Escape Plan

Life has been one wild ride as of late. The trip to Disneyland was magical. 80 degrees and sun filled skies. Happy & adventurous children. Lots of laughter. Loads of fun. Tasty treats. I relished it all. On our last night at Disneyland (after a fabulous dinner shared with two of my cool, smart 20 something cousins, Rhea and Sienna and fabulous Aunt Cyn) we went back into the park.


We rode ride after ride. As we would ascend the hill on the Thunder Mountain railroad roller coaster I would close my eyes and truly escape preparing for the giant dip.


Audrey taught me how to do it earlier in the day on the King Triton Carousel. "Mama, close your eyes. Put your head back and be free."


I could not recall the last time I was so happy. And free.


Last Monday night we returned home. Back to normalcy--school, work, organizing the kids classroom Valentine's Day party, sending out thank you cards, Valentine greetings and birthday gifts, proposals for new clients and projects for current ones, rushing to piano pick-up and gymnastics drop-off, afternoon client TV and radio gigs, coordinating babysitters and car rides for the girls, grocery runs--the usual busy-ness of life. Thrown in was the fact that Fribble stopped walking (literally), Audrey was accepted into the district's highly capable program which is a blessing but leaves us with many questions as to send her or not (and if not--where should she go to school?).


But most of all in the midst of it all little Audrey woke up several mornings vomiting. 4 times to be exact since mid-January. Not just a little spit up but major vomiting. Repeatedly. Until her belly is completely empty.


And then she would be fine.


Stumped, I googled it. Childhood brain tumors are apparently key symptoms to early morning vomiting. I panicked. Full fledge-back to living in fear-lost it.


Admittedly, I may have been too close to the flame which is why my mind went wild.


Truth be told--I have been reeling from my close friend Sheila's breast cancer diagnosis (and subsequent masectomy last Monday), I spent a decent length of time poolside with a family who was in Disney with Make-A-Wish (4 year old boy with cancer) and while at Disney the hotel pool lifeguard approached me as I was ready to take a plunge down the waterslide and told me, "God spoke to me that He is holding your family close in His heart." Seriously.


I did take Audrey to the doctor's office (the doctor who saw her happens to be married to an oncologist) and she was not worried. My dear, dear friend Sue (who is an internist) was not worried either. Based on the details I could provide they're both hopeful it's reflux/food related/timing of dinner & bedtime, etc.


On Saturday morning after it happened again with Audrey I pulled in to Target and parked in the spot next to her doctor. The one who delivered her and knows her best. Serendipity? Godsend regardless. She talked me through it some more and told me to STOP OBSESSSING.


The church sermon Sunday was all about turning EVERYTHING over to God as we are not capable of managing and handling and fixing all that is life. I'm trying. Breath by breath.


In the car on the way home from school yesterday I asked Audrey what she calls it when she closes her eyes on the carousel and puts her head back.
"No name, really. It's just something I do when I want to make something extra fun or really relaxing." she replied.


"Sounds to me like an Escape Plan." Olivia commented.


Right on. Works for me.

Sick Day

Driving to a media lunch today I was struck with the dreaded "aura effect" I get before a migraine attack. Loss of vision, numbness in my tongue and left arm caused me to immediately cancel my appointments and pull off the freeway into a parking lot for an hour until I could see again and drive home to bed.

Hours later the splitting headache over my right eye subsided to a dull ache and I was able to crawl out from under the covers, even do some work, and tuck the kids in. This was Audrey's bedtime prayer, "Thank you, God, for making Mama feel better tonite. Thank you for the grass that grows, flowers that bloom and get bigger and for sending angels to watch over mama and keep her calm and know that you were with her when she was so sick. Thank you for the good news that Papa Frank is all healthy again and thank you for making the dr's. news an early birthday present for Meme from you." With tears in my eyes, a heart filled with love and pride, and a soul full of thanks to God I went to say goodnight to Olivia.

"Please lay down, Mama, I have wanted to give you a massage all evening," she said. I slid in next to her and her touch was so soft and gentle for a usually bustling and energetic girl. Lovely...

Earlier in the day when I texted Eric to tell him I was out of commission he contacted Carrie who swung into action --picking up my girls from school, treating them to ice cream cones, and watching them all afternoon (while she did work for k PR as well!). Eric brought dinner home, the director I was to have lunch with sent well wishes via email and my client whom I canceled a meeting with called to check in.

Yes, God, like Audrey said--thank you for sending angels to care for me.

Stereotyped

I am so fired up AGAINST Sarah Palin that I am having a hard time seeing straight. Regardless of how articulate and attractive she is I thought her speech at the Republican National Convention was snide, sarcastic, and hypocritical. She completely offended me.

Let me say--I enjoy watching The Daily Show and Bill Maher and many sarcastic commentators but here's the thing---I know what I am getting when I listen to them.
Sarah Palin claims to be a devout Christian (which to me means working hard at NOT passing judgement or demeaning, belittling, or condemning others). Appeared to me she did all of those things in regards to Barack Obama. Truth be told I struggle with trying not to judge others daily (and fail at it a lot) but this is not about me--and I am not running for VP on a platform of how Godly I am.

The morning after her speech I went to a TV shoot with a client. The producer asked me if I was proud to see a woman like her on stage. "Not at all," I quickly snapped---offended at the insinuation that I would be. He was shocked (and pleased, I might add) but nonetheless, shocked. "You're a strong woman, have your own business, the kids, the husband, the whole nine yards---AND you're quite religious, aren't you?"

I told him Yes to all (not sure about "religious" but have no qualms about professing my faith in God). My client chimed in, "You don't love her? I thought she was great--she is the hockey mom, she's confident and bold; she's the whole package and very real--like you." I felt sick. Seriously.


Upon further research of her beliefs I found information about her former pastor, Rev. Ed Kalnins (she attended his church since the age of 12 and left a few years ago perhaps upon entering the Governor's mansion?? She did visit the church just this past June, however, to deliver a speech). Below is apparently some of what he preached from the pulpit (there was a link to his recorded sermons where these quotes were pulled from which would serve as better proof but they've been conveniently taken down since Sept. 3). Strategic move on the Republicans part? I would think yes.

During the 2004 election season, Kalnins praised President Bush's performance during a debate with Sen. John Kerry, then offered a not-so-subtle message about his personal candidate preferences. "I'm not going tell you who to vote for, but if you vote for this particular person, I question your salvation. I'm sorry."

Months after hinting at possible damnation for Kerry supporters, Kalnins bristled at the treatment President Bush was receiving over the federal government's handling of Hurricane Katrina. "I hate criticisms towards the President," he said, "because it's like criticisms towards the pastor -- it's almost like, it's not going to get you anywhere, you know, except for hell. That's what it'll get you."

Sarah Palin is a working woman, has a special needs child, has a son headed to war within days and a teenage daugher with a baby on the way. God bless her. And her children. I hope they find support and peace as they go about their days. My gut and my God tell me that wanting the best for them is the right thing to do.

I fear if the roles were reversed and my daughters (or Barack and Michelle Obama's daughters) were pregnant Sarah and her supporters would stand in judgement. I can hear James Dobson and his Focus on the Family rhetoric now if this happened to a Democratic candidate's family.
Reports show that earlier this year Governor Palin slashed funding for a state program benefiting teen mothers in need of a place to live and during her governorship she slashed funding for schools for special needs kids by 62%. Will her mindset change now that it's hit close to home?

The God I believe in wants us to love and comfort all people not just our own loved ones. The God I believe in wants us to care for the less fortunate and troubled around the globe. I know it's not politically correct to say whether Jesus was a Republican or a Democrat but it seems to me like he and I would pull the same lever come this November.

Surrender

Heard a fabulous sermon at church today on Letting Go and Giving In to God. The pastor taught about Moses and about some verses from Phillipians 4: 6-8. It was all about how God is a personal & empathetic God who is in control and bigger than any of our failures or any of our tasks. The pastor spoke about how overwhelmed we are throughout our days and how God meets us where we're at and wants to help guide us through. He pointed out that we tend to find ourselves overwhelmed often because that is when we finally reach out to something bigger than ourselves. God is calling us to lean on Him.

So there I was in church- moved and focused.

Then I went out into the real world.

And went bathing suit shopping. Dear friends sent an amazing travel package and letter detailing the awesome adventures planned on our "surprise trip" we're embarking on with them and the kids soon. One of the key things they pointed out was you just need swimwear and shorts. Sounds heavenly-if only I did not look like ME in swimwear.

After swim suit shopping WITH the kids--as if I wasn't stressed enough ALONE I came home to the curtain rod and drapes crashed down on the kitchen floor (last week the kitchen drawer busted, none of the burners on the stove would ignite and the beef I prepared for the penne dish was recalled so kitchen disasters have been plaguing us a bit).

Eric then calls to ask me about dates for his mom's visit this summer. The trip that we pay for (have you seen airline prices lately?) The trip that she waits to take with baited breath since she loves to get away and relax. The trip where we run around like circus freaks entertaining her since she does not get many opportunities to do so herself.

Meantime, the neighbor girl came home from a week away and until this afternoon Liv and the other kids have been getting along swimmingly all week. Moments after her arrival Olivia came into the house and announced she was done playing outside. For The Summer. I sent her back outside immediately.

A short time later Audrey and I walked up to the park to see if all was going well with Liv and the other two girls. She was no where near them. Audrey broached them instead and asked them point blank if they did not like her sister. "What?" Talk about out of left field. I reprimanded her for not minding her own business and off we trotted. She was in tears.

As we sat on the back deck and I explained to her that this was between Liv and her friends an irate neighbor came up to me swearing about how Fribble "poops" (not his word...) in his yard continuously. In fact he had just done so in front of this guy's girlfriend. He also told me how his neighbor blames HIS dog for the dog poop and it's not his dog doing it.

Eric called again confirming dates for his mom's trip. As I was searching for my PDA to check my calendar I noticed Apple the fish died. Apple the fish died about 3 weeks ago and this was Apple Take Two.

In an effort to try to make ammends with the angry neighbor and cheer up the distraught daughter I started a baking project. Chocolate chip cookies for all. Unfortunately, I melted the butter too much when attempting to soften it and did not have any extra to spare (melted butter makes for flat and hard cookies- ugh). When I went to take a picture of my peace meal cookies and now smiling daughter I dropped the camera on the counter. The lens won't close and it's busted.

Officially overwhelmed.

What are we going to do, Mama?

Helpless little Olivia asked me this question tonite. I had no answer. I was as broken, distraught, and lost as she. She was lying in her dark bedroom and I was sitting alongside her as we spent another night speaking amidst the shadows and trying to figure out how to make the chaos stop. Olivia had just melted down again after she noticed I'd moved something off her floor and placed it on her bed. Out broke another world war. Just this morning Eric laid out the three main rules here at Wilkinson Manor and wrote them on the kitchen blackboard, "Listen First Time, Don't Talk Back, Show Respect." And he then outlined what our agreed upon consequences were if the girls broke the rules. First-time out for as many minutes as your age, second- lose computer time, third- lose dessert. Tonite Liv suffered all three consequences and then I had to start the cycle again with a second time out for another 7 minutes. Finally she stopped ranting and was sent off to bed. With a very heavy heart. So there I sat at her bedside with an equally heavy heart.

The evening had been so lovely. Eric worked tonite and the girls and I ate dinner in bed and watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I was excited for a peaceful bedtime and had wanted to write a short, light "blog/journal entry" about what we've been up to before heading off to bed. I was going to write about the darling American Girl's Fashion Show we went to benefiting Children's Hospital. About the "camp out" the kids had in the family room on Saturday night. About the "paint with the Easter bunny event" at my client's pottery studio benefiting bereavement camps for kids. About the "dance party" and sleepover the girls had over the weekend. About a fun Saturday lunch shared with friends.
About another client's yummy chocolate dinner (coconut, white chocolate, hazlenut truffle!!)
About Audrey's initiation into cheer club--earlier tonite Olivia was making up a club and Audrey wanted to join. Liv told her it was a cheer club & that Audrey needed to know a cheer to join. Moments later Audrey made one up, One step forward, one step back, give yourself a little clap. "Am I in?" she asked.


But, the night spun out of control. again.


"I do not know why I can't listen, mom. I want to. My head tells me to and then a small voice tells me to do whatever I want. I don't know how to make it stop. I want to. I don't like making you mad and I do not like getting in trouble. I want to cry so much. I want to make it go away. I want to tell you over & over again how sorry I am that I do this all the time. I do this every day. I know it's not you. I start it and then you get mad. Then I feel bad and then you feel bad. I don't know how to fix it. What are we going to do, mama?" Her plea was pathetic. It was so sincere. So desperate. And I felt as helpless as she.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. That was what came to me--calm down and trust God. I shared this with Olivia. I told her that it will be OK. I told her that I promise to help her and that I will never break a promise that big. ever. I told her that God instructs us to be calm, sit quietly, and trust Him. To know that He is bigger than us and He put things in motion and can make things work for good. I told her that God chose us to be mother and daughter and that I commit to her that all will work out with us. She thanked me. She told me how much she loved me. And I kissed her tear stained cheeks and she fell fast asleep. And I wept. Right there in the darkened bedroom. And finally I was still.

Food Fight

As far as letting go, being calmer, enjoying ice cream, finding mamahood blissful ---well, I'm a total fraud today. Totally lost it. Full fledge tantrum. Even squealed the tires on my minivan! in front of the new dad in the neighborhood. Pathetic. Why? School lunch. Making my kids lunches is by far the crappiest morning task I have. Trust me, I've tried to do it at night and it stinks then, too. It's not the task-- it's the contents and what my kids will/will not eat. They pretty much will not eat anything. They will eat most things at other meal times but not in a lunchbox for some reason I can not fathom. For example--

bananas? no. apples? no. with cinnamon? nope. cantaloupe? no. strawberries? not a chance. I'll add sugar. no.blueberries? no. dried ones? no. raisins? no. cashews? no. almonds? no. pistachios? no.mini bagel. no. with cream cheese? no. multi-grain crackers? no (they apparently break). cold cheese pizza? no. So I bought thermoses and offered hot foods---mac n cheese? no. soup? no. spaghetti? no. PB and crackers? no. (the peanut butter sticks to the bag). So Eric bought containers. How dare he, apparently that is so not cool! cheese sticks? no. cheese slices. no. yogurt? no. So then I resort to much less healthy food but can you see why I'm desperate? gogurts? no way, says Liv. Audrey has one daily, thank God. fiber one chocolate chip bar? no. fruit leather? no. (makes their hands sticky). peanut butter filled pretzels? no. chocolate covered raisins? no.

They will eat carrots, grapes, rice cakes, and some crackers--Liv won't eat goldfish but she will eat saltines--nice and healthy, 'eh? Here's a handful of white flour and salt basically. On top of all this I have to send Olivia to school with a mid-a.m. snack AND a snack for the afternoon on the days she has piano or cheerleading practice. So, back to this a.m. I was making lunch and every request was rejected. Oh, one more tangent--I KNOW not to give them choices when they are so picky because they will decline everything and the rational thinking is--if they're hungry, they'll eat SO I have sent them to school with what I want them to eat and then it all comes home. brown apples. warm cheese stick. soggy strawberries. And I can't stand the waste. So I lecture and remind them of starving children and how unfair it is that mama and papa work to provide for them and they let the food we buy rot in their lunch box. I know how awful my lecturing is too, trust me. And I know that at the end of the day I should probably let this whole school lunch issue go. But today I simply couldn't. Anyway, back to making lunch this a.m.--that was how my tantrum started. Then my computer jammed as I was printing something for a 10 a.m. mtg. And you can believe--it's a very bad hair day. So the kids are finally loaded into the car and Audrey does not have her lunchbox. Not that it matters. Would her body really miss a gogurt and a PB chip rice cake anyway? So I start to lecture about personal responsibility and send Olivia inside to find her sister's lunchbox that I set on the counter. And the clock is ticking. She could not find it. And the minutes are passing. Now mama is on the war path. I got out of the car SLAMMING the door behind me and I could not find it either. Not in my office, my bathroom, their bathroom, downstairs bathroom, not in either kids bedrooms, neither dog had brought it onto their respectives posts. Nowhere. I returned to the car. Not in Liv's backpack either. And there it was. It had fallen next to Audrey's seat on the side of the car. And now I was 10 minutes behind schedule. And I am usually 10 minutes behind "that" schedule so I'm now about 20 minutes late for everything...So I turn on the radio and blast the volume to 48 (another quick tangent--48 is nothing on my earlier, crazier mama tantrum days when both kids were babes--62 was my all time high and Eric bought me a shirt and had it embroidered to prove it--something I am so not proud of-- believe me). So back to the radio--Coldplay was on and droning, "Nobody said it was easy". I could not change it fast enough. Sheryl Crow's voice is now blaring in the car as she crooned, "Soak Up the Sun" and the lyrics are, "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you have". And then that still small voice appears. Conscience? God? Telepathy from my kids? Turn it down, switch the station, and chill the heck out. And I did. I didn't want to. But I did. And thankfully for Liv we'd arrived at her school. Audrey got to ride the next few minutes listening to Radio Disney as she does most days. Upon arrival she spells I L-O-V-E Y-O-U and then she adds, "You're all of my dreams come true." Is this kid going to need therapy or what? So I turn the car off and hug her and tell her how wrong I was. I told her I had a tantrum over school lunch. And then I was mad that we couldn't find her lunch box so I was now upset over losing something silly. I told her how wrong that was and how I tell them not to get upset over clothes, hair, and things that can be fixed and found. But that I went and did it. I asked her how it felt when I acted like that and she said, "you're like a monster." ouch. She's right. So that "you're my dream come true" was more like a nightmare for sure. But she did not say it. She didn't have to. Bless her. But I know. "Mom, you need to talk to yourself and talk to God. It helps. He can send messages to calm you," she says. Good luck getting my attention. I then took her to class and spelled to the teacher that I was a real B-I-T-C-H this morning and so Audrey girl may feel the after effects. She nodded and assured me that this too shall pass. And then I was off. Turning the key in the ignition the radio comes on and The Wiggles greet me with "Fruit Salad. Yummy, Yummy". Are you kidding me? God apparently does have a sense of humor.

p.s. Got a new biz call last week from a company starting "healthy, fun lunch packages for kids" (kid tested/mom approved)! And they're delivered right to school and camp- no muss, no fuss. Was I interested in helping them with their public relations? YES, YES, YES. I may be willing to take compensation in trade I am so interested! Is that another sign?

Conversations with God

Tucked Audrey in bed tonite and she recapped what she learned in Sunday school. She explained how during the puppet show the characters were acting frustrated since they were late for a sleepover but then they learned that it actually did not really matter in the big picture afterall. She said they were trying to teach her to listen to God's voice in all things and to not let the little things get them upset. God is bigger than that she said. And then she went on. "Mom, you know how you tell me that you love me to the moon and back?" Sure do. "Well, I love you more than that. If you took a million people and spread their arms out and lined them up--I love you more than that. I love you beyond places that don't exist and even into fairytale land. And every day I love you more and every day my heart gets more full. And because you make my heart full, yours grows fuller too." "And, mom, because I lived inside you I understand you differently than most people do." Really?, I asked. How so? "Well, I know your body parts better than dad even." REALLY? "Yep, I know your fibula, fibia, phalanges, tarsals, parts like that better than him." Maybe so. So after a brilliant and beautiful conversation with Audrey aka "Dr. Phil with hair" --aptly named by Olivia when Olivia was merely 5 and Audrey just 2~ I kissed her goodnight and then went in to Liv's room to give her one more snug and found her fast asleep. Bliss and peace. Upon leaving, I turned to find sweet 4 year old Audrey standing in Olivia's doorway. "Thanks for the chat, Mom." she whispered. "My heart is fuller now. And yours is, too. I just know it." Is it ever, Audrey. Is it ever...