Self Preservation

Eric turned 40 this week. For the most part his birthday was a usual Wednesday at Wilkinson Manor--school, work, tap class, piano lessons, & dinner. We did manage to squeeze in evening fun for presents, banana splits, and a wonderful visit from our dear neighbors bearing gifts, spirits, and much love. Eric received loads of calls, emails, and text messages and truly had a banner day. I had a poster created for him depicting our family. I found a great artist in Maine who did a fabulous job. You'll see below ~ Eric decked out in Red Sox gear and a Michigan State "crown". He's complete with his requisite shorts, Converse, iPod, and Utica Club beer mug from his home state of NY--Olivia hula hooping in her Cascade Elite Gymnastics leotard while eating an ice cream cone (complete with sprinkles!)--Audrey sporting her, " I Heart the Needies" t-shirt, Mary Jane crocs, along with her usual layered attire of a skirt and leggings and holding the conch shells which Eric uses to call them in for dinner--I am adorned in a replica of my Jessie Steele brown & pink polka dot apron and Alice the dog wears a matching bow. All the while Frib sits nearby looking like the goof that he is. We also gave Eric various home made cards, tickets to the Dad's Day beerfest, assorted goodies, a photo album reflecting the first 40 years of his life and a gift certificate for a 1.5 hour togetherness massage we were slated to cash in on yesterday. The day was to be spent at the spa before we checked in to the deluxe suite at The Westin Seattle where we were hosting a party for many of our wonderful friends. We had some great fun planned and everyone was doing their part to make it a personal, memorable evening. But, alas, we succumbed to the perils of parenthood. It was a particularly rough morning for Olivia. After a long winded meltdown, late arrival to school, & phone call from the principal--Eric called the whole deal off. I was crushed. For him. For our guests. For me. And someday I assume I will be for Olivia. It is still too fresh and too upsetting to elaborate further and not necessary either. I am still processing.

Today was a new day. It was very fulfilling and a welcome respite. One of Audrey's dear classmates had a birthday party and the four of us attended. The family is lovely, welcoming, and being with them is easy. Thank you, Mara, for a great day. You outdid your self again.

Tomorrow is Mom's Day (although Eric said we're celebrating next week since he works tomorrow). We usually celebrate the Saturday before Mom's Day since it falls on a Sunday and he works on Sundays. But a long time ago we'd planned to celebrate next weekend since today was to be spent sleeping in late at the hotel and then returning home refreshed from a night out with friends. But it did not come to pass. Thank Heavens today went smoothly. After hours in the bounce house, enjoying cake, ice cream, lollipops, & friends, Audrey fell asleep in the car at 6:30 and is alseep for the night. Liv came home and built a fort in the family room. I got lost in the book, The Glass Castle, and Alice & I joined Olivia underneath the blankets. At day's end I was very content and happy to be their mama. The tireless adventurer and sleeping beauty.

The stress and disappointment of yesterday after weeks of preparation coupled with some draining client and personal relations lately have left me feeling deflated. This week in particular I found myself avoiding addressing certain issues and not wanting to return phonecalls and emails. I told my girlfriend, Carrie, that I felt like I was avoiding confrontation and tackling issues. I am not passive aggressive in the least. I try to meet confrontation head on and I sincerely attempt to take it on with tact and respect and thinking about how the other person will interpret my actions. But this week it was a struggle for me. I felt like a coward--afraid of the bullies. Carrie said she did not think I was a coward at all but that it was about self preservation. I thought that was brilliant.

Eric is fast asleep next to me (yep, laptop made it back into bed), Alice is tucked in by his side, Frib has taken to his bed in the closest, Olivia & her buddy (also named Olivia) have settled into their sleepover, and thankfully Audrey remains asleep. As for me, I am going to close up shop, count my blessings and continue to self preserve. How freeing to give myself permission to not have to always explain, apologize, or attempt to fix everything all the time.