Helpless little Olivia asked me this question tonite. I had no answer. I was as broken, distraught, and lost as she. She was lying in her dark bedroom and I was sitting alongside her as we spent another night speaking amidst the shadows and trying to figure out how to make the chaos stop. Olivia had just melted down again after she noticed I'd moved something off her floor and placed it on her bed. Out broke another world war. Just this morning Eric laid out the three main rules here at Wilkinson Manor and wrote them on the kitchen blackboard, "Listen First Time, Don't Talk Back, Show Respect." And he then outlined what our agreed upon consequences were if the girls broke the rules. First-time out for as many minutes as your age, second- lose computer time, third- lose dessert. Tonite Liv suffered all three consequences and then I had to start the cycle again with a second time out for another 7 minutes. Finally she stopped ranting and was sent off to bed. With a very heavy heart. So there I sat at her bedside with an equally heavy heart.
The evening had been so lovely. Eric worked tonite and the girls and I ate dinner in bed and watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I was excited for a peaceful bedtime and had wanted to write a short, light "blog/journal entry" about what we've been up to before heading off to bed. I was going to write about the darling American Girl's Fashion Show we went to benefiting Children's Hospital. 
About the "camp out" the kids had in the family room on Saturday night. 
About the "paint with the Easter bunny event" at my client's pottery studio benefiting bereavement camps for kids. 
About the "dance party" and sleepover the girls had over the weekend. 
About a fun Saturday lunch shared with friends.
About another client's yummy chocolate dinner (coconut, white chocolate, hazlenut truffle!!)
About Audrey's initiation into cheer club--earlier tonite Olivia was making up a club and Audrey wanted to join. Liv told her it was a cheer club & that Audrey needed to know a cheer to join. Moments later Audrey made one up, One step forward, one step back, give yourself a little clap. "Am I in?" she asked.
But, the night spun out of control. again.
"I do not know why I can't listen, mom. I want to. My head tells me to and then a small voice tells me to do whatever I want. I don't know how to make it stop. I want to. I don't like making you mad and I do not like getting in trouble. I want to cry so much. I want to make it go away. I want to tell you over & over again how sorry I am that I do this all the time. I do this every day. I know it's not you. I start it and then you get mad. Then I feel bad and then you feel bad. I don't know how to fix it. What are we going to do, mama?" Her plea was pathetic. It was so sincere. So desperate. And I felt as helpless as she.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. That was what came to me--calm down and trust God. I shared this with Olivia. I told her that it will be OK. I told her that I promise to help her and that I will never break a promise that big. ever. I told her that God instructs us to be calm, sit quietly, and trust Him. To know that He is bigger than us and He put things in motion and can make things work for good. I told her that God chose us to be mother and daughter and that I commit to her that all will work out with us. She thanked me. She told me how much she loved me. And I kissed her tear stained cheeks and she fell fast asleep. And I wept. Right there in the darkened bedroom. And finally I was still.
Monday, March 10, 2008
What are we going to do, Mama?
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5 comments:
Hey Katie! Reading this reminded me of being a seven year old. I don't have girls, so no frame of reference, but I remember fighting with my mom, saying mean things, arguing. I think it was my way of forcing her to give me space so I could grow up. I also remember later, when I was a senior in HS, being just evil to her, this woman who is so high on a pedastal in my life. Then she said she understood, I needed to hate her in order for it to be ok for me to leave. Interesting. But having no girls, I googled "Normal behavior for 7yo girl. There are 7 yo girls being raped and killed in wars, drowning in lakes, masterbating, one had a baby, one wrote a racist report for school. They are attacked by dogs, kidnapped, and they run away. There is a video they call "funny" of a 400 lb 7 yo girl on youtube. All I can say is be thankful that she is expressing herself so well, listening to the "big message", and loving you even during the worst of it. Her little voice knows when she is out of control. Sounds very familiar! I do the SAME thing when I rant about these boys not pulling their weight and taking it all for granted. But even as I rant I feel bad, and sorry, and I love them. All VERY normal. Sounds to me like your little girl is just trying to figure out how to have a grown up relationship with you. And doing a darn good job of it! Love you!
bk
Stillness is an amazing virtue for an adult as well as a child.
"Our tendency is to be interested in something that is growing in the garden, not in the bare soil itself. But if you want to have a good harvest, the most important thing is to make the soil rich and cultivate it well."
- Shunryu Suzuki
No words.. only hugs dear friend
~C
Nice post mommy!
Hi my friend, Katie.
I've been thinking about this one for days. Reading it took me back to the recurring fights my mom and I used to have about the exact same thing, over and over. Flash forward to my relationship with my sweetie and there it is again: the tendency to have the same fight all the time.
What works for us when we remember to do it, is to do something different when you find yourself sliding into that familiar behavior groove. Anything different.
Successful communication in conflict happens in so many ways all over the world and none of it is ever easy.
I read a book called Emotional Intelligence and it goes into great detail about the anatomy of your brain on anger. All that fight or flight stuff happens so quickly, taking all the resources out of the frontal lobe which helps us make rational decisions. When we're in that angry zone, we physically can't be rational. No logic occurs in that conversation. it becomes about winning.
Maybe you have a really funny code word for when you two get to that place. Maybe belly button. Maybe something even sillier. Boogers? Maybe a song you both love?
Anything to bring it back to cooperation and connection will make it easier for you both.
I know that when Doug uses a certain voice, I stop listening because the voice makes me angry and I don't even hear what he says. My mom used that voice too. Maybe try a different voice? Maybe Miss Olivia can ask for a different voice and use a different voice herself.
We're all trying our best, and we all mean well, but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that God loves variety and we all need different things.
Of course, I have no children, so none of this may apply. Regardless, thank you for sharing yourself and your family. Every time I read your page it gives me courage. :-) Love love love. Lizzie
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