so we lay peacefully together until 8 and then I read her some new library books.

Made French Breakfust Puffs (cinnamon, nutmeg, sugary muffins) and the "big" girls woke up from their sleepover and devoured them.

Wrapped some up in a tea towel and dropped in front of Carrie & Darren's door.

Took out the Easter decorations. I know it's early but there are not many of them so scattered some things here and there and it feels a bit more like spring here at Wilkinson Manor!

Chilled in a sunny spot in the living room with the dogs and chatted with Eric about his first meeting with the new boss. He is a pro and it sounds like the new guy recognizes it- woo hoo!

Enjoyed a puff myself with an ice cold mug of milk.

Folded two loads of laundry as Audrey sorted the socks.

Washed Alice the dog in the tub.

Wrote loads of bills and balanced the family checkbook. $103.04 off (not in my favor-ugh)

And so I sit--thoroughly enjoying this sunny Saturday. Half eaten bowl of oatmeal in front of me, paperwork to be organized, chatter of kids playing in Audrey's bedroom, dogs are sleeping, Liv is at the neighbors, Eric is at the market, and it's date night. I doubt June ever had it so good.

p.s. June may not have had it so good but I doubt she was manic. Not 3 hours after I wrote this I had a tantrum. I was balancing my business check book and preparing to pay a big check to my SEP (self employment plan) since it's due near tax time. Which got me to thinking about the clients that never paid me. $22K+ is what I've lost over the years ($10K in 2007 alone). And I can't write the loss off--my accountant has some fancy explanation as to why but I am too pissy now to go into it. So I was totally unhappy all of a sudden. I went upstairs to get in the shower and popped into the girls rooms to straighten them up a bit. I spotted granola crumbs ground into the floor in Olivia's room and I lost it. Audrey was the last one eating granola so life for her was about to stink. I threw open the bedroom window and screamed to Audrey (who was happily painting rocks in the front yard) to "Get in this house NOW." Audrey came into the house sobbing. Nice. I doubt June ever yelled at Wally & The Beav for spilled cereal! And now it's date night and "Ward" is not the least bit impressed with me. I don't blame him a bit...

Letting Go

I let Audrey ride TWO cheesy department store rides today.

I hung out at the park with the kids. For two days.

I read a magazine there--guilt free, drank pink lemonade, ignored my folder full of paperwork, and chatted with the kids.

I pushed Audrey on her bike loads of times. The past two days.

And I was not antsy. Or pissy. Or guilt ridden. About work. About the things that needed to get done. And most of all-- I actually did not want to be anywhere else. More than that- I wasn't even thinking about being anywhere else. I was not trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do and the right place to be. And I loved it. All. I really experienced the kids. And life. And the moment.

For those of you that thoroughly enjoy children & life each day and for those of you that have not known me the past 10 + years this may seem like a no brainer to you. Or, more than that--this may appear simply what parents are supposed to do and all the things they are supposed to enjoy doing. Believe me, I have read all the parenting books, studied all the "right" ways to raise children, laid in bed countless nights guilt ridden with all my mistakes, been up late praying for what seems like years now, I've poured my heart out to counselors, spent far too many girls nights AND date nights discussing how hard I try to DO these things AND enjoy them at the same time BUT I can't begin to tell you how much I fail. And how doing them does not come easy for me in the way I had always dreamed. I have lived through panic disorder, obsessing about dying of cancer, regret for being the world's worst mom, and so much more. I spent a cruise to Alaska devastated that my kids did not have a "present" mom. A romantic over the top trip to Mexico (a week at the Four Seasons!) was ruined as I diagnosed myself with breast cancer. The family reunion visits to Hilton Head Island are never without feelings of real doom and despair over my thighs in a swimsuit---and after age 35--my stomach as well. An escape with Eric to Rosario Resort was spent paralyzed with fear that I had ovarian cancer. I know how ridiculous it must sound as I regale all the fabulous trips and opportunities I have in my life. I am very sincere when I say I am blessed. I assure you I do not take any of it for granted. And while I have always been a very happy person, I have also had deep fears. And worries. And doubts. And so much guilt for it all. I have faith in God which clearly conflicts with my obsessive, negative thoughts about illness, death, loss, and what I believe is at the root of it all- CONTROL and letting go.

So here I am. Changing. I can't pinpoint when it started but for me life is changing. Or at the least--life the way I view it is changing. I have attempted to "turn it over" to God numerous times and simply surrender to life. And I can honestly say I can feel it's happening. If you saw my post about riding roller coasters in Disneyland let me tell you- that whole trip was a break through. A guilt free journey~ free of health worries and weight issues AND the trip was complete with roller coaster rides! For me, that was unheard of.

Tonite as I stood feasting over the ice cream carton and loaded up an ice cream scoop with chocolate chip ice cream, whipped cream and sprinkles Eric commented, "There are limits, Kate. Wow, I need a picture of this." Limits. Believe me, I know limits I told him. I have been bound by them for far too long. "Go for it," I said. "No, wait!" And then I reached for a bright pink peanut M & M and plopped it onto the whipped cream top!

Because I am living. And I am loving it. And I can't believe this is me.


And I hope the sun shines again tomorrow because hanging at the park, drinking lemonade, and chatting with little people I have come to find can actually rock.

Conversations with God

Tucked Audrey in bed tonite and she recapped what she learned in Sunday school. She explained how during the puppet show the characters were acting frustrated since they were late for a sleepover but then they learned that it actually did not really matter in the big picture afterall. She said they were trying to teach her to listen to God's voice in all things and to not let the little things get them upset. God is bigger than that she said. And then she went on. "Mom, you know how you tell me that you love me to the moon and back?" Sure do. "Well, I love you more than that. If you took a million people and spread their arms out and lined them up--I love you more than that. I love you beyond places that don't exist and even into fairytale land. And every day I love you more and every day my heart gets more full. And because you make my heart full, yours grows fuller too." "And, mom, because I lived inside you I understand you differently than most people do." Really?, I asked. How so? "Well, I know your body parts better than dad even." REALLY? "Yep, I know your fibula, fibia, phalanges, tarsals, parts like that better than him." Maybe so. So after a brilliant and beautiful conversation with Audrey aka "Dr. Phil with hair" --aptly named by Olivia when Olivia was merely 5 and Audrey just 2~ I kissed her goodnight and then went in to Liv's room to give her one more snug and found her fast asleep. Bliss and peace. Upon leaving, I turned to find sweet 4 year old Audrey standing in Olivia's doorway. "Thanks for the chat, Mom." she whispered. "My heart is fuller now. And yours is, too. I just know it." Is it ever, Audrey. Is it ever...

Sick Days, Sweet Sentiments, & Rockin' Out

Audrey E was sick today. Poor little lamb. I skipped a client event today to be near her and she spent 4 hours of it sleeping. Curled herself up on the couch with the dog while I was on a conference call and slept. So, I guess I did some work afterall but for the most part no guilt here. I was there if needed. We had to cancel plans with dear friends tonite,too~ fun, laid back, and dear, dear Wade & Sherry. A sleepover no less and a night at an Irish pub complete with a babysitter. I couldn't wait. But, it was not to be. Vomiting can sideline a lot of things.

Then I read a beautiful comment Liv posted on my blog tonite and it brought tears to my eyes. And Eric's. Along with some very wonderful, thoughtful, and articulate statements she wrote this, "I thank you for coming to help out in my class. I know you are very busy and so thanks for missing some of that so you can come just to be there with me!" How incredibly touched I am that she noticed and thanked me for it. I wish I did it more and when the stars align and I can be there I wouldn't miss it for the world. And I love that she cares.

So here I sat tonite--surrounded by bills, leftover pizza plate, and love, love, love.

As the clock struck well past bedtime we decided it was time to rock thanks to Liv jumping on our deskptop and cranking up Frank Zappa from our itunes library. So the party started. And once again I ended another day with so very, very much to be grateful for.

( Photo courtesy of A.E.W. 4~ dreamed up the title herself...she is the artist formerly known as Audrey Elizabeth Wilkinson, age 4)

ox

Hugs

& Kisses

Happy Valentine's Day! Here's to experiencing love today & always. And in all sorts of ways!

friend love...

grandparent love...

family love...

(girls with cousins Elizabeth & Devon)

(Minnie with fabulous Aunt Cyn)

puppy love...

(Gramma & Alice)

(Audrey cleaning Fribble's feet)

big Papi love

sisterly love...

rock star love...

(eric & liv posing after we touched down in CA)

Bo Sox Love

(Go B'S!)

And lucky, lucky me. Once again feeling the love!

ox

A Few of My Favorite Things...

Here are a few of the things lately that I have been celebrating. There is so much more but I'll start with top of mind for now and build as needed....

my 93 year old grandmother (a wonderful role model).

friendship- I have daily contact with fabulous ones and intermittent contact with friends from long ago. I treasure all of them.

handmade gifts from my girls

my Saturday night call from my dear Aunt Cyn congratulating me on Obama's Washington state win! ;)

prayers for others--Liv was praying for a very sick Eric last night (fever, chills, etc.) and it was beautiful despite his illness.

my brother Tim's sense of humor (probably the funniest person I am blessed to know!)

chocolate chip cookies homemade by my friend, Darren--the lack of evidence on the plate shows how much Audrey & I enjoyed them yesterday during game time.

receiving comments on my blog!

sleeping children (is there anything more precious or peaceful)?

a quiet home.

sipping tea with a magazine.

discussing politics, religion, life with Eric.

Boston fruit slices~ YUM! Almost gone...;(

recipes from my Aunt Pam sent across the miles.

thoughtful, helpful friends (and their kiddos) My friend, Eric, hung 3 of these darling chandeliers for me in the playroom!

my dogs even love my neighbors (on our evening walk last night Frib stopped at Gloria's door looking for turkey and Carrie's door since she's my dogs and kids surrogate mum!)

Audrey's kindness~ "I'm Sorry I do not have your card. So 'Go Fish', Mama, & Good Luck" her mantra when she does not have the card requested during Go Fish.

sweet husbands- Mara's husband sent her a surprise cocktail from he & their little boys the other night at girls night. His generosity made Mara (& me) cry. Prince!

honesty & ability to apologize easily (I am so pleased my parents taught me these traits!)

reconnecting with family- saw my beautiful cousins and fabulous aunts in California a few weeks ago. magical.

my mom's laid back nature (how I wish I got some of that!)

my brother Peter's positive disposition. great, great guy.

All for now. I would love to read some of your fav things, too!

For some reason I typed this post as a list of items but they all blend in a paragraph. Carrie, please help!